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fancied you till about 5 minutes ago.’
    But he doesn’t really. He just wants someone like we all want someone and he thinks I’m easy. I don’t mean a slag. I mean he thinks I’m desperate. I’m not though. I’m hardly a gratuitous snogger. And he’s lovely but I don’t think I really fancy him.
    Friday 11.5.90
    9.35 p.m.
    We all went down the Meadows after school today and had a right laugh! Until this old biddy came along and started saying stuff like ‘I’m an old girl – in my day you weren’t even allowed to be seen eating in the street.’ Old spinster cow – all we were doing was having a good time in a PUBLIC SPACE which we are entitled to do! A lack of sex really does turn people into horrible, miserable things. It’s a lesson to us all. MORE SEX.
    Actually she could have been having LOADS of sex for all I know. Certainly more than me! In fact I never jib on anyone’s sex parade. The only place I moan is here!
    Saturday 12.5.90
    12.25 a.m.
    Haddock was gorgeous to me tonight. He had his arm round me for a time. We can dream. I couldn’t hug him back. He’d fallen off some steps at work packing tinsel away. I’m not joking, I love Haddock. I really do. This is not the prattling of a lovelorn teenager MUM!
    Sunday 13.5.90
    11.25 p.m.
    Home is unbearable. School is unbearable. Work is unbearable. Nobody loves me. I’m deeply unattractive. I have A levels in 3 weeks. My stomach aches all day. I’m lonely. Tomorrow is Monday. I’m sure my friends actually don’t like me. Bad horrid thoughts are back as are the dreams. Voices telling me I’m terrible.
    I know. Tell the voices they are talking shit. But it’s hard. It’s hard.
    Monday 14.5.90
    9.01 p.m.
    The Inspiral Carpets have made a song called ‘This Is How It Feels’. I think they have been in my house and listened to everything that has gone on and everything that has been said. That’s all tonight. BOLLOCKS.
    Tuesday 15.5.90
    5.12 p.m.
    Dobber has come up with a brilliant idea but it also scares me senseless. She wants to go for a holiday after the exams to Cornwall with Ronni and Fraggle. I want to but Cornwall is miles away. MILES. 7 hours away. It will cost about £150 plus petrol and spending money. I will get Mum to ask Dad. In a way I want him to say ‘No’ so I don’t have to go. I can’t tell my mates about my head. It’s pathetic.
     
    8.49 p.m.
    Mum has been down the phone box. Dad has said ‘yes’. I get yeses when I want no’s and no’s when I want yeses.
    Wednesday 16.5.90
    6.32 p.m.
    UNBELIEVABLE!!
    WE ARE FRONT PAGE OF THE STAMFORD EVENING TELEGRAPH TONIGHT!!!
    It says ‘RUMPUS OVER AMOROUS SCHOOLGIRLS – They smoke, drink, kiss in public view’.
    Apparently councillors are having urgent meetings about us! An ‘outraged’ Tory says only one or two boys from Stamford School seem to be involved! THEN WHO ARE WE KISSING??!! I’M NOT KISSING ANYONE IN PUBLIC OR PRIVATE. I do have a laugh on the Meadows though – WE ALL DO. It’s not Stalin’s Russia is it??!! The best thing is Miss Byron is quoted as saying that ‘I would defy anyone in 1990 to make sure that 18 year old girls are perfectly behaved 24 hours a day.’ YES!! Finally a biddy that talks sense! We are allowed to be living loving women AND wear a school uniform.
    We are going to get ROYALLY DONE tomorrow though! I’m glad I’m at the hospital having a check-up!!
    Thursday 17.5.90
    5.23 p.m.
    We DID NOT get bollocked! Apparently the Lower 6th did – HA HA HA!!
    My operation was a complete success. As they thought, I haven’t got cancer but this is something I will be prone to for the rest of my life. I will have to be investigated every 5 years. Can’t wait to tell any future husband that one!
    Rae Earl – what a catch.
    Friday 18.5.90
    10.30 p.m.
    What a bloody crap day. Unbelievable. It’s one of those days when you know it’s going to be totally crap. First, I nearly got run over by a pissing navy blue Metro. Then my Theatre Arts