first time in a long time that our eyes have met. She swallows and somewhere inside of me the bad thoughts I was having die off.
"Want to dance?" What the fuck am I doing?
"No, thank you." She shakes her head, looking scared but there is something else in those eyes. She stares me down, "Do I know you?"
I look around the bar, trying not to panic, "I don’t think so."
She watches me and then it's as if a light bulb comes on. I can see the recognition, "Are you him? Are you my guardian?"
She is smart. Too smart.
I want to laugh and tell her who I am; she's too smart for me. Instead, I close it off, "Him who? What?" I roll my eyes, "I just wanted to dance." I turn and leave quickly, leaving the bar. My hands are sweating. My stupidity and desire are all consuming. It doesn’t even make sense. I suit the girl with the luscious lips and the want to be punished. I suit the hard life I have; my girl is a delicate flower. She doesn’t deserve what I am, the bad thing they made me into. The thing I made myself become, to forget the things they convinced me weren’t true.
I cross the road, walking past the truck, and head into the city. My lack of self-control with her is brutal.
I don’t even know how to get it back. She is running me without even knowing me. I dial Jane and cringe when she answers.
"How is your evening?" Her patronizing tone makes me want to murder her.
I sigh, "Great. She's going to be fine. That Sebastian you hired, he's perfect. They've hit it off and now she's at a bar having fun and being reckless."
"You can tell me I was right, I won't mind."
I scoff, "Well, lets not get carried away. I don’t think you need me though. You don’t need me to play the part. She is honestly, fine. A little fear here and there, but beyond that, she's good." I don’t say that she doesn’t need me because I hate that. I need her so much. I hate that more. I need to be free of her.
"Eli, you know you're going to be fine even if she never knows who you are. You made it out of that hole too."
I nod, "Yeah, but Em didn’t." I end the call and pray the brunette calls me.
She doesn’t though, it's Stuart who phones next.
"I have her. She freaked. We're driving." He hangs up quickly before she hears him.
My stomach sinks, and yet, my heart feels something resembling my twisted joy. She needs me.
I get to the dorms and sit outside her door.
She is crushed but I'm not. I still see her tear-stained face staring at me, needing me the way I need her. She makes me brave, she always did. I couldn’t carry her and Em so I had to choose. She just doesn’t know I chose her; I always did.
The floor of the dorm is cool, compared to the muggy heat of the early fall. Boston is one of those places where the switch hits and suddenly it's freezing. The switch hasn’t hit yet though. My dress pants are itchy against me.
I could stare into space for hours, I have so many times. I could get lost in the nothingness I surround myself with. But she stops it. My back pressed against the wall of the room she is in, makes me real and grounded and purposeful.
She is the reason and doesn’t know it, doesn’t know me.
My phone vibrates, 'Michelle is coming!'
I get up and leave the dorm quickly. Stuart is sitting at the curb waiting. His eyes are dark, they get that way sometimes. I think my girl makes him sicker.
"She was bad," he says as he opens the back door. I walk past him to the passenger seat and nod.
He sighs and closes the back door, "You annoy me. You hire me to drive you and her around, and yet, you don’t act like I'm your driver."
I give him a look, "I want details."
He smirks but it's the dead-eyes smirk I hate, "I need White Castle so lets get some food and talk."
"Fine."
"She was having a beer with Michelle and then that guy Dr. Bradley hired was there. I think she called his ass and told him what was going on, for real. Anyway, she flipped out, too much pressure, exposure, or whatever. She went dark, made
"Want to dance?" What the fuck am I doing?
"No, thank you." She shakes her head, looking scared but there is something else in those eyes. She stares me down, "Do I know you?"
I look around the bar, trying not to panic, "I don’t think so."
She watches me and then it's as if a light bulb comes on. I can see the recognition, "Are you him? Are you my guardian?"
She is smart. Too smart.
I want to laugh and tell her who I am; she's too smart for me. Instead, I close it off, "Him who? What?" I roll my eyes, "I just wanted to dance." I turn and leave quickly, leaving the bar. My hands are sweating. My stupidity and desire are all consuming. It doesn’t even make sense. I suit the girl with the luscious lips and the want to be punished. I suit the hard life I have; my girl is a delicate flower. She doesn’t deserve what I am, the bad thing they made me into. The thing I made myself become, to forget the things they convinced me weren’t true.
I cross the road, walking past the truck, and head into the city. My lack of self-control with her is brutal.
I don’t even know how to get it back. She is running me without even knowing me. I dial Jane and cringe when she answers.
"How is your evening?" Her patronizing tone makes me want to murder her.
I sigh, "Great. She's going to be fine. That Sebastian you hired, he's perfect. They've hit it off and now she's at a bar having fun and being reckless."
"You can tell me I was right, I won't mind."
I scoff, "Well, lets not get carried away. I don’t think you need me though. You don’t need me to play the part. She is honestly, fine. A little fear here and there, but beyond that, she's good." I don’t say that she doesn’t need me because I hate that. I need her so much. I hate that more. I need to be free of her.
"Eli, you know you're going to be fine even if she never knows who you are. You made it out of that hole too."
I nod, "Yeah, but Em didn’t." I end the call and pray the brunette calls me.
She doesn’t though, it's Stuart who phones next.
"I have her. She freaked. We're driving." He hangs up quickly before she hears him.
My stomach sinks, and yet, my heart feels something resembling my twisted joy. She needs me.
I get to the dorms and sit outside her door.
She is crushed but I'm not. I still see her tear-stained face staring at me, needing me the way I need her. She makes me brave, she always did. I couldn’t carry her and Em so I had to choose. She just doesn’t know I chose her; I always did.
The floor of the dorm is cool, compared to the muggy heat of the early fall. Boston is one of those places where the switch hits and suddenly it's freezing. The switch hasn’t hit yet though. My dress pants are itchy against me.
I could stare into space for hours, I have so many times. I could get lost in the nothingness I surround myself with. But she stops it. My back pressed against the wall of the room she is in, makes me real and grounded and purposeful.
She is the reason and doesn’t know it, doesn’t know me.
My phone vibrates, 'Michelle is coming!'
I get up and leave the dorm quickly. Stuart is sitting at the curb waiting. His eyes are dark, they get that way sometimes. I think my girl makes him sicker.
"She was bad," he says as he opens the back door. I walk past him to the passenger seat and nod.
He sighs and closes the back door, "You annoy me. You hire me to drive you and her around, and yet, you don’t act like I'm your driver."
I give him a look, "I want details."
He smirks but it's the dead-eyes smirk I hate, "I need White Castle so lets get some food and talk."
"Fine."
"She was having a beer with Michelle and then that guy Dr. Bradley hired was there. I think she called his ass and told him what was going on, for real. Anyway, she flipped out, too much pressure, exposure, or whatever. She went dark, made
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