Read Online Mr. Louie Is Screwy! by Dan Gutman - Free Book Online

1
The H Word and the L Word
    My name is A.J. and I hate school.
    â€œI hate school,” I told my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
    â€œMe too,” he said. We were walking to Ella Mentry School with our friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    â€œMe three,” said Michael. “I hate school too.”
    â€œWell, I hate school more than you guys do,” I said.
    â€œNobody hates school more than me,” said Ryan.
    â€œI hated school before you guys hated school,” said Michael.
    â€œOh, yeah?” I told him. “I hated school before you were even born.”
    Any time you want to win an argument, just tell the other person you did something before they were born. It works every time. That’s the first rule of being a kid. *
    â€œGroovy!” somebody said as we were about to cross Walnut Street. “I can dig where you dudes are coming from.”
    It was Mr. Louie, our crossing guard! He was standing at the corner of Walnut Street in front of the school. Mr. Louie always wears sandals and a tie-dyed shirt. He held up his guitar, which he uses as a stop sign.
    â€œBut it’s a drag to use the H word,” Mr. Louie told us. “Hate is a downer, man. You should say ‘love.’”
    Ugh! Mr. Louie said the L word!
    â€œEwwww!” we all yelled.
    â€œThere’s too much hate in the world,” Mr. Louie explained, “and not enough love.”
    Mr. Louie used to be a judge, but he quit because he said there were too many bad vibes (whatever they are). That’s when he became a crossing guard.
    â€œThe L word is for girls,” I said.
    â€œLove is for everyone,” Mr. Louie told us. “Do you know why I love love so much? Every morning I take a love potion. You dudes should take some, too.”
    â€œNo thanks!” we all said.
    I never heard of a love potion. Maybe Mr. Louie was yanking our chain.
    â€œSchool is cool,” he said. “You dudes should say you love school.”
    â€œI’m not saying the L word out loud,” I announced.

    â€œA.J.,” Mr. Louie told me, “if you don’t say ‘I love school,’ I’m gonna tell everybody you love…Andrea!”
    Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
    Andrea Young is this really annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. I don’t love Andrea. I don’t even like Andrea. I hate Andrea! So I sure didn’t want Mr. Louie telling everybody I love her.
    â€œOkay, okay,” I said quietly, so nobody else would hear. “I love school.”
    â€œOutta sight!” said Mr. Louie. “Gimme some skin, A.J. Feel the love!”
    â€œOooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is in love with school!”
    â€œWhen are you gonna get married to the school, A.J.?” asked Michael.
    If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them. *

2
I Hate Love
    When we got to class, our teacher, Miss Daisy, was talking with Mr. Macky, the reading specialist. Reading is boring. But Mr. Macky loves reading so much, he walks around reading soup cans. He’s weird.
    â€œDo we have reading today?” I asked him.
    â€œNo,” Mr. Macky told me, “we have an assembly.”
    An assembly is when everybody assembles in the all-purpose room. So it has the perfect name.
    After the morning announcements, we had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. It looked weird. There were peace signs, flowers, and lava lamps all over the stage.
    â€œCrisscross applesauce,” Miss Daisy told us as we sat down.
    The teachers used to tell us to sit Indian style. But they stopped because they thought Indians might get mad. Then they told us to sit like pretzels. I guess some pretzels got mad, because now theteachers just say, “Crisscross applesauce.” I hope applesauce doesn’t get mad. *
    Once everybody was seated, the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. Our principal, Mr.