Read Online Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
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others. When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, feeling responsible for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It appears that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance to parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because . . . ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen-our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel . . . because I . . . ” For example:
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel . . . because I . . .”
“ I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
“ Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
“ I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,” she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we are wishing for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as we would prefer them to.
I was once invited to mediate in southern California between some landowners and migrant farm workers whose conflicts had grown increasingly hostile and violent. I began the meeting by asking them two questions: “What is it that you are each needing? And what would you like to request of the other in relation to these needs?” “The problem is that these people are racist!” shouted a farm worker. “The problem is that these people don’t respect law and order!” shouted a
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because . . . ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen-our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel . . . because I . . . ” For example:
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel . . . because I . . .”
“ I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
“ Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
“ I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,” she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we are wishing for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as we would prefer them to.
I was once invited to mediate in southern California between some landowners and migrant farm workers whose conflicts had grown increasingly hostile and violent. I began the meeting by asking them two questions: “What is it that you are each needing? And what would you like to request of the other in relation to these needs?” “The problem is that these people are racist!” shouted a farm worker. “The problem is that these people don’t respect law and order!” shouted a
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