Read Online I blame the scapegoats by John O'Farrell - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: John O'Farrell
Tags: Satire, Non-Fiction
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the religious students will impose an austere regime
based on the harsh strictures of their own extreme brand of English
Christianity. Women will be forced to observe a strict dress code and made to
wear long floral dresses with puffy sleeves. Men will wear Arran sweaters and
sandals and be too cheerful. A Christian mob clutching tambourines and chanting
'Kumbaya' will surround Tesco Metro, forcing them to close their doors on the
sabbath. The only shopping permitted on Sunday will be at the bring-and-buy
sale at the vicarage, where the local populace will be coerced into purchasing
little spider plants and home-made jam. Where Afghan kids shouted Allah is
great!', English schoolchildren will chant the central tenet of Church of England
doctrine: 'There probably is a god, though perhaps not in the literal sense,
more as a sort of spiritual concept maybe.' There will be no music except Cliff
Richard, so there will be no music. An exception will be made for the singing
of hymns; it will be compulsory for everyone to go to church and
self-consciously mumble their way through the second verse of 'To Be A
Pilgrim', and then sing out the last line loud and clear to make up for not
knowing the rest of it. It will be an offence to get out of bed in the morning
only because Thought for the Day has
just come on the radio. School nativity plays will not be permitted to edit the
original biblical text and so will go on for several days. Loose adaptations
will also be forbidden, so having the Virgin Mary clutching a plastic Baby
Annabel from Toys 'R' Us and then singing Spice Girls hits is definitely out.
Anyone breaking any of these strict Christian laws will face instant
forgiveness.
Of
course, all this is a ridiculous fantasy. Nothing so foolish could ever come to
pass. Future schoolchildren will learn about the dawn of a lasting world peace
when they study this period of history in their new faith schools. For what
could be more conducive to world peace than having all the Christian kids in one
school and all the Muslim kids in a different school down the road? Why not
stick a Jewish school in the middle and have an inter-schools jihad on sports
day? Creating new faith secondary schools now seems about as sensible as a
Taliban version of Pop Idol. 'Well,
we don't know what she looks like and we're not allowed to hear her sing, so
we'll just have to hope for the best.' You'd think the government would have
enough problems on its hands deciding what to do with all these Taliban
leaders, without setting up new faith schools back home that'll be needing
religious heads to run them all. Oh no, they wouldn't, would they? Suddenly it
all fits together . . .
Between
a rock and a hard place
24
November 2001
It
has been decided that the time is right for the Foreign Secretary to begin
talks on Gibraltar. The weather's suddenly turned cold here and it's still
quite sunny in southern Spain. All sorts of wider discussions have been put on
the agenda.
'Look, we'll give you back Gibraltar - as
long as you take Northern Ireland as well.'
'No
thanks - we were hoping you might like the Basque Country . . .'
Meanwhile
Gibraltar's chief minister was outraged that these talks were even taking place
and gave it to Jack Straw straight: 'You have talks with Spain if you want. But
I'm boycotting them.'
'All right. See you about.'
'I mean it! Either the Spanish minister goes,
or I go.' 'Okay, bye then.'
In trying to sort out this post-colonial
hangover now, the government is brazenly flying in the face of years of
established Foreign Office policy, which is to wait until a territory is the
focus of a major international crisis involving hundreds of British troops,
with billions of pounds needing to be spent to defend a place we'd forgotten
we had in the first place. Maggie Thatcher would never have dreamed of
negotiating over Gibraltar. She would have wanted to use it as a base for
getting back the American colonies.
These old bits of
based on the harsh strictures of their own extreme brand of English
Christianity. Women will be forced to observe a strict dress code and made to
wear long floral dresses with puffy sleeves. Men will wear Arran sweaters and
sandals and be too cheerful. A Christian mob clutching tambourines and chanting
'Kumbaya' will surround Tesco Metro, forcing them to close their doors on the
sabbath. The only shopping permitted on Sunday will be at the bring-and-buy
sale at the vicarage, where the local populace will be coerced into purchasing
little spider plants and home-made jam. Where Afghan kids shouted Allah is
great!', English schoolchildren will chant the central tenet of Church of England
doctrine: 'There probably is a god, though perhaps not in the literal sense,
more as a sort of spiritual concept maybe.' There will be no music except Cliff
Richard, so there will be no music. An exception will be made for the singing
of hymns; it will be compulsory for everyone to go to church and
self-consciously mumble their way through the second verse of 'To Be A
Pilgrim', and then sing out the last line loud and clear to make up for not
knowing the rest of it. It will be an offence to get out of bed in the morning
only because Thought for the Day has
just come on the radio. School nativity plays will not be permitted to edit the
original biblical text and so will go on for several days. Loose adaptations
will also be forbidden, so having the Virgin Mary clutching a plastic Baby
Annabel from Toys 'R' Us and then singing Spice Girls hits is definitely out.
Anyone breaking any of these strict Christian laws will face instant
forgiveness.
Of
course, all this is a ridiculous fantasy. Nothing so foolish could ever come to
pass. Future schoolchildren will learn about the dawn of a lasting world peace
when they study this period of history in their new faith schools. For what
could be more conducive to world peace than having all the Christian kids in one
school and all the Muslim kids in a different school down the road? Why not
stick a Jewish school in the middle and have an inter-schools jihad on sports
day? Creating new faith secondary schools now seems about as sensible as a
Taliban version of Pop Idol. 'Well,
we don't know what she looks like and we're not allowed to hear her sing, so
we'll just have to hope for the best.' You'd think the government would have
enough problems on its hands deciding what to do with all these Taliban
leaders, without setting up new faith schools back home that'll be needing
religious heads to run them all. Oh no, they wouldn't, would they? Suddenly it
all fits together . . .
Between
a rock and a hard place
24
November 2001
It
has been decided that the time is right for the Foreign Secretary to begin
talks on Gibraltar. The weather's suddenly turned cold here and it's still
quite sunny in southern Spain. All sorts of wider discussions have been put on
the agenda.
'Look, we'll give you back Gibraltar - as
long as you take Northern Ireland as well.'
'No
thanks - we were hoping you might like the Basque Country . . .'
Meanwhile
Gibraltar's chief minister was outraged that these talks were even taking place
and gave it to Jack Straw straight: 'You have talks with Spain if you want. But
I'm boycotting them.'
'All right. See you about.'
'I mean it! Either the Spanish minister goes,
or I go.' 'Okay, bye then.'
In trying to sort out this post-colonial
hangover now, the government is brazenly flying in the face of years of
established Foreign Office policy, which is to wait until a territory is the
focus of a major international crisis involving hundreds of British troops,
with billions of pounds needing to be spent to defend a place we'd forgotten
we had in the first place. Maggie Thatcher would never have dreamed of
negotiating over Gibraltar. She would have wanted to use it as a base for
getting back the American colonies.
These old bits of
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