Read Online How to Beat Up Anybody by Judah Friedlander - Free Book Online
Authors: Judah Friedlander
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He and
his weapon are moving at a rapid pace. So I must attack even faster.
Photo 3: I grab the weapon and use it against
him. Because it’s a circle, this weapon has a limitless amount of attack angles . It’s much more dangerous than
a gun, which only has one dangerous angle: the front.
Photo 4: Because the weapon is so powerful,
getting him to the ground was easy. I then step on his back and choke his neck with
the weapon at a precise angle so that neither his good arm nor his partial arm can
interfere. Choke hard so that he is unable to scream. In case this twin has more
twins, I don’t want them showing up.
Photo 5: I have now rendered him harmless. It
is safe for me to leave.
Photo 6: But first I take his weapon, so I can
study it and learn how to use it.
Photo 7: I experiment with the weapon and test
it out. The swiveling motion that it naturally puts me into is a good workout for my
upper abs. And to my surprise, it’s a lot of fun. I think they should make a
harmless version of this weapon and turn it into some kind of a toy for whole
families to enjoy. It seems like a fun simple gizmo that should’ve been
invented in the 1950s.
That was a lot of one-armed guys to beat up in 20 minutes on that one
morning five years ago. I don’t know if they were twins, but I do know that
there is no way it was the same person. I never saw any of them again. Until . .
.
I often leave my trunk open as a ploy to catch thieves. But this
one-armed guy wasn’t stealing anything. He looked exactly like the one-armed
twins I beat up five years ago, but his hair was
longer . So I knew he couldn’t be one of
their twins because he’s not identical . Twins always have the exact same hairdo . He might be dangerous, but I
gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though he had a suspicious look on his
face.
I told him that 5 years ago, I beat up four dudes that looked exactly
like him except they had shorter hair and were not as tan or as old-looking. He
said, “I know.” He told me his name was “Mark” but to
call him “Joe.” And then he told me his story. Joe told me that the 4
twins I beat up five years ago were actually not his twins and were not even related
to him. Turns out, Joe had been trying to find these guys because they all copied
his appearance and were committing crimes in the neighborhood—so that if they
got caught, they wouldn’t get blamed and Joe would. It was a classic case of identity theft . This is the exact same kind of
atrocity that happens to millions of Americans every day. Joe thanked me over and
over again for beating up all of his impostors. I asked him why he waited so long to
approach me. He said he tried, but that every time I beat up one of his impostors, I left the scene too quickly . (Because of my
foot speed training, I was just too fast for Joe to catch up to me.) And Joe didn’t even recognize me until just now, because
on that day five years ago, I was dressed
undercover .
It felt good to have the 4-fake-twins-with-one-arm-mystery finally
solved. Even though we still don’t know who they are, where they came from,
why they chose Joe, or how they had the technology to become duplicates of him. Joe
asked if I could teach him karate. I said, “I already helped you by beating
up 4 men who stole your identity, and now you want me to help you again? No problem.
I’m the World Champion and I’m always here to help.” He said
that he owns my old instructional karate videotape from 1985, “How to Beat Up
Your Dad,” and has been studying it for years. So I told him that he was
cool. And that we’d practice fighting as a team just for fun.
Learning to fight with a teammate is important because it helps you
understand how to fight better against teammates. I call this reverse training strategy .
HERE WE PRACTICE A SURPRISE 2-MAN ATTACK FROM THE TRUNK OF A CAR.
I OPERATE A COMPLEX AERIAL
his weapon are moving at a rapid pace. So I must attack even faster.
Photo 3: I grab the weapon and use it against
him. Because it’s a circle, this weapon has a limitless amount of attack angles . It’s much more dangerous than
a gun, which only has one dangerous angle: the front.
Photo 4: Because the weapon is so powerful,
getting him to the ground was easy. I then step on his back and choke his neck with
the weapon at a precise angle so that neither his good arm nor his partial arm can
interfere. Choke hard so that he is unable to scream. In case this twin has more
twins, I don’t want them showing up.
Photo 5: I have now rendered him harmless. It
is safe for me to leave.
Photo 6: But first I take his weapon, so I can
study it and learn how to use it.
Photo 7: I experiment with the weapon and test
it out. The swiveling motion that it naturally puts me into is a good workout for my
upper abs. And to my surprise, it’s a lot of fun. I think they should make a
harmless version of this weapon and turn it into some kind of a toy for whole
families to enjoy. It seems like a fun simple gizmo that should’ve been
invented in the 1950s.
That was a lot of one-armed guys to beat up in 20 minutes on that one
morning five years ago. I don’t know if they were twins, but I do know that
there is no way it was the same person. I never saw any of them again. Until . .
.
I often leave my trunk open as a ploy to catch thieves. But this
one-armed guy wasn’t stealing anything. He looked exactly like the one-armed
twins I beat up five years ago, but his hair was
longer . So I knew he couldn’t be one of
their twins because he’s not identical . Twins always have the exact same hairdo . He might be dangerous, but I
gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though he had a suspicious look on his
face.
I told him that 5 years ago, I beat up four dudes that looked exactly
like him except they had shorter hair and were not as tan or as old-looking. He
said, “I know.” He told me his name was “Mark” but to
call him “Joe.” And then he told me his story. Joe told me that the 4
twins I beat up five years ago were actually not his twins and were not even related
to him. Turns out, Joe had been trying to find these guys because they all copied
his appearance and were committing crimes in the neighborhood—so that if they
got caught, they wouldn’t get blamed and Joe would. It was a classic case of identity theft . This is the exact same kind of
atrocity that happens to millions of Americans every day. Joe thanked me over and
over again for beating up all of his impostors. I asked him why he waited so long to
approach me. He said he tried, but that every time I beat up one of his impostors, I left the scene too quickly . (Because of my
foot speed training, I was just too fast for Joe to catch up to me.) And Joe didn’t even recognize me until just now, because
on that day five years ago, I was dressed
undercover .
It felt good to have the 4-fake-twins-with-one-arm-mystery finally
solved. Even though we still don’t know who they are, where they came from,
why they chose Joe, or how they had the technology to become duplicates of him. Joe
asked if I could teach him karate. I said, “I already helped you by beating
up 4 men who stole your identity, and now you want me to help you again? No problem.
I’m the World Champion and I’m always here to help.” He said
that he owns my old instructional karate videotape from 1985, “How to Beat Up
Your Dad,” and has been studying it for years. So I told him that he was
cool. And that we’d practice fighting as a team just for fun.
Learning to fight with a teammate is important because it helps you
understand how to fight better against teammates. I call this reverse training strategy .
HERE WE PRACTICE A SURPRISE 2-MAN ATTACK FROM THE TRUNK OF A CAR.
I OPERATE A COMPLEX AERIAL
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