thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. Dive into this next part. Wrap these chapters around certain areas of your life. You will be surprised by how much you can improve aspects of your life that you didn’t even know needed improvement.
CHAPTER 3
Take Charge
T he thoughts and preaching of Reinhold Niebuhr, a theologian born in the nineteenth century, may not be the most obvious place to start when considering how you can take control of a challenging situation, but a truism he described in a prayer still has much resonance today: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Over a century later, absolute wisdom may still be beyond the reach of humankind, but the ability to differentiate between what is in our control and what is not is very firmly within our grasp. Sometimes the difference is not obvious. For example, if you wanted a friend to read this book, you could recommend it. You could offer them a reward to read it, you could tell them why you think it is worth their while, you could even buy them a copy—all these things are in your control. But whether that person reads it or not, and likes it or not, is out of your control. This ability to distinguish and act on what is in or out of your control makes the difference between those who can banish the worry monsters and those who can’t.
Reactive Versus Proactive Mind-Set
Danny is concerned about selling his house. The market is soft. The real estate agent doesn’t seem very efficient. The last people who made an offer pulled out, and Danny won’t be able to afford the mortgage when it increases next month. He is losing sleep and it is affecting his work. Please will someone fall in love with my house and make an offer today? he says to himself.
The chances are no one will. Danny is focusing on what is out of his control: the market, the agent’s efficiency, the reaction of the last people who made an offer, the end of the discount on his mortgage. As a result, he is likely to feel powerless and use lots of mental energy without achieving very much. Danny is in “victim” mode—at best reacting to events and at worst waiting passively for them to show him his destiny, which is unlikely to be a particularly rosy one. This is not a good place to be. Danny would be better off summoning the courage, as Reinhold Niebuhr put it, to focus on changing the things he can.
Let’s take a look at Danny’s worries and the possible actions he could take to overcome them:
Danny’s Worries
What He Can Do
The soft market
• Find out if similar properties are being sold for less and what they’re selling for.
• Reduce the asking price of his house.
The real estate agent’s efficiency
• Give the agent a time limit to sell the house.
• Talk with the agent about why he is finding it difficult to sell the house and what can make a sale easier.
The cancellation of the last offer
• Ask the agent why the last people decided not to buy the house.
• Make some cosmetic improvements, such as repainting.
The mortgage increase
• Talk to the bank and explain his situation. The bank may offer a refinance option that allows him to keep the house.
• See if another bank will take on the loan at the same terms (and if there is a penalty clause for leaving his existing bank).
A skeptic might argue that there is no guarantee these proposed actions, or any others, will solve Danny’s problems. That skeptic would be absolutely right. There is no guarantee. What is 100 percent certain is that Danny can choose to focus on the left column of the list—his worries—or the right column of the list—what he can do about them.
People like Danny, who focus on their worries, have a “reactive” mind-set; they worry about all the things that might go wrong and
CHAPTER 3
Take Charge
T he thoughts and preaching of Reinhold Niebuhr, a theologian born in the nineteenth century, may not be the most obvious place to start when considering how you can take control of a challenging situation, but a truism he described in a prayer still has much resonance today: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Over a century later, absolute wisdom may still be beyond the reach of humankind, but the ability to differentiate between what is in our control and what is not is very firmly within our grasp. Sometimes the difference is not obvious. For example, if you wanted a friend to read this book, you could recommend it. You could offer them a reward to read it, you could tell them why you think it is worth their while, you could even buy them a copy—all these things are in your control. But whether that person reads it or not, and likes it or not, is out of your control. This ability to distinguish and act on what is in or out of your control makes the difference between those who can banish the worry monsters and those who can’t.
Reactive Versus Proactive Mind-Set
Danny is concerned about selling his house. The market is soft. The real estate agent doesn’t seem very efficient. The last people who made an offer pulled out, and Danny won’t be able to afford the mortgage when it increases next month. He is losing sleep and it is affecting his work. Please will someone fall in love with my house and make an offer today? he says to himself.
The chances are no one will. Danny is focusing on what is out of his control: the market, the agent’s efficiency, the reaction of the last people who made an offer, the end of the discount on his mortgage. As a result, he is likely to feel powerless and use lots of mental energy without achieving very much. Danny is in “victim” mode—at best reacting to events and at worst waiting passively for them to show him his destiny, which is unlikely to be a particularly rosy one. This is not a good place to be. Danny would be better off summoning the courage, as Reinhold Niebuhr put it, to focus on changing the things he can.
Let’s take a look at Danny’s worries and the possible actions he could take to overcome them:
Danny’s Worries
What He Can Do
The soft market
• Find out if similar properties are being sold for less and what they’re selling for.
• Reduce the asking price of his house.
The real estate agent’s efficiency
• Give the agent a time limit to sell the house.
• Talk with the agent about why he is finding it difficult to sell the house and what can make a sale easier.
The cancellation of the last offer
• Ask the agent why the last people decided not to buy the house.
• Make some cosmetic improvements, such as repainting.
The mortgage increase
• Talk to the bank and explain his situation. The bank may offer a refinance option that allows him to keep the house.
• See if another bank will take on the loan at the same terms (and if there is a penalty clause for leaving his existing bank).
A skeptic might argue that there is no guarantee these proposed actions, or any others, will solve Danny’s problems. That skeptic would be absolutely right. There is no guarantee. What is 100 percent certain is that Danny can choose to focus on the left column of the list—his worries—or the right column of the list—what he can do about them.
People like Danny, who focus on their worries, have a “reactive” mind-set; they worry about all the things that might go wrong and
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