Read Online Maybe I Will by Laurie Gray - Free Book Online

not tonight. Maybe in the morning . . . on the way to school…if Cassie isn’t there. Or maybe not. Maybe if I take a drink first, for courage.
I got up and pulled out the rum-filled water bottle. I opened the cap and tried to take a drink the way you would from a real water bottle. I felt my body jerk as I swallowed and kept my mouth shut tight to make sure the rum stayed down. When I finally breathed in, my nostrils were full of pungent, sweet fumes. I took one more swallow. I did much better on the second one.
    That’s enough. You have to pace yourself.
It wasn’t until I lay back down in my bed that the tears filled my eyes. They rolled down the sides of my cheeks toward the middle of my ears, but then skirted down around my earlobes and onto my neck before dropping onto my pillow. My nose filled completely up until I had to open my mouth to breathe. I opened my mouth reluctantly, uncertain what sound might escape.
    It was the roar of the ocean—not like when you’re standing right there as the waves crash on the beach, but like when you’re somewhere far away and put a conch shell to your ear. I could cry all night long, but my tears would never drain the ocean dry. High tide. Low tide. High tide. The tears would come and go. Ebb and flow. No matter how hard I cried, they would never really be gone.

11
    Diseases desperate grown
By desperate appliance are relieved,
Or not at all.
    â€”Hamlet
, Act IV, Scene iii, Lines 9-11
    I NEVER INTENDED to steal anything. When I walked into the grocery store the next Saturday, I just wanted to see how much a bottle of vodka would cost. I needed to know so when I worked up the courage to ask someone to buy it for me, I’d know what to expect. There was no one watching. I reached out and picked it up. I walked away from the liquor aisle in search of a less conspicuous place to inspect the bottle more closely. But then I was afraid someone would see me carrying the bottle, so I slipped it into my backpack.
    I really was going to put it back. I walked around the store for several minutes looking for an opportunity, but it was just too risky. I went to the candy aisle and selected a multi-pack of gum. I held my breath as I paid for the gum and felt a surge of adrenaline when I walked out of the store. I just kept walking, never looking back. It was way too easy. So I tried another grocery store severaldays later. Then another. I didn’t like taking the bottles without paying for them. I wanted to pay for them so it wouldn’t be stealing, but that wasn’t an option. At least not until I found someone I could trust to buy a bottle for me.
    I always bought something while I was in the store. In fact, I started buying Nyquil because it had quite a bit of alcohol in it. But it was loaded with other stuff, too, so I wasn’t sure how much I could drink without accidently overdosing on it. Vodka felt so much safer and more effective.
    I totally avoided Cassie and Aaron. Aside from Troy and Shanika, nobody at school seemed to notice anything. My parents knew something was up, though. Mom checked my temperature daily, and Dad kept asking me if I was hungry. Finally, the week before spring break they sat me down in the living room and asked me what was going on.
    â€œWe’re really worried about you, Sandy,” Mom said. “You just haven’t been yourself since you had that bout with the flu two weeks ago.”
    I felt my throat tighten as panic shot from my stomach out through my fingers and down to my toes. I shrugged my shoulders and swallowed hard. “I’m just feeling tired, that’s all.”
    â€œBut you go to bed early every night,” Dad said. “And you’re sleeping in later, too.”
    â€œAnd you still don’t seem to have your appetite back,” Mom said. “I keep thinking you might have mono, but you haven’t had a fever at all.”
    Dad looked at me earnestly. “What do you