Read Online Little Rainbows by Helena Stone - Free Book Online Page A

have enough confusing thoughts running through her head, she just had to go and return his kiss? She felt her breathing getting faster, her heartbeat increasing. She had to calm down, organize her thoughts, try to figure out what had just happened and find a way of dealing with it.
    Walking across the room, she stripped out of her clothes then put on her pajamas. She’d write about the whole sorry affair. Writing always allowed her to sort out her thoughts, make sense of the jumble of emotions running riot in her mind.
    She waited for her laptop to boot up before clicking on the folder named ‘Darren’. She’d started this file the day after he’d died. Every time she needed to work something out or get her emotions under control, she’d written a letter to her husband. In the past it had always helped her put things in perspective. She could only hope it would have the same result tonight. Of course this would be the first time she’d have to write about being aroused or admit to kissing a man, but she couldn’t think of another way to calm herself down.
     
    Darren, my love
    This will be among the hardest letters I’ve written to you since you left me on my own. I need you so much right now. I’m confused and scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no idea why I thought I could do this. Would you be very disappointed if I gave up and just went home tomorrow?
    Wait, don’t answer that. I know what you would say. You would expect me to soldier on. You’d be proud of me for having come here despite my fears and would have applauded my decision to go and watch that scene.
    Have you got any idea how hard that was? That couple? They could have been us. It was the same dynamic, the same level of love. And it was so hot, Darren. There were moments when I wished I was her. I wanted that big dildo vibrating inside me, a hand holding me down, denying me the release I needed. I craved that kiss at the height of an orgasm.
    Jason thinks I panicked because I couldn’t deal with watching the scene. I didn’t have the courage to confess to him it was envy more than panic that made me lose it. I have a hard time even admitting it to myself, or you. But it was. I was jealous. I suddenly couldn’t deal with the thought of being alone anymore. In that moment I wanted someone to hold me, kiss me, love me. And I want that someone to be you. Of course I do. But it can never be you again. So does it make me bad that I cherished those moments in Jason’s lap, that I couldn’t stop myself from returning his kiss, small as it was?
    I’d like to think you’d want me to move on. I imagine you telling me to continue living. But would you? And is now the right time? Is eighteen months long enough to mourn a loved one—too long, not long enough? And even if I kick-start my life and allow my emotions free reign again, does that also mean I should be open to the idea of submitting to someone other than you? I’m not sure I can do that. Jason isn’t you. He’s nothing like you. What if I end up comparing you two? He wouldn’t have a chance against the eighteen years we had together. And I like him. I don’t want to hurt somebody I’m fond of, somebody I want to keep as a friend. But I’m so hot. I need someone close to me again. I thought I might be able to live the rest of my life alone. I truly believed my memories and some toys would be enough. They’re not. I’m yearning for skin-to-skin. I want to submit so badly it hurts.
    If I leave tomorrow, will the need go away again? I managed to get used to being without you after spending many happy years together. Surely I’d forget Jason within a matter of days.
    And yet, I’m not sure I want to forget him. I think he wants me too. That makes it harder. What if I’m wrong? What if I give in to this urge only to discover it’s not what I want at all? Would I hurt Jason if that happened? Do I have the right to take a risk for both of us?
    There are times I wished I