Read Online I blame the scapegoats by John O'Farrell - Free Book Online
Authors: John O'Farrell
Tags: Satire, Non-Fiction
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letters across
the screen? Maybe the best judicial cock-ups could appear on their own video
clips TV show called You've Been Framed.
Like all tools in the fight against crime,
modern technology can be used for good or ill. There's always a civil liberties
issue, but no point would be served by holding the police back and saying that
they were only allowed to use blue phone boxes and whistles. The use of modern
technology really took off with the spread of CCTV cameras, which, though they
helped reduce crime, also had a down side as we were forced to endure endless
newspaper articles about the realization of Orwell's nightmarish vision. I used
to be against CCTV, but earlier this year my wife's handbag was stolen in a
coffee shop and there was the culprit caught red-handed on camera. Then he
tried to buy petrol with her credit card and there he was again, number plate
and all. Fantastic! Obviously nothing was ever done to follow any of this up,
trace his car or bring any charges, but you can't expect everything.
So we should welcome any technology that
assists the police in their vital work and it is clearly much easier to alter a
defendant's statement on a computer than it is on a handwritten sheet of A4.
And we should not be deterred from proceeding to the next stage by the expense
of buying our policemen new laptops, pagers, palmtops and camcorders. As it
happens, the fight against crime will not cost as much as you might expect.
Apparently there's a bloke down the pub who can get all this stuff for them
half price, no questions asked.
Goal
not dole
10
November 2001
Over
the past few weeks, Britain's footballers have been voting on whether they
should take industrial action. Fabien Barthez was handed his ballot paper and
then dropped it. Andy Cole went to pop his voting slip into the ballot box, but
at the last minute lost his footing and missed completely. Paul Gascoigne
walked across to the polling booth but pulled a calf muscle and was led away in
tears. But for those players who did manage to put a cross into the box (which
was a first for Leicester's midfield this season), a huge majority voted in
favour and now we can expect to see the first ever industrial action in the
history of league football.
Strikers' support groups are already
springing up around the country, shaking buckets outside the factory gates to try
to collect the £20,000 a week that the average Premiership player needs to make
sure he has a DVD player in every car. Food convoys are ferrying lager and
kebabs to impoverished strikers. Shop stewards wearing badges saying 'Goal Not
Dole' are asking other sports workers to come out in sympathy. The England
cricket team are expected to be out in no time.
Under
Britain's draconian industrial law, it would be illegal for England's
Premiership players actually to refuse to turn out onto the football pitch, although
a small picket would be permitted on the edge of the penalty area. So Michael
Owen will rush up towards the goal-mouth with the ball at his feet only to be
met by five footballers in duffel coats and flat caps standing around a
brazier.
'This is an official strike by the PFA and
we're asking you not to cross this picket line.'
'Look, I dunno anything about no strike. I've
just been told to deliver this football into that net over there.'
'Listen, lad, I've got striking players on
this picket line who don't know where their next mansion in Essex is coming
from . . .'
'But if I don't make sure this ball gets over
that goal-line, my boss says I won't get my ten grand bonus this week . . .'
It's heart-breaking stuff. Of course, if they
argue for too long, the referee then moves the picket line back ten yards. At
this point tempers become frayed and the police step in to calm things down. An
officer puts a gentle hand on Ginola's shoulder and he falls to the floor in
agony, rolling about clutching his injury.
Highlights of all this would have appeared on
the Sky
the screen? Maybe the best judicial cock-ups could appear on their own video
clips TV show called You've Been Framed.
Like all tools in the fight against crime,
modern technology can be used for good or ill. There's always a civil liberties
issue, but no point would be served by holding the police back and saying that
they were only allowed to use blue phone boxes and whistles. The use of modern
technology really took off with the spread of CCTV cameras, which, though they
helped reduce crime, also had a down side as we were forced to endure endless
newspaper articles about the realization of Orwell's nightmarish vision. I used
to be against CCTV, but earlier this year my wife's handbag was stolen in a
coffee shop and there was the culprit caught red-handed on camera. Then he
tried to buy petrol with her credit card and there he was again, number plate
and all. Fantastic! Obviously nothing was ever done to follow any of this up,
trace his car or bring any charges, but you can't expect everything.
So we should welcome any technology that
assists the police in their vital work and it is clearly much easier to alter a
defendant's statement on a computer than it is on a handwritten sheet of A4.
And we should not be deterred from proceeding to the next stage by the expense
of buying our policemen new laptops, pagers, palmtops and camcorders. As it
happens, the fight against crime will not cost as much as you might expect.
Apparently there's a bloke down the pub who can get all this stuff for them
half price, no questions asked.
Goal
not dole
10
November 2001
Over
the past few weeks, Britain's footballers have been voting on whether they
should take industrial action. Fabien Barthez was handed his ballot paper and
then dropped it. Andy Cole went to pop his voting slip into the ballot box, but
at the last minute lost his footing and missed completely. Paul Gascoigne
walked across to the polling booth but pulled a calf muscle and was led away in
tears. But for those players who did manage to put a cross into the box (which
was a first for Leicester's midfield this season), a huge majority voted in
favour and now we can expect to see the first ever industrial action in the
history of league football.
Strikers' support groups are already
springing up around the country, shaking buckets outside the factory gates to try
to collect the £20,000 a week that the average Premiership player needs to make
sure he has a DVD player in every car. Food convoys are ferrying lager and
kebabs to impoverished strikers. Shop stewards wearing badges saying 'Goal Not
Dole' are asking other sports workers to come out in sympathy. The England
cricket team are expected to be out in no time.
Under
Britain's draconian industrial law, it would be illegal for England's
Premiership players actually to refuse to turn out onto the football pitch, although
a small picket would be permitted on the edge of the penalty area. So Michael
Owen will rush up towards the goal-mouth with the ball at his feet only to be
met by five footballers in duffel coats and flat caps standing around a
brazier.
'This is an official strike by the PFA and
we're asking you not to cross this picket line.'
'Look, I dunno anything about no strike. I've
just been told to deliver this football into that net over there.'
'Listen, lad, I've got striking players on
this picket line who don't know where their next mansion in Essex is coming
from . . .'
'But if I don't make sure this ball gets over
that goal-line, my boss says I won't get my ten grand bonus this week . . .'
It's heart-breaking stuff. Of course, if they
argue for too long, the referee then moves the picket line back ten yards. At
this point tempers become frayed and the police step in to calm things down. An
officer puts a gentle hand on Ginola's shoulder and he falls to the floor in
agony, rolling about clutching his injury.
Highlights of all this would have appeared on
the Sky
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