something. Iâd worried this might happen; I had, after all, asked a girl to go dancing, an invitation that could be interpreted as romantic. Iâd hoped she wouldnât regard it as anything more than an overture of friendship, the kind that evolved into hanging out in her room and, inevitably, meeting her roommate.
I had already run a cost-benefit analysis of a sexual relationship with Sara. Not only would it take me off the market, but myassociation with her could diminish my standing in your eyes. Yet it also meant Iâd be around you much more than I would if we were Platonic; as I was now learning, she wasnât even letting me see her room. And it was college. These things didnât last forever.
Despite my certainty that a kiss would be reciprocated, the prospect of instigating it remained unduly terrifying; like a trust-your-new-summer-camp-buddies fall backward, it went against every instinct of self-preservation. No one was around, but it felt to me as if the whole campus, my high school, even my parents and sisters, were watching. If I didnât do it, Iâd be unmanned in front of them, the boy who, after eighteen years, had finally found a girl willing to kiss himâand he couldnât even go through with it.
I closed my eyes and, impelled more by fear than desire, made the trust fall forward. Our lips touched and soon yielded to tongues, which grappled like junior-varsity wrestlers trying to impress the coach with their hustle. I was too conscious that I was having a legitimate sexual experience to bask mindlessly in the sensory pleasures. Nonetheless, I achieved an erection that was deftly hidden by 101 Idealistic Jobs That Actually Exist .
Bizarre verb, achieved , as if to remind you of the possibility of failure and all its attendant disgrace.
Chapter 6
A nd so began a courtship. Since parties werenât Saraâs thing, we gorged on the menu of on-campus activities: film screenings, plays, world-music concerts, and guest speakers. Afterward she was raring to discuss whatever weâd seen. I tried to engage for her sake, but if I wasnât being tested on the subject matter, it was hard for me to care. During our study dates in Lamont Library, she read every word assigned to her, meticulously underlined and highlighted and marginaliaâd, sought out competing perspectives, researched auxiliary material. An academic mule, if one motivated by genuine curiosity.
All our rendezvous were in public. Whenever I suggested doing something that would get me into Saraâs room, I was frustrated by her goaltenderâs knack for deflecting me. âIâm kind of burned out on the library,â I texted one night. âIâd say we could study here but Steven has been popping out to practice magic tricks on me all day. Maybe your room?â (A lie; Steven was a reactor core of interpersonal fuel, joining a raft of clubs, picking up new friends like a lint roller,and entering into a relationship with Ivana that entailed incessant fondling and pet names. Stevie-bean spent most nights in Ivana-suck-your-bloodâs room, so I couldnât really complain, though he indulged in one instance of grating boastfulness, requesting that a picture of himself and his parents reside on my bookcase, not his. âWhy?â I asked. âItâs weird to feel like theyâre staring at me when Ivanaâs in there,â he said with put-on embarrassment. âYou know how it is.â)
âLetâs go to Starbucks!â Sara replied.
Our physical contact was restricted to PG make-out sessions by the lawsuit tree near Matthews, an awkward location, since we couldnât part immediately after kissing. Instead, we had to walk another few dozen paces to our dorm, go upstairs together, and, at the fourth floor, she would wave like a friendly neighbor before continuing her ascent to your castle in the faraway kingdom of 505, where you remained out of my
I had already run a cost-benefit analysis of a sexual relationship with Sara. Not only would it take me off the market, but myassociation with her could diminish my standing in your eyes. Yet it also meant Iâd be around you much more than I would if we were Platonic; as I was now learning, she wasnât even letting me see her room. And it was college. These things didnât last forever.
Despite my certainty that a kiss would be reciprocated, the prospect of instigating it remained unduly terrifying; like a trust-your-new-summer-camp-buddies fall backward, it went against every instinct of self-preservation. No one was around, but it felt to me as if the whole campus, my high school, even my parents and sisters, were watching. If I didnât do it, Iâd be unmanned in front of them, the boy who, after eighteen years, had finally found a girl willing to kiss himâand he couldnât even go through with it.
I closed my eyes and, impelled more by fear than desire, made the trust fall forward. Our lips touched and soon yielded to tongues, which grappled like junior-varsity wrestlers trying to impress the coach with their hustle. I was too conscious that I was having a legitimate sexual experience to bask mindlessly in the sensory pleasures. Nonetheless, I achieved an erection that was deftly hidden by 101 Idealistic Jobs That Actually Exist .
Bizarre verb, achieved , as if to remind you of the possibility of failure and all its attendant disgrace.
Chapter 6
A nd so began a courtship. Since parties werenât Saraâs thing, we gorged on the menu of on-campus activities: film screenings, plays, world-music concerts, and guest speakers. Afterward she was raring to discuss whatever weâd seen. I tried to engage for her sake, but if I wasnât being tested on the subject matter, it was hard for me to care. During our study dates in Lamont Library, she read every word assigned to her, meticulously underlined and highlighted and marginaliaâd, sought out competing perspectives, researched auxiliary material. An academic mule, if one motivated by genuine curiosity.
All our rendezvous were in public. Whenever I suggested doing something that would get me into Saraâs room, I was frustrated by her goaltenderâs knack for deflecting me. âIâm kind of burned out on the library,â I texted one night. âIâd say we could study here but Steven has been popping out to practice magic tricks on me all day. Maybe your room?â (A lie; Steven was a reactor core of interpersonal fuel, joining a raft of clubs, picking up new friends like a lint roller,and entering into a relationship with Ivana that entailed incessant fondling and pet names. Stevie-bean spent most nights in Ivana-suck-your-bloodâs room, so I couldnât really complain, though he indulged in one instance of grating boastfulness, requesting that a picture of himself and his parents reside on my bookcase, not his. âWhy?â I asked. âItâs weird to feel like theyâre staring at me when Ivanaâs in there,â he said with put-on embarrassment. âYou know how it is.â)
âLetâs go to Starbucks!â Sara replied.
Our physical contact was restricted to PG make-out sessions by the lawsuit tree near Matthews, an awkward location, since we couldnât part immediately after kissing. Instead, we had to walk another few dozen paces to our dorm, go upstairs together, and, at the fourth floor, she would wave like a friendly neighbor before continuing her ascent to your castle in the faraway kingdom of 505, where you remained out of my
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