Read Online Inconceivable by Carolyn Savage - Free Book Online

the most heinous diaper in the history of mankind. I heardhis footsteps approaching, and I wanted to disappear. He rounded the corner as I looked up. “Sean, Carolyn?”
    “Hi, Dr. Anderson. Nice to meet you!” was all I could say as I tried to remove MK’s blowout from her hair. “I’m so sorry. We seem to have had a diaper emergency.” I could feel my cheeks burning.
    “Oh, man. Been there, done that. I have five kids. No worries.” He smiled, got me a garbage bag, and showed me where the bathroom was.
    Kevin was a tall man with broad shoulders, and his size could have been somewhat intimidating if it hadn’t been for the sweetness of his demeanor. He had a full head of brown hair that blended seamlessly with his full beard and mustache. A serene and open spirituality was reflected in his bright blue eyes, which seemed to shine with a deep inner compassion for all living things. I could sense this even if I couldn’t focus on the specifics of the conversation he was having with Sean. I confess I don’t remember much of that appointment.
    While Sean brought Kevin up to speed, I became transfixed by a poster he had on the wall facing me in the office. It was an M. C. Escher drawing of fish and birds, with the dark shapes of the fish at the bottom level gradually becoming lighter and thinner as the same silhouette transformed into the outline of birds in flight at the top layers. That was us right now. Sean and I were the fish in the dark at the bottom. This man was as gentle as I remembered him being when I heard him talk, and his voice was so soothing. I hoped he would be able to help us shed our scales and fly away from this darkness.
    We left feeling relieved. We had someone to help us. Sometimes I look back on that moment when he rounded the corner and laid eyes on us for the first time, while I was up to my elbows in…well…shit, and think that it was fitting. We would have a lot more of that to dig out of by the time this mess was over.
    By Friday night Mary Kate was so dehydrated that the doctorsadmitted her to the hospital. (Our cup runneth over.) In the hospital, she lay in a crib as Sean and I looked in. For a period of time our focus was solely on her, and that, oddly enough, gave us a slight reprieve from our grief.
    Late that night, after Mary Kate went to sleep, Sean and I sat back in the hospital chairs and looked at each other. How could one week have been filled with so much? We held hands. Then we agreed that Sean would go home to tend to the boys while I stayed at the hospital. As Sean hugged me good-bye before starting home, he asked the one simple question both of us were thinking: “What is next?”

C HAPTER 5
    Heartbeat
    CAROLYN
    M ARY K ATE HAD BEEN just under three pounds when she was born, and she has always been tiny for her age. She’s a good sleeper, though, and slept through the night from the time she was only a few months old. Most moms would have been thrilled by that and would have left her undisturbed. Yet I always gave her a bottle before I went to bed because I believed she needed the extra calories. This was even more important after she lost so much weight during her illness.
    As I sat in the rocking chair with her in my arms that first Saturday night after we found out I was pregnant, I held her tightly. MK, our miracle baby, getting stronger and bigger every day. I thought about how much I loved her.
    Those snuggles and cuddles were the moments that I cherished, the reward for pregnancy and childbirth. I knew I would never get a moment like this with the baby I was carrying. It was then that I realized tears were streaming steadily down my face, darkening the front of my robe. In the days since the news, I’d had plenty of practice crying quietly in my bed or with my eyes shielded by sunglasses as I drove about town on errands. I didn’t want to disturb the worldwith my tears or to invite any questions. I couldn’t ask anyone but Sean for comfort, and he too was