Read Online Know Not Why: A Novel by Hannah Johnson - Free Book Online

my fellow humans.
    “Give me those,” he says, nodding down toward
the few flowers I haven’t put back yet. There’s a part of me that
wants to fight it, but I’m pretty sure that’s also the part of me
that’s stupid. Like, fine, it’s not like I exactly dream of being a
fake flower arranger. Let old Artie here take care of it. It is his life’s calling and all.
    So I hold the flowers out to him, and I do feel
sort of, like, lamely weird about it, like, is there ever a
scenario where one guy hands another guy flowers and it’s not a
little questionable? But maybe I should get used to this feeling,
this daily sense of emasculation, because I’m pretty sure it comes
with the territory.
    Arthur reaches over to take them. As he does,
his thumb brushes my thumb, and it’s so cold, this sudden shock of
cold. The flowers get dropped. They make a slight, swishy sound as
they hit the floor.
    “Shit,” I say, my voice sounding really loud in
my ears.
    And then he kisses me.
    It’s—
    I don’t know.
    I don’t know, I don’t know.
    It’s my brain turning off, it’s nothing. It’s a
feeling. It’s a mouth on mine, and fuck it. Fuck my whole goddamn
life, man. Just fuck it. I don’t move away like I should, but
neither does he. He puts one of his hands on my face.
    Then the bells on the front door ring. We break
apart and I open my eyes.
    And there’s Arthur looking back at me.
    We stare at each other. My mind turns back on
gradually, clunkily, the way lights go on in a warehouse, row after
row, click-buzzzzz – click-buzzzzz – click-buzzzzz.
    “Excuse me!” comes a little old lady voice from
out front. “Excuse me! I’d like to return this, if you don’t
mind.”
    “Absolutely,” Arthur says loud. He’s breathless,
but he regains his poise so fast it’s scary. Scary and awful,
infuriating, something about it makes me sick. He casts one last
look at me. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Then he turns, easy as
that, and goes to help our shiny new dissatisfied customer. Like
it’s that simple. “I’ll be right with you.”
    And so I’m left standing by myself, shaking like
I’m about to bust apart into atoms, fake flowers on the floor at my
feet where I dropped them. We dropped them.

Chapter Five

    “He’s in love with him,” the girl next to me
declares fervently that night at my Shakespeare class. “It makes
such perfect sense. It enriches the story as a whole so much.”
    I work really hard on not stabbing myself in the
brain with my pencil.
    “And how’s that?” asks Professor Herrick.
    “Well, in a way, it turns Shylock and Antonio
into equals, even though they’re pitted against each other the
whole time. If Shylock’s a Jew and Antonio’s a homosexual, that
leaves both of them on the outskirts of society, right? Shunned or
whatever.”
    “Marginalized,” Herrick suggests.
    “Marginalized. Which has this great irony –
like, Antonio’s all disparaging to Shylock, but then it’s like he’s
in the same boat. Not to mention that it really heightens the –
like, the parallel tragedy between them, where they lose the thing
they love most, because Shylock loses Jessica when she marries
Lorenzo and Antonio loses Bassanio when Bassanio marries
Portia.”
    “Interesting.”
    I’m really starting to wish I hadn’t come. There
was a minute or two where I thought about it. But staying home
would make today different, like it’s not just any other Friday,
and that, that’s something I’m not down with. Sure, weird shit
happens sometimes – weird, weird, crazy-ass shit, the kind of shit
that will melt your brain if you think about it – but you just
gotta ignore it, you know? You just gotta … keep on keepin’ on.
Like, whatever, man.
    Keep on keepin’ on.
    “Yes? Erin?” Herrick says, nodding at a girl
with her hand up in the second row.
    “It also really plays into the whole theme of
love versus money, doesn’t it? Like, if you stop to think about it,
the message seems