Read Online I blame the scapegoats by John O'Farrell - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: John O'Farrell
Tags: Satire, Non-Fiction
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Sports Strike Action Channel except that it's the televising of
football that has caused this dispute. The PFA want a modest 5 per cent of the
money that comes from transmitting the beautiful game to fund its various
welfare schemes and to assist ex-players who've fallen on hard times. 'We want
to benefit from the enormous popularity of televised football,' they say, as
ITV moves its Premiership programme to a later slot due to lack of viewers. Obviously
the Premiership chairmen believe there are more important things to do with all
that money, like spending £10 million
on a midfielder and then selling him for half the price the following season.
But the players' union is right to ask for this money and the players are right
to vote for a strike. Footballers are always being criticized for being poor
role models, but here they are setting a great example: the greatest ever
turn-out in a strike ballot, and the greatest majority prepared to take strike
action. They are prepared to risk confrontation with their own clubs in order
to help players less fortunate than themselves. At last England might have some
decent left-wingers.
The
next stage looks set to be fought out in the courts, which could take several
years while the judge is having the offside law repeatedly explained to him.
With all their millions, the Premier League will have an unfair advantage in
the law courts, even if the public gallery is packed out with fans singing
'Who's the bastard in the wig?' This is one dispute where there is already a
much clearer mechanism for finding a winner. The PFA should challenge all the
club chairmen to a game of footy. What a match that would be. Mohamed Al Fayed
as captain of the Chairmen's XI would lose the toss and claim this was the
result of a conspiracy by MI5 and the Duke of Edinburgh. Elton John would spend
£50,000 on his outfit, thereby seriously undercutting the Manchester United
club shop. Instead of half-time oranges, Delia Smith from the board of Norwich
FC would serve up Roasted Summer Vegetables, and Ken Bates would be made to sit
on the subs bench (tickets start at £75). Finally, Mohamed Al Fayed would score
and in the celebration whip off his shirt, revealing his naked torso right in front
of the TV cameras. And at a stroke the dispute would be completely irrelevant.
Nobody would watch televised football ever again.
Hey,
Mr Taliban Man
17
November 2001
The
hills are alive with the sound of music! Like Baron von Trapp, the Taliban had
banned all singing, but now Julie Andrews (in the guise of the Northern
Alliance backed up by B52s) has brought the sound of music back to the hills of
Afghanistan. Now in Kabul's west end they are singing the old tunes once more:
'I Have Confidence In George Bush', 'Bomb Every Mountain', and 'How Do You
Solve The Problem Of Osama?'
Even the greatest cynics and anti-war
campaigners should celebrate the fall of the most hated tyrants since the
advent of car-clamping. Suddenly thousands of Afghan children are experiencing
the joy of flying kites once more. And then two minutes later saying,
'Actually, this is quite boring. You haven't got a Playstation Two by any
chance, have you?'
The Taliban was a regime made up of former
religious students. Afghanistan is what happens when you hand the government
over to those kids at school who actually wanted to do RE. And yet back in
Britain we are increasing the role of religion in our schools. As church and
state are being separated in Kabul, we are proposing that the next generation
of Britons be educated in a more religious environment. Let us be in no doubt
of the terrible fate that lies at the end of the faith schools road. The Middle
East will come to Middle England; militant Christians will seize power in a
religious revolution that will see Britain become the first ever fundamentalist
Church of England state (or second, after the Isle of Man).
After declaring the Archbishop of Canterbury
the new head of state,
football that has caused this dispute. The PFA want a modest 5 per cent of the
money that comes from transmitting the beautiful game to fund its various
welfare schemes and to assist ex-players who've fallen on hard times. 'We want
to benefit from the enormous popularity of televised football,' they say, as
ITV moves its Premiership programme to a later slot due to lack of viewers. Obviously
the Premiership chairmen believe there are more important things to do with all
that money, like spending £10 million
on a midfielder and then selling him for half the price the following season.
But the players' union is right to ask for this money and the players are right
to vote for a strike. Footballers are always being criticized for being poor
role models, but here they are setting a great example: the greatest ever
turn-out in a strike ballot, and the greatest majority prepared to take strike
action. They are prepared to risk confrontation with their own clubs in order
to help players less fortunate than themselves. At last England might have some
decent left-wingers.
The
next stage looks set to be fought out in the courts, which could take several
years while the judge is having the offside law repeatedly explained to him.
With all their millions, the Premier League will have an unfair advantage in
the law courts, even if the public gallery is packed out with fans singing
'Who's the bastard in the wig?' This is one dispute where there is already a
much clearer mechanism for finding a winner. The PFA should challenge all the
club chairmen to a game of footy. What a match that would be. Mohamed Al Fayed
as captain of the Chairmen's XI would lose the toss and claim this was the
result of a conspiracy by MI5 and the Duke of Edinburgh. Elton John would spend
£50,000 on his outfit, thereby seriously undercutting the Manchester United
club shop. Instead of half-time oranges, Delia Smith from the board of Norwich
FC would serve up Roasted Summer Vegetables, and Ken Bates would be made to sit
on the subs bench (tickets start at £75). Finally, Mohamed Al Fayed would score
and in the celebration whip off his shirt, revealing his naked torso right in front
of the TV cameras. And at a stroke the dispute would be completely irrelevant.
Nobody would watch televised football ever again.
Hey,
Mr Taliban Man
17
November 2001
The
hills are alive with the sound of music! Like Baron von Trapp, the Taliban had
banned all singing, but now Julie Andrews (in the guise of the Northern
Alliance backed up by B52s) has brought the sound of music back to the hills of
Afghanistan. Now in Kabul's west end they are singing the old tunes once more:
'I Have Confidence In George Bush', 'Bomb Every Mountain', and 'How Do You
Solve The Problem Of Osama?'
Even the greatest cynics and anti-war
campaigners should celebrate the fall of the most hated tyrants since the
advent of car-clamping. Suddenly thousands of Afghan children are experiencing
the joy of flying kites once more. And then two minutes later saying,
'Actually, this is quite boring. You haven't got a Playstation Two by any
chance, have you?'
The Taliban was a regime made up of former
religious students. Afghanistan is what happens when you hand the government
over to those kids at school who actually wanted to do RE. And yet back in
Britain we are increasing the role of religion in our schools. As church and
state are being separated in Kabul, we are proposing that the next generation
of Britons be educated in a more religious environment. Let us be in no doubt
of the terrible fate that lies at the end of the faith schools road. The Middle
East will come to Middle England; militant Christians will seize power in a
religious revolution that will see Britain become the first ever fundamentalist
Church of England state (or second, after the Isle of Man).
After declaring the Archbishop of Canterbury
the new head of state,
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