Read Online Inconceivable by Carolyn Savage - Free Book Online Page B

that Dr. Read was my obstetrician, they always commented, “Don’t youlove Linda?” The lights in her ultrasound room were dimmed, but she had decorated it with Christmas lights and a cheerful bulletin board tacked with pictures of babies from appreciative parents. Linda had an ease about her that made everyone smile. You couldn’t help but greet her with a big hug, even if you knew when you entered her room that you might be facing bad news. Petite, graying, and fit, Linda was quick on her toes and had a witty sense of humor. Sometimes, when I’d fire rapid questions at her during an ultrasound, she would tell me, “Cool it, kiddo.”
    I held my breath while her internal ultrasound wand searched for evidence of the baby or babies. This ultrasound was so early, we knew there would be no heartbeat, only a gestational sac and a yolk. There were both, and only one of each. She searched my tubes to make sure there were no ectopics, and then we were finished. She printed a picture, handed it to me, and admitted that she didn’t know what to say.
    I grabbed the ultrasound image of the little one, and wondered, Who are you?
    A few days later, Ryan was home sick, down with the bug that was traveling through our family. He was in the basement curled up with a blanket in front of the television. MK was getting whiny and needed a nap. I had just put her on the changing table and removed her diaper when I felt what I feared was a huge gush of blood. I instinctively crossed my legs and bent forward.
    I got MK dressed quickly and laid her down haphazardly on the family room floor. I shuffled to the bathroom for some privacy, praying that I was wrong, but my worst fears were confirmed. I was bleeding.
    “Damn. We hadn’t even seen a heartbeat!”
    I screamed for Ryan. He didn’t respond at first, so I screamed louder. I think I scared him. He came flying up from the basement, and I asked for the phone so I could call Sean. Through the bathroom door, I directed him to pick MK up and put her up inher crib for her nap. I called Sean, whispering so that Ryan didn’t hear me.
    “I’m bleeding.”
    “What?”
    “I’m bleeding. You need to come home.”
    “I’ll be right there.”
    Afraid to move, I called Dr. Read from the bathroom. She told me to come in for another ultrasound.
    I cleaned myself up as best I could and hobbled up the stairs to change my clothes. Once dressed, I lay down on the bed and waited. I feared I was losing someone else’s baby. How would we explain this to the other family? They would blame me for this. Oh…and my fertility clinic. They’d be ecstatic. The loss of this baby would be a bullet dodged for them. My stomach flipped over with a wave of nausea. I didn’t want to vomit, because I thought that would make me bleed more, so I willed it away.
    I heard Sean come in through the door to the garage. The force of raising my voice might hurt the baby , I thought, so I lay quietly until he found me.
    “Did you call the doctor?”
    “Yes. We need to leave for an ultrasound. You need to wake MK, get her packed up and in her car seat. When that is all done, I’ll get in the car.”
    I could hear MK crying as Sean woke her and bundled her up to go out in the cold. I felt bad for disrupting her nap. I felt bad for all of the disruptions. Mary Kate was growing and developing so rapidly as she neared her first birthday. I already recognized how distracted I’d become by this pregnancy, and I knew that she, Drew, and Ryan weren’t getting the attention they deserved. But this time was crucial for MK. How was I going to concentrate on her milestones—first steps, first words—without thinking about how I wasn’t going to get to see this baby pass those same milestones? I was so torn. Here was my precious daughter, the baby Sean and I hadstruggled for so long to have, and I was barely attending to some of the most important passages in her young life.
    I carefully walked to the car and sat very still