Read Online My Madder Fatter Diary by Rae Earl - Free Book Online Page B

teacher gives me a 40 foot lecture. My head is burning. And nobody knows this side of me. Nobody could possibly comprehend how utterly messed I am. Why am I so buggered up?!
    I know partly because of stuff that happened.
    I know the ‘if onlys’ are a dangerous thing but if I’d just had the sense to run. Get out before . . . I didn’t fight. I can’t understand. I was frozen to the spot. It wasn’t even that serious. And I’m so numb about it. I feel nothing. I feel like slipping away. Going somewhere where no-one knows who I am or what I am. But I couldn’t cope. I know that.
    It wasn’t that bad. Other people have had it far, far worse. I was bad before that. I’ve always been weird.
    When I hit myself it hurts but it feels like a massive relief. A relief from all the anger and the guilt and being TERMINALLY PATRONISED.
    At least I’m not under a Mini Metro. Look on the bright side.
    Saturday 19.5.90
    11.12 p.m.
    I have had to listen to both Haddock and Battered Sausage go on and on ALL NIGHT about how fit Kylie Minogue is. Battered Sausage put on ‘Better The Devil You Know’ on the Vaults jukebox about 7 times. I came home early – they were a right pair of lads tonight.
    On the quiet, it’s quite inspirational for us pretty-faces-but-fat types. Not that Kylie was ever LARDY but it proves that you can change. I just need a fit man for a sex transformation.
    I think a problem with my life may be that I’m waiting for people to come along and sort things when actually they can’t be arsed!
    That’s not fair. No-one can. If they could they would have done.
    Haddock is growing bloody sideburns. Yes he still looks gorgeous.
    Sunday 20.5.90
    5.12 p.m.
    Tomorrow is the last week of school before . . . FOREVER.
    Shit!
    Monday 21.5.90
    8.12 p.m.
    WE HAVE OUR YEARBOOKS!!
    They are great and everything but I’m slightly annoyed. In the ‘What Will You Miss Least About School’ section there are loads of things about me like –
     
    Rae’s annoying moods
    Rae’s being self righteous and lecturing me
    Rae’s tantrums
    Rae’s singing
    Rae scrounging at break
    Rae’s gob
     
    I’m also in the ‘What Will You Miss Most About School’ bit tons too BUT it’s a bit harsh!
    Tuesday 22.5.90
    5.34 p.m.
    It’s probably good that it’s the last week at school because there is basically now CIVIL WAR over the yearbook. Natty Dawlish has written in the ‘What Will You Miss Least About School’ ‘the false pretentious stuck up cows who one tends to find in the U6 common room’ and then Ava Laird wrote in the ‘What’s Your Greatest Achievement’ ‘beating THEM at Rounders 91 to 85.’ Apparently the THEM is US in the common room. I thought they were both OK till I read that. I tell you what, they both live in far better nicer houses than I do so don’t call me a stuck-up cow!
    BUT THEN that all faded into insignificance because Drew Walker had written in her Greatest Achievement bit ‘fulfilling all my sexual fantasies.’ EVERYONE was talking about it. She’s quite quiet but at Olivers she did dance in a very odd way to ‘Touch Me’ by the 49ers. Bum wiggling ahoy and all over the place.
    It all made my 4 fishcakes achievement look even crapper than I thought but never mind!
    Wednesday 23.5.90
    10.38 p.m.
    YEARBOOK 1990 – What Will You Miss Most About School?
    ‘The comforting sense of security that being so efficiently controlled has given me!’
    ROSANNA – YOU ARE MY HERO! Her yearbook thing is brilliant. She’s really clever and funny AND she’s got a boyfriend. I should have asked her for tips!
    Battered Sausage came round tonight. He took me for a drink. Haddock was waiting for us. Sideburns and all. Everything wonderful and perfect. And utterly beautiful. In a rugby shirt.
    Can’t wait till June 21st. PARTY TIME!!
    Leavers’ cheese and wine evening tomorrow at school. Sometimes it’s so posh it hurts.
    Thursday 24.5.90
    10.12 p.m.
    Well that was BLOODY annoying. Listen to this