Read Online Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You by Jim Taylor - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jim Taylor
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smile and say in what seems like a calm voice, “Let’s move along, dear. We don’t want to be late for school.” But inside you are totally frustrated and stressed out. What message does your child get? “Gosh darnit, we’re going to be late! Hurry, hurry, hurry! You make me sooo mad!”
The only way to prevent this disconnect between what you say and what you feel is to acknowledge and accept your emotions. You may try to cover up your feelings because you don’t want your children to see how upset you are. But your emotions will leak through whether you like it or not. The best way to ensure that your words and emotions align is to be genuine. It’s not only okay to communicate to your children that you are frustrated or angry, it’s actually beneficial to them. They won’t be confused by your conflicting messages. They will get the message that they should get, namely, that you’re mad and frustrated with them because they aren’t being cooperative. Of course, you don’t want to yell at them. That sends an entirely different message, namely, that yelling is okay when you’re mad. It also sends a meta-message that it’s okay to lose control of your emotions. Your children will also benefit from several other meta-messages from your emotional honesty. They will learn that it’s okay to feel negative emotions and express them appropriately, and they will learn the powerful lesson that their actions affect other people.
FATIGUE: “I AM SO TIRED.”
An almost unavoidable part of parenting—unless, I suppose, you have a cadre of full-time nannies—is exhaustion, both physical and mental. Too little sleep, too few respites, and too little time dedicated to your own needs can all contribute to a state of deep fatigue that leaves you, at best, lethargic and unmotivated, and at worst, depressed or physically ill. Exhaustion leaves you without the energy to send healthy messages.
Even worse, fatigue leads to expediency—one of the most harmful words in parenting—which means acting in your self-interest rather than what is best for your children. Unfortunately, “self-interest” and “good parenting” don’t play well together. If you’re exhausted, you’re naturally drawn to doing what requires the least amount of effort and energy. If you’re being expedient, you have probably given up on sending healthy messages to your children. So, for example, you give your daughter a cookie before dinner to stop her from whining even though it will ruin her appetite, or you buy your son that toy in the supermarket checkout line because you don’t want him to make a scene. Easiest short-term solution? Definitely. Best long-term message? Definitely not.
A real test for all parents is whether they are able to send positive messages when they don’t want to, when they’re tired, stressed, or rushed. You don’t want to be a “fair-weather messenger,” meaning you only send healthy messages when it’s convenient. A fair-weather meta-message is that you only stick to what you believe in and only do the right thing when it’s easy or opportune. That’s certainly not a message you want your children to get. The survey of 1,600 parents I referred to in chapter 1 showed that about 17 percent describe themselves as “softies” and say that “I’m sometimes too tired to be firm with my child even when I know I should,” “I sometimes let too many things go,” and “I sometimes give in too quickly.” Fifty-four percent say their children wastemoney shopping, 48 percent believe they are overindulging their children, 81 percent bribe their children, and 53 percent worry that they are raising rude children.
Another meta-message you send when you are exhausted and being expedient is that your needs are more important than those of your children. And children pick up on that meta-message like bloodhounds on a scent because at a deep level they feel unvalued and neglected. Still another meta-message your
The only way to prevent this disconnect between what you say and what you feel is to acknowledge and accept your emotions. You may try to cover up your feelings because you don’t want your children to see how upset you are. But your emotions will leak through whether you like it or not. The best way to ensure that your words and emotions align is to be genuine. It’s not only okay to communicate to your children that you are frustrated or angry, it’s actually beneficial to them. They won’t be confused by your conflicting messages. They will get the message that they should get, namely, that you’re mad and frustrated with them because they aren’t being cooperative. Of course, you don’t want to yell at them. That sends an entirely different message, namely, that yelling is okay when you’re mad. It also sends a meta-message that it’s okay to lose control of your emotions. Your children will also benefit from several other meta-messages from your emotional honesty. They will learn that it’s okay to feel negative emotions and express them appropriately, and they will learn the powerful lesson that their actions affect other people.
FATIGUE: “I AM SO TIRED.”
An almost unavoidable part of parenting—unless, I suppose, you have a cadre of full-time nannies—is exhaustion, both physical and mental. Too little sleep, too few respites, and too little time dedicated to your own needs can all contribute to a state of deep fatigue that leaves you, at best, lethargic and unmotivated, and at worst, depressed or physically ill. Exhaustion leaves you without the energy to send healthy messages.
Even worse, fatigue leads to expediency—one of the most harmful words in parenting—which means acting in your self-interest rather than what is best for your children. Unfortunately, “self-interest” and “good parenting” don’t play well together. If you’re exhausted, you’re naturally drawn to doing what requires the least amount of effort and energy. If you’re being expedient, you have probably given up on sending healthy messages to your children. So, for example, you give your daughter a cookie before dinner to stop her from whining even though it will ruin her appetite, or you buy your son that toy in the supermarket checkout line because you don’t want him to make a scene. Easiest short-term solution? Definitely. Best long-term message? Definitely not.
A real test for all parents is whether they are able to send positive messages when they don’t want to, when they’re tired, stressed, or rushed. You don’t want to be a “fair-weather messenger,” meaning you only send healthy messages when it’s convenient. A fair-weather meta-message is that you only stick to what you believe in and only do the right thing when it’s easy or opportune. That’s certainly not a message you want your children to get. The survey of 1,600 parents I referred to in chapter 1 showed that about 17 percent describe themselves as “softies” and say that “I’m sometimes too tired to be firm with my child even when I know I should,” “I sometimes let too many things go,” and “I sometimes give in too quickly.” Fifty-four percent say their children wastemoney shopping, 48 percent believe they are overindulging their children, 81 percent bribe their children, and 53 percent worry that they are raising rude children.
Another meta-message you send when you are exhausted and being expedient is that your needs are more important than those of your children. And children pick up on that meta-message like bloodhounds on a scent because at a deep level they feel unvalued and neglected. Still another meta-message your
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