fucking orphanage if you don’t answer my god damned messages!'
'WHERE ARE YOU?'
'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE THE DATE! IF YOU'RE HURT SOMEWHERE AND I CAN'T FIND YOU, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!'
Stuart waves his hands, shouting at me, "SHE'S IN THE SHOWER. MELLOW YOUR SHIT. MICHELLE IS GETTING HER NOW."
I growl, "IS SHE WITH HER NOW?"
He nods, "YES! Now chill out. Stop yelling at me. In two years we haven’t slipped up once. Dang dude, it's too early for this shit."
I see my messages start to deliver just as she phones. I feel like I'm going to explode, "YOU EVER TURN THAT DAMN PHONE OFF AGAIN AND I WILL COME AND GET YOU. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
I hear the silence and the panic, and then the tears. She can't breathe and I feel like shit. She doesn’t know why I worry. She doesn’t know that I lost her once and it cost me everything.
In her world, she is fine. This is fine. She hasn’t ever been missing before in her world. I take a breath and speak softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was wrong to shout like that. You scared me. I have to know where you are."
She doesn't talk. She whimpers slightly.
I whisper almost, "I can hear you breathing. I know you’re upset. Close your eyes. Just like Doctor Bradley says. Close them and find the peace and gratitude."
"You're an asshole," she whispers. A laugh bursts from me. It's huge progress for us both.
"Don't turn it off again, okay?" I mutter.
"Whatever."
I sigh, "Come on. Work with me here. It's all for your benefit."
"Whatever."
I think she's angry. I have yet to see that. Emotions beyond fear, from her are amazing feats. "You mad?" I ask, trying not to sound too amused.
"Yup."
"Good." I hang up and smile.
Then I remember the texts and quickly send her a message, 'Ignore the bad messages, the early in the morning ones. Got a bit desperate.'
I look at Stuart and wince, "Sorry."
He shakes his head, "I know."
And he does. He's the only one.
He looks exhausted. I nod, "Go back to bed. I'll take the next watch."
He shakes his head, "No. We gotta go work out."
I sigh, "Alright."
I want to say no, but I know she has classes all day and Michelle will be with her. I need to get work done and work out. Stuart and I learned early on, people like us have a need to work out. It's a dark need that can't be filled by anything other than full-on exertion. We did CrossFit for a while but boxing is the best.
I never noticed on the drive over to the gym he was quiet, but I detect it in the ring. He's pussyfooting around and barely taking shots. I pull back, watching his face for a second.
"What?"
He shakes his head, "What?"
My eyebrow cocks instantly, "Really? I've known you for fifteen years—that’s the best lie you've got?"
He snorts, "She's going to a club tonight, man."
I turn for the ropes-car-dorms-hostage situation but he grabs me.
"No, she needs this."
I swing at him but he jumps back, laughing, "This is the journey. Me and you have both been down this road, bro."
Flashes of me and Stuart in bars screwing chicks in bathrooms fills my mind. My eyes widen. I shove him and jump the ropes. He tackles me into the wall. I shove him off but he jerseys me and drags me down the hallway bent over.
He tosses me into the change room, making me stumble over a bench. His face is red when he points his glove, "Stop this shit."
I shake my head, "I can't let her go to a bar. She can't. She'll freak and panic, and have an attack in front of everyone, and that will set her back further. She cares so much about how she seems to them all."
He nods, "I know." His dark eyes cloud over, "Who knows about the lonely better than me?"
I try to catch my breath but I can't. My chest is so tight and heavy. I feel like pulling my skin apart to free the white noise and the buzzing inside of me.
I slump onto a bench with my head in my gloves. He sits next to me.
"I know, Eli. Her journey doesn’t have to be ours. She can
'WHERE ARE YOU?'
'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE THE DATE! IF YOU'RE HURT SOMEWHERE AND I CAN'T FIND YOU, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!'
Stuart waves his hands, shouting at me, "SHE'S IN THE SHOWER. MELLOW YOUR SHIT. MICHELLE IS GETTING HER NOW."
I growl, "IS SHE WITH HER NOW?"
He nods, "YES! Now chill out. Stop yelling at me. In two years we haven’t slipped up once. Dang dude, it's too early for this shit."
I see my messages start to deliver just as she phones. I feel like I'm going to explode, "YOU EVER TURN THAT DAMN PHONE OFF AGAIN AND I WILL COME AND GET YOU. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
I hear the silence and the panic, and then the tears. She can't breathe and I feel like shit. She doesn’t know why I worry. She doesn’t know that I lost her once and it cost me everything.
In her world, she is fine. This is fine. She hasn’t ever been missing before in her world. I take a breath and speak softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was wrong to shout like that. You scared me. I have to know where you are."
She doesn't talk. She whimpers slightly.
I whisper almost, "I can hear you breathing. I know you’re upset. Close your eyes. Just like Doctor Bradley says. Close them and find the peace and gratitude."
"You're an asshole," she whispers. A laugh bursts from me. It's huge progress for us both.
"Don't turn it off again, okay?" I mutter.
"Whatever."
I sigh, "Come on. Work with me here. It's all for your benefit."
"Whatever."
I think she's angry. I have yet to see that. Emotions beyond fear, from her are amazing feats. "You mad?" I ask, trying not to sound too amused.
"Yup."
"Good." I hang up and smile.
Then I remember the texts and quickly send her a message, 'Ignore the bad messages, the early in the morning ones. Got a bit desperate.'
I look at Stuart and wince, "Sorry."
He shakes his head, "I know."
And he does. He's the only one.
He looks exhausted. I nod, "Go back to bed. I'll take the next watch."
He shakes his head, "No. We gotta go work out."
I sigh, "Alright."
I want to say no, but I know she has classes all day and Michelle will be with her. I need to get work done and work out. Stuart and I learned early on, people like us have a need to work out. It's a dark need that can't be filled by anything other than full-on exertion. We did CrossFit for a while but boxing is the best.
I never noticed on the drive over to the gym he was quiet, but I detect it in the ring. He's pussyfooting around and barely taking shots. I pull back, watching his face for a second.
"What?"
He shakes his head, "What?"
My eyebrow cocks instantly, "Really? I've known you for fifteen years—that’s the best lie you've got?"
He snorts, "She's going to a club tonight, man."
I turn for the ropes-car-dorms-hostage situation but he grabs me.
"No, she needs this."
I swing at him but he jumps back, laughing, "This is the journey. Me and you have both been down this road, bro."
Flashes of me and Stuart in bars screwing chicks in bathrooms fills my mind. My eyes widen. I shove him and jump the ropes. He tackles me into the wall. I shove him off but he jerseys me and drags me down the hallway bent over.
He tosses me into the change room, making me stumble over a bench. His face is red when he points his glove, "Stop this shit."
I shake my head, "I can't let her go to a bar. She can't. She'll freak and panic, and have an attack in front of everyone, and that will set her back further. She cares so much about how she seems to them all."
He nods, "I know." His dark eyes cloud over, "Who knows about the lonely better than me?"
I try to catch my breath but I can't. My chest is so tight and heavy. I feel like pulling my skin apart to free the white noise and the buzzing inside of me.
I slump onto a bench with my head in my gloves. He sits next to me.
"I know, Eli. Her journey doesn’t have to be ours. She can
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