Read Online Mascot Madness! by Andy Griffiths - Free Book Online Page B

good luck to sporting teams, and the latest mind–body research is very exciting . . .’
    â€˜Stop right there, Brainfright,’ said Mr Grunt. ‘I’ll tell you what would be exciting. It would be exciting if you would spare me this nonsense and let me get on with the business of preparing the Northwest Southeast Central students for the big day tomorrow.’
    â€˜Why, certainly,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘But nobody has all the answers—we can all use a little help.’
    â€˜What’s that supposed to mean?’ said Mr Grunt.
    â€˜Nothing,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Merely that Northwest West Academy have proven a hard team to beat in the past and your track record is, well, less than impressive . . .’
    Now, one thing to remember when you’re dealing with Mr Grunt is that you should neverrefer to his track record. And if you do have to refer to his track record, you should definitely avoid the words ‘less than impressive’. Unfortunately, Mr Brainfright didn’t know this . . . but he was about to find out.

32
Grunt vs Brainfright

    â€˜Right, that does it!’ said Mr Grunt, curling his large hands into even larger fists and raising them up in front of his face. ‘I’m not going to stand here and have some crazy banana-brained egghead trample all over my reputation and tell me how to do my job. Put up or shut up, Brainfright!’
    Jenny raised her hands to her mouth in horror. ‘No!’ she gasped.
    Newton dived under his desk.
    â€˜I think you’ll find that fighting in class is against the school rules,’ said David, holding up his handbook.
    Mr Grunt snatched the book from David and threw it out the window. ‘I’ll fight WHO I like, WHEN I like, WHERE I like!’ he shouted.
    â€˜Now, really!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I don’t want to fight you, Mr Grunt.’
    â€˜Why not?’ said Mr Grunt, bouncing around onhis toes, jabbing at Mr Brainfright’s banana head. ‘Are you yellow?’
    â€˜Of course I’m yellow,’ said Mr Brainfright, ‘and proud of it! I’m a banana! You wouldn’t hit a piece of fruit, would you?’
    â€˜You’re not a piece of fruit,’ said Mr Grunt. ‘You’re a fruitcake! That’s what you are!’ And Mr Grunt reached out and pulled Mr Brainfright’s head off.
    Of course, when I say that he pulled Mr Brainfright’s head off, I don’t mean that he pulled Mr Brainfright’s
actual
head off—I mean that he pulled Mr Brainfright’s banana-suit head off.
    Things happened fast after that.
    Mr Brainfright grabbed for the head.
    Mr Grunt held it up high in the air, out of Mr Brainfright’s reach.
    Mr Brainfright jumped, and as he landed he accidentally bumped into Mr Grunt and knocked him sideways.
    Mr Grunt dropped the banana head, but while he tried to regain his balance he stepped on it, slipped, and went skidding across the classroom . . . right out the window!
    â€˜Oh dear,’ said Mr Brainfright, picking up his banana head and putting it back on. ‘I don’t think he’s going to be very happy about that.’

33
Grunt vs Spade

    Mr Brainfright was right.
    Mr Grunt was not happy.
    We knew this because we could hear him shouting from the garden bed below.
    We all rushed to the window.
    Mr Grunt was lying on his back, shaking his fist up at Mr Brainfright.
    â€˜You’ll be sorry, Brainfright!’ he yelled. ‘Undoing all my good work with your crazy schemes! I’ll get you for this!’
    But Mr Grunt wasn’t the only one who was unhappy. Zooming across the yard towards him was Mr Spade. And this time he was on his ride-on mower. He was steering with one hand and waving his pitchfork with the other.
    â€˜Get out of my garden bed, Grunt!’ he shouted over the noise of the mower’s engine. ‘Get out of my garden bed or