Read Online One Indulgence by Lydia Gastrell - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Lydia Gastrell
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about the ‘almost once’?”
Henry felt nauseated. He had never told anyone. He had tried never to even think of that day so many years ago, and had managed rather well, if he did say so himself. But…but Richard had confided in him. It made absolutely no sense, and perhaps he was allowing foolish sentiment to run away with him, but the fact that Richard had shared that story with him made him feel good, trusted. He felt an overwhelming urge to return the sentiment.
And it wasn’t as if he would ever see Richard again.
“You caught that, I see.” Henry sighed. “It wasn’t really anything, barely anything at all. Really.”
“A consummate storyteller, I see.” Richard chuckled. “You have me enthralled already.”
It was easy for Henry to let that beautiful smile relax him. He forced some of the tension out of his back and let himself sink farther into his chair. Where on earth did he even begin? He supposed there wasn’t much need for detail.
“I wanted to go away to school when I was fifteen. I had always had private tutors as my father wanted, but I had few companions my own age, and I was terribly bored. I eventually convinced him, and my mother was supportive despite my already being so close to university anyway. So I went and…eh…”
“You met someone,” Richard said.
“Yes. It was all very quiet in a strange way. What I mean is, I don’t think we ever actually said anything directly. It was all looks and touches in the passageways, and…we just knew .”
Richard waited.
Henry swallowed hard. His tongue was already turning to cotton. “One day, classes let out early, and the rest of the boys went to set up an impromptu game of cricket. The numbers were off, and five or six of us were left to be spectators. He…he gave me a look that was not mistakable and went walking toward the chapel. I followed him all the way to the back of the chapel and down to the cellar stairs. He kept looking back at me every few seconds to smile.”
“Where were you going?” Richard said when Henry hesitated.
“He said he had found a storage room in the cellar that was never used and could be locked from the inside. I could tell he was very nervous because it was the first direct move either of us had made. There couldn’t be much confusion about why he wanted me to go to that room with him, but he had no way to be sure of me. It had all been just glances and…” Henry sighed. “He was taking an extraordinary risk.”
“Yes,” Richard agreed somberly.
“He was so happy when I took his hand and went with him.” Henry smiled at the memory, perhaps the only pleasant part of it. He could still see those shining green eyes and that joyous smile, both of which had drawn him from the start. Both would look so different in the end.
“What happened, Henry?” Richard’s voice softened. “You’re frowning.”
“I went with him, and it wasn’t out of pity or anything like that. I wanted to go. He made me happy, and I didn’t have to hide myself with him. He already had an oil lamp in the room, you know.” Henry chuckled ruefully. “He was a little embarrassed about that, actually, as if he had been presumptuous by preparing.”
“He trusted you,” Richard offered.
Henry’s face fell. “I know, and that made everything that happened next so much worse. He locked the door and came to me. Lord! He looked so happy . He started touching my hair and my cheeks and telling me all about how much he liked me, cared about me, for God’s sake. I cared about him too, and I thought everything was fine until he kissed me. I don’t know what happened. It was a little thing, hardly a kiss at all, but I…I overreacted.” He lifted his eyes to Richard, knowing and yet not caring that they were glistening. “In that second I believe I saw how impossible it all was. Every filthy joke I had ever heard and every word the vicar had ever said about sins of the flesh and abominations just crashed down on me. I
Henry felt nauseated. He had never told anyone. He had tried never to even think of that day so many years ago, and had managed rather well, if he did say so himself. But…but Richard had confided in him. It made absolutely no sense, and perhaps he was allowing foolish sentiment to run away with him, but the fact that Richard had shared that story with him made him feel good, trusted. He felt an overwhelming urge to return the sentiment.
And it wasn’t as if he would ever see Richard again.
“You caught that, I see.” Henry sighed. “It wasn’t really anything, barely anything at all. Really.”
“A consummate storyteller, I see.” Richard chuckled. “You have me enthralled already.”
It was easy for Henry to let that beautiful smile relax him. He forced some of the tension out of his back and let himself sink farther into his chair. Where on earth did he even begin? He supposed there wasn’t much need for detail.
“I wanted to go away to school when I was fifteen. I had always had private tutors as my father wanted, but I had few companions my own age, and I was terribly bored. I eventually convinced him, and my mother was supportive despite my already being so close to university anyway. So I went and…eh…”
“You met someone,” Richard said.
“Yes. It was all very quiet in a strange way. What I mean is, I don’t think we ever actually said anything directly. It was all looks and touches in the passageways, and…we just knew .”
Richard waited.
Henry swallowed hard. His tongue was already turning to cotton. “One day, classes let out early, and the rest of the boys went to set up an impromptu game of cricket. The numbers were off, and five or six of us were left to be spectators. He…he gave me a look that was not mistakable and went walking toward the chapel. I followed him all the way to the back of the chapel and down to the cellar stairs. He kept looking back at me every few seconds to smile.”
“Where were you going?” Richard said when Henry hesitated.
“He said he had found a storage room in the cellar that was never used and could be locked from the inside. I could tell he was very nervous because it was the first direct move either of us had made. There couldn’t be much confusion about why he wanted me to go to that room with him, but he had no way to be sure of me. It had all been just glances and…” Henry sighed. “He was taking an extraordinary risk.”
“Yes,” Richard agreed somberly.
“He was so happy when I took his hand and went with him.” Henry smiled at the memory, perhaps the only pleasant part of it. He could still see those shining green eyes and that joyous smile, both of which had drawn him from the start. Both would look so different in the end.
“What happened, Henry?” Richard’s voice softened. “You’re frowning.”
“I went with him, and it wasn’t out of pity or anything like that. I wanted to go. He made me happy, and I didn’t have to hide myself with him. He already had an oil lamp in the room, you know.” Henry chuckled ruefully. “He was a little embarrassed about that, actually, as if he had been presumptuous by preparing.”
“He trusted you,” Richard offered.
Henry’s face fell. “I know, and that made everything that happened next so much worse. He locked the door and came to me. Lord! He looked so happy . He started touching my hair and my cheeks and telling me all about how much he liked me, cared about me, for God’s sake. I cared about him too, and I thought everything was fine until he kissed me. I don’t know what happened. It was a little thing, hardly a kiss at all, but I…I overreacted.” He lifted his eyes to Richard, knowing and yet not caring that they were glistening. “In that second I believe I saw how impossible it all was. Every filthy joke I had ever heard and every word the vicar had ever said about sins of the flesh and abominations just crashed down on me. I
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