Read Online Lizard Tales by Ron Shirley - Free Book Online

through the mud and left on the fence to dry, and I was just gonna hang out in the truck and wait for them to come back. I could tell from the look in his eyes that Pops was hotter than a gasoline-dipped hen at a chicken roast, but I just grinned and settled in for a short nap.
    They took the four-wheeler off the trailer behind us and headed out into the bush, telling me they’d be back in about an hour. So I laid back in the seat and dozed off. I guess probably thirty minutes had passed when I heard the durndest noise. It sounded like a cow had eaten Astroturf, got constipated, and was moaning. I got out of the truck and started worrying. I didn’t know what sounds bears made, but if that was it, all the food in the back of the truck, and the fact that I was stuffed liked a Thanksgivingturkey and reeking of lobster, probably wasn’t gonna fare too well for me. So I jumped out of the truck. The only thing I had with me was my skinning knife, but I figured if this was a bear and he wanted a meal, he’d better pack his lunch and put on some boots, ’cause this was gonna be an all-day, uphill battle.
    The sound got closer. It was moving toward me. I got more nervous than a sugar-dipped pony on a hill of fire ants and settled in for the fight of my life. Just then, a head popped out of the trees … and then a body. I was squatted down at the front of the truck and that critter walked within five yards of me. But it wasn’t a bear—it was a baby moose! And it was cuter than a new puppy with his first spot.
    Now, every moose I had seen up until then had been in magazines. They all had huge horns and looked like they could roll over a dump truck with a sneeze. But this fellow was no more than 250 pounds and looked like a little calf. He stopped, looked my way, and our eyes met. That’s when I had my first epiphany. I had always heard that an epiphany was a life-changing moment when everything becomes real clear, so I knew that I had just gotten the best idea I ever had. Looking back, if I had been any dumber, you’d have to tie a flag around my neck to keep the pigeons off. But I knew I was going to catch me a moose and raise him up; then, when he got to be world-class, I’d sell him to the highest bidder.
    Since I was a football all-star and in great shape at the time, I knew that I’d have no problem overpowering this little rascal, tying up his feet, and waiting for Pops and the guide to come back so we could load him up. But two things never crossed my mind: the first being that it is highly illegal to keep a non-domesticated animal, and the second being it’s also illegal to take him across statelines. But I set out after that thing running faster than an ugly girl’s blind date. Then, just like I was playing Donkey Kong, I had that moose in a headlock. It took me about three shakes of a mutt’s tail to figure out it was really the other way around: He had
me
in a headlock, and he was slinging me around like a naked stage diver at a KISS concert.
    ’Course, I would rather have been super-glued to a chimpanzee with a blowtorch in a room full of dynamite than to let go. I figured he’d tire down in just a minute. But the whole time, he was making this horrible howling sound that was curing my earlobes, so I knew I had to get him calmed down—and fast. I could just imagine me and this moose in the Lick, being the envy of the whole neighborhood: selling moose rides, moose antlers, moose pictures.
    Then another thing crossed my mind—or rather, my path, as he was dragging me all around that little field where we were parked. That ol’ moose suddenly came to an abrupt halt. And I kept going. I must have slid farther than Pete Rose after his gambling conviction. And when I stopped, facedown in a mud puddle, I heard that horrible moan again. Only this time it was right in front of me.
    Figuring it was the baby moose again, I scrambled to get back up before he got away. That’s when I came eye-to-eye with Momma