Read Online Mucked Up by Danny Katz - Free Book Online

S is sitting beside me. Wish he wasn’t, he’s really crapping me and I’m not interested in all the things coming out of his dumbarse mouth.
    ‘Well I’m trying to listen but you keep bugging me, so shoosh.’
    He doesn’t but, his mouth keeps opening and closing and sounds keep coming out. ‘Don’tya wish Valderamma was still here, Zurb? Then at least we’d have something to perv at, hey?’
    Valderamma is away for the next three weeks. She just got married to some lucky dude and now she’s gone to Fiji or some island somewhere for her honeymoon. That’s why we’re stuck with Boring Brown/Bennett/Brady.

    soooooo sayyyyyyy I have a … ball annnnnnnd I roll it alonnnnnnggg … the floor annnnnnd it hits … anotherrrrrrr … ball annnnnnnnd the first ballllllll
    ‘Wonder what the Valderamma’s doing right now, like RIGHT now,’ goes Jack S. ‘Bet she’s lying on the beach and her husband is putting suncream on her bikini bod and he’s rubbing it all over her and it’s all ooooo yeah ooooo ooooo ooooo …’
    He’s doing this ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-thing with his neck going back and forth and he looks like an idiot. ‘Shut up, willya. You shouldn’t be thinking that stuff anyway, you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re not s’posed to think about other girls if you’ve got a girlfriend.’
    ‘Oh yeah,’ he says, remembering Jarrell and stopping ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ing with his neck.
    ‘Just do your own work, okay, Jack? I’m trying to listen to the teacher,’ which is not true, I don’t want to listen to Bennett/Brady/Brown, but I’ll do anything to make Jack S shut up and leave me alone today.
    sooooooo Newtonnnnnn’s Third Law … tellllllls us the second balllllll is also reacting tooooooo … the first ballllllll with the same force of … Newtonnnnnnnn’s
    Someone does a massive loud yawn that goes: YAWWW WWWWNNNN
    Brincat probs, he’s always doing crazy crap like that. Everyone’s laughing but Boring Brady/Brown/ Bennett keeps going like he doesn’t even notice.

    then that balllllllll is pushing back onnnnnnn … the first ballllllll because for everyyyyyy action there
    I think part of his brain must be damaged, the part that makes you a normal human.
    is an equal and opposite reeeeeeeeeaction
    When you think about it, this Newton theory about equal and opposite reactions is true actually. With everything the teacher is saying, there is an equal and opposite feeling of painfulness listening to him.
    Back to making up my own physics formulas.
    This will be an important new formula and I will call it …
    Zurbo’s First Law of Snore-Physics
    If you’ve got a loser-lamer of a dad who used to be a really good muso and wrote really good songs and stuff but now lies around all day in his undies because he’s bored (b squared) and he can’t get himself a job, and if his lazy-arse quotient (LZQ) is greater than his own self-respect (Sr), and you multiply this by his mucus-snottage levels (m+s), there will be a massive increase in the Snore Volume (SNRRRRRRR squared).

    soooooooo imagine a third balllllll … is pushing back on the second ballllllll … by an equalllll
    But in all the history of great physics formulas, I don’t think there’s ever going to be a more important formula in the universe than the one I’m going to make up right now, and I think it should look something like …

    It is called …
    Zurbo’s Scientific Rule of Vommy-Wommy Love
    Let me go through it real slow because it is very complicated and smart: if there is a relationship (R) that you know of between a boy (b) and a girl (g) and they’re always like holding hands in a cutesy vommy-wommy way and like making a big show about how much they love (L) each other by giggling together and using sickening words like ‘adorable’ (A) or whatevs (W), then that means they’re trying to prove to everyone that they’re actually quite in love (Q) but the probability is they’re in non-love (nL), so as clearly demonstrated