Read Online Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved by Tiana Laveen - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Tiana Laveen
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their families sat together, interwoven like carpet fibers, on the pews. Only this time, they weren’t altar boys anymore...but Dane was standing at the altar nevertheless. He attempted to feel nothing, so he could get through the darn day...the day that had a sun and a moon, but he felt neither familiarity nor peace with this basic fact.
He put on a strong face and even stronger performance, in typical Dane fashion. Patting backs, smiling, offering hugs and kind words... He simply went through the motions. Margie dabbed at her eyes with an ivory, balled up Kleenex as the priest spoke, her children huddled around her and the church filled to the brim with family, co-workers and friends as the celebration of the Eucharist continued around the altar table. Josh knew so many people, and they’d all gathered to pay their respects and say one final good-bye to him.
Dane knew when he’d left Josh in his home, before returning several weeks prior after the bad news, that it would be the last time. He’d talked to him the morning he died. The man could barely speak, but he offered one sentence to Dane that was now embedded in his mind:
“Remember, it is better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all, and I had that, buddy...my family, friends, everyone. Thank you.”
Dane clasped his hands together, his white robe with gold embroidery flowing over his arms. He heard bits and pieces of the priest’s words through the fog in his mind. Litanies, all-too-familiar, tiny tidbits as the Priest spoke the prayers and all-too-familiar words...
“...Jesus redeems us...the body and blood of Christ...The blessed mother Mary and her divine son...”
He crawled in his own skin, itching to say something, to protest. Such a strange sensation, out of control. He glanced momentarily out of a large stained glass window, a colorful scene of the Virgin Mary holding her newborn son, Jesus Christ. The rainbow light filtered through, distorting passing cars, while he felt imprisoned inside of his own heart. He wanted to escape, to get away from Josh’s casket so he could scream in private, but he kept it all in, bottled like wine to age perfectly, along with all of his other feelings from years gone past that had fermented.
The funeral waged on, each moment drawn out like damnation, an unwelcome eternity—and they moved outside to the cemetery.
“ O God, by whose mercy the souls of the faithful find rest; mercifully grant forgiveness of their sins to Thy servants and handmaids, and to all here and elsewhere who rest in Christ: that being freed from all sins, they may rejoice with Thee for evermore. Through the same our Lord,” Dane said as Josh’s casket was lowered into the ground.
He spoke in subdued tones, pleasant and calm, as though giving a five-day weather forecast. He’d attended and presided over thousands of funerals, and prayed for all involved. Now, he needed some alone time but instead, he was bombarded with family and old high-school friends, crying, hugging and clinging to one another, sometimes falling to pieces in his arms. He provided comfort for hours on end, for everyone but himself.
God, please...I need to get away. I need you to give me some solace, some peace. I’ve been begging you...Tell me where to go, where I can regroup and speak to you and get through this. Most of all, tell me how I can forgive you for taking him away from me—my very best friend?
~***~
The dusk had given birth to willowy purple streaks stretched across the Michigan sky while the mellow orange sunset disappeared behind slow moving cottony clouds. Dane leaned back on the park bench and sighed, his eyes closing momentarily as he gathered his thoughts. There were no ducks on the lake today, only light undulations from the wind.
He missed the ducks. They were a nice focal point when the pressure became too much. Every now and again, he’d see a swan or two, but he hadn’t seen any in groups, in weeks. They were
He put on a strong face and even stronger performance, in typical Dane fashion. Patting backs, smiling, offering hugs and kind words... He simply went through the motions. Margie dabbed at her eyes with an ivory, balled up Kleenex as the priest spoke, her children huddled around her and the church filled to the brim with family, co-workers and friends as the celebration of the Eucharist continued around the altar table. Josh knew so many people, and they’d all gathered to pay their respects and say one final good-bye to him.
Dane knew when he’d left Josh in his home, before returning several weeks prior after the bad news, that it would be the last time. He’d talked to him the morning he died. The man could barely speak, but he offered one sentence to Dane that was now embedded in his mind:
“Remember, it is better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all, and I had that, buddy...my family, friends, everyone. Thank you.”
Dane clasped his hands together, his white robe with gold embroidery flowing over his arms. He heard bits and pieces of the priest’s words through the fog in his mind. Litanies, all-too-familiar, tiny tidbits as the Priest spoke the prayers and all-too-familiar words...
“...Jesus redeems us...the body and blood of Christ...The blessed mother Mary and her divine son...”
He crawled in his own skin, itching to say something, to protest. Such a strange sensation, out of control. He glanced momentarily out of a large stained glass window, a colorful scene of the Virgin Mary holding her newborn son, Jesus Christ. The rainbow light filtered through, distorting passing cars, while he felt imprisoned inside of his own heart. He wanted to escape, to get away from Josh’s casket so he could scream in private, but he kept it all in, bottled like wine to age perfectly, along with all of his other feelings from years gone past that had fermented.
The funeral waged on, each moment drawn out like damnation, an unwelcome eternity—and they moved outside to the cemetery.
“ O God, by whose mercy the souls of the faithful find rest; mercifully grant forgiveness of their sins to Thy servants and handmaids, and to all here and elsewhere who rest in Christ: that being freed from all sins, they may rejoice with Thee for evermore. Through the same our Lord,” Dane said as Josh’s casket was lowered into the ground.
He spoke in subdued tones, pleasant and calm, as though giving a five-day weather forecast. He’d attended and presided over thousands of funerals, and prayed for all involved. Now, he needed some alone time but instead, he was bombarded with family and old high-school friends, crying, hugging and clinging to one another, sometimes falling to pieces in his arms. He provided comfort for hours on end, for everyone but himself.
God, please...I need to get away. I need you to give me some solace, some peace. I’ve been begging you...Tell me where to go, where I can regroup and speak to you and get through this. Most of all, tell me how I can forgive you for taking him away from me—my very best friend?
~***~
The dusk had given birth to willowy purple streaks stretched across the Michigan sky while the mellow orange sunset disappeared behind slow moving cottony clouds. Dane leaned back on the park bench and sighed, his eyes closing momentarily as he gathered his thoughts. There were no ducks on the lake today, only light undulations from the wind.
He missed the ducks. They were a nice focal point when the pressure became too much. Every now and again, he’d see a swan or two, but he hadn’t seen any in groups, in weeks. They were
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