Read Online Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You by Jim Taylor - Free Book Online
Authors: Jim Taylor
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shopping. And because you’re so busy, it’s easy for your messages to fall through the cracks. As you’re dashing around with too long a to-do list and not enough hours in the day, you might fleetingly think that you’ll get to those important messages. But, because family life rarely slows down, such messages continue to be pushed further down the priority list until they are no longer on it.
Here’s what is necessary to keep your messaging on track and consistent: You need to keep your messaging on your radar screen as much as possible. Clear the clutter off your fridge and post the important messages that you want to send your children. On your smartphone, set an alarm to remind you throughout the day. Have your spouse prompt you on a regular basis and do the same for him or her.
The nice thing about the catchphrases, routines and rituals, and activities that I’ll describe later in
Your Children Are Listening
is that you will have many tools in your “message toolbox” readily available with which to communicate your messages. These tools also allow your messages to become so woven into the fabric of your family’s lives that the messages become automatic. You don’t need to constantly remind yourself. You don’t have to think about them at all. It’s just what you do.
TOO MANY MESSAGES: “DO THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER THING.”
One thing you have to be careful of when you commit to conscious messaging is message overload, in other words, trying to convey too many messages to your children at one time. You may get soexcited about all of the great messages you can communicate to your children that you start hurling as many messages as possible at them at once. Several problems arise when you become overzealous about sending messages to your children. First, the messages, rather than being distinct, may amass into an incomprehensible jumble that loses all of its value. Second, your children may be so bombarded by messages that they won’t be able to focus adequately on any single message. The worst-case scenario is that, to avoid being overwhelmed by the messages, your children actively resist them and may actually do the exact opposite of what your messages tell them.
The best strategy is to choose and focus on a few messages that are most appropriate to your children’s current level of development and life situation. Life has a way of letting parents know what their children need to learn at any given time. For example, if your son isn’t sharing with his younger sister or your youngest daughter is hitting her older sister, you are presented with a ready-made “teachable moment” in which to send messages about generosity and kindness, respectively.
INCONSISTENT MESSAGES: “YOU CAN THIS TIME.”
Though we may not like to admit it, many of us as parents aren’t as consistent as we should be. Too often, we allow our children to do some things sometimes—usually when it’s expedient—but not other times. What’s the message that your children are getting with these inconsistent messages? At best, they don’t get the messages at all. At worst, the contradictory messages confuse them so much that they choose whichever message works best for them, even if it isn’t the one you want them to get. Or even worse, they get the meta-message that being inconsistent is okay.
You may find it helpful to ask yourself in what situations you become inconsistent in your messages. It may be when you areunder stress, such as when you are trying to get your children out the door in the morning, when one of your children is throwing a tantrum because you don’t initially give her what she wants, or when you are trying to get dinner on the table on time at the end of the day. This awareness alone can trigger an internal alarm that reminds you of the need to send messages consistently. You can also develop strategies, such as taking a deep breath or having a keyword that will help you remember the
Here’s what is necessary to keep your messaging on track and consistent: You need to keep your messaging on your radar screen as much as possible. Clear the clutter off your fridge and post the important messages that you want to send your children. On your smartphone, set an alarm to remind you throughout the day. Have your spouse prompt you on a regular basis and do the same for him or her.
The nice thing about the catchphrases, routines and rituals, and activities that I’ll describe later in
Your Children Are Listening
is that you will have many tools in your “message toolbox” readily available with which to communicate your messages. These tools also allow your messages to become so woven into the fabric of your family’s lives that the messages become automatic. You don’t need to constantly remind yourself. You don’t have to think about them at all. It’s just what you do.
TOO MANY MESSAGES: “DO THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER THING.”
One thing you have to be careful of when you commit to conscious messaging is message overload, in other words, trying to convey too many messages to your children at one time. You may get soexcited about all of the great messages you can communicate to your children that you start hurling as many messages as possible at them at once. Several problems arise when you become overzealous about sending messages to your children. First, the messages, rather than being distinct, may amass into an incomprehensible jumble that loses all of its value. Second, your children may be so bombarded by messages that they won’t be able to focus adequately on any single message. The worst-case scenario is that, to avoid being overwhelmed by the messages, your children actively resist them and may actually do the exact opposite of what your messages tell them.
The best strategy is to choose and focus on a few messages that are most appropriate to your children’s current level of development and life situation. Life has a way of letting parents know what their children need to learn at any given time. For example, if your son isn’t sharing with his younger sister or your youngest daughter is hitting her older sister, you are presented with a ready-made “teachable moment” in which to send messages about generosity and kindness, respectively.
INCONSISTENT MESSAGES: “YOU CAN THIS TIME.”
Though we may not like to admit it, many of us as parents aren’t as consistent as we should be. Too often, we allow our children to do some things sometimes—usually when it’s expedient—but not other times. What’s the message that your children are getting with these inconsistent messages? At best, they don’t get the messages at all. At worst, the contradictory messages confuse them so much that they choose whichever message works best for them, even if it isn’t the one you want them to get. Or even worse, they get the meta-message that being inconsistent is okay.
You may find it helpful to ask yourself in what situations you become inconsistent in your messages. It may be when you areunder stress, such as when you are trying to get your children out the door in the morning, when one of your children is throwing a tantrum because you don’t initially give her what she wants, or when you are trying to get dinner on the table on time at the end of the day. This awareness alone can trigger an internal alarm that reminds you of the need to send messages consistently. You can also develop strategies, such as taking a deep breath or having a keyword that will help you remember the
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