Read Online Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg - Free Book Online
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
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how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With the third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” In choosing to take it personally, we might react, “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at a great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
1. Blaming ourselves
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest, “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
2. Blaming others
When receiving a negative message, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you saying that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate-of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
3. Sensing our own feelings and needs
Finally, a fourth option in receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
4. Sensing others’ feelings and needs
We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled.
Example 2
A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.”
Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said:
“When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt.
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” In choosing to take it personally, we might react, “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at a great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
1. Blaming ourselves
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest, “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
2. Blaming others
When receiving a negative message, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you saying that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate-of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
3. Sensing our own feelings and needs
Finally, a fourth option in receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
4. Sensing others’ feelings and needs
We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled.
Example 2
A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.”
Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said:
“When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt.
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to
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