Read Online Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
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landowner even more loudly. As is often the case, these groups were more skilled in analyzing the perceived wrongness of others than in clearly expressing their own needs.
In a comparable situation, I once met with a group of Israelis and Palestinians who wanted to establish the mutual trust necessary to bring peace to their homelands. I opened the session with the same questions, “What is it you are needing and what would you like to request from one another in relation to those needs?” Instead of directly stating his needs, a Palestinian mukhtar (who is like a village mayor) answered, “You people are acting like a bunch of Nazis.” A statement like that is not likely to get the cooperation of a group of Israelis!
Almost immediately, an Israeli woman jumped up and countered, “Mukhtar, that was a totally insensitive thing for you to say!” Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange, matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need. In this case, the woman could have responded to the Mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”
Over and over again, it has been my experience that, from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy
to choose one’s dreams, goals, values
to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
Celebration
to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
Integrity
authenticity
creativity
meaning
self-worth
Interdependence
acceptance
appreciation
closeness
community
consideration
contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
emotional safety
empathy
honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
love
reassurance
respect
support
trust
understanding
warmth
Spiritual Communion
beauty
harmony
inspiration
order
peace
Physical Nurturance
air
food
movement, exercise
protection from life threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
rest
sexual expression
shelter
touch
water
Play
fun
laughter
The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs
In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Women, in particular, are susceptible to criticism. For centuries, the image of the loving woman has been associated with sacrifice and the denial of her own needs to take care of others. Because women are socialized to view the care taking of others as their highest duty, they have often learned to ignore their own needs.
At one workshop, we discussed what happens to women who internalize such beliefs. These women, if they ask for what they want, will often do so in a way that both reflects and reinforces the beliefs that they have no genuine right to their needs, and that their needs are unimportant. For example, because she is fearful of asking for what she needs, a woman may fail to simply say that she’s had a busy day, is feeling tired and wants some time in the evening to herself; instead, her words come out sounding like a legal case: “You know I haven’t had a moment to myself all day, I ironed all the shirts, did the whole week’s laundry, took the dog to the vet, made dinner, packed the lunches, and called all the neighbors about the block meeting, so [imploringly] . . . so how about if you . . . ?” “No!” comes the swift response.
In a comparable situation, I once met with a group of Israelis and Palestinians who wanted to establish the mutual trust necessary to bring peace to their homelands. I opened the session with the same questions, “What is it you are needing and what would you like to request from one another in relation to those needs?” Instead of directly stating his needs, a Palestinian mukhtar (who is like a village mayor) answered, “You people are acting like a bunch of Nazis.” A statement like that is not likely to get the cooperation of a group of Israelis!
Almost immediately, an Israeli woman jumped up and countered, “Mukhtar, that was a totally insensitive thing for you to say!” Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange, matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need. In this case, the woman could have responded to the Mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”
Over and over again, it has been my experience that, from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy
to choose one’s dreams, goals, values
to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
Celebration
to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
Integrity
authenticity
creativity
meaning
self-worth
Interdependence
acceptance
appreciation
closeness
community
consideration
contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
emotional safety
empathy
honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
love
reassurance
respect
support
trust
understanding
warmth
Spiritual Communion
beauty
harmony
inspiration
order
peace
Physical Nurturance
air
food
movement, exercise
protection from life threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
rest
sexual expression
shelter
touch
water
Play
fun
laughter
The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs
In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Women, in particular, are susceptible to criticism. For centuries, the image of the loving woman has been associated with sacrifice and the denial of her own needs to take care of others. Because women are socialized to view the care taking of others as their highest duty, they have often learned to ignore their own needs.
At one workshop, we discussed what happens to women who internalize such beliefs. These women, if they ask for what they want, will often do so in a way that both reflects and reinforces the beliefs that they have no genuine right to their needs, and that their needs are unimportant. For example, because she is fearful of asking for what she needs, a woman may fail to simply say that she’s had a busy day, is feeling tired and wants some time in the evening to herself; instead, her words come out sounding like a legal case: “You know I haven’t had a moment to myself all day, I ironed all the shirts, did the whole week’s laundry, took the dog to the vet, made dinner, packed the lunches, and called all the neighbors about the block meeting, so [imploringly] . . . so how about if you . . . ?” “No!” comes the swift response.
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