Read Online Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain by Gerard Alessandrini, Michael Portantiere - Free Book Online

lost in terms of "Hey, kids,
let's put on a show" charm, we gained in terms of sharpness and focus. For example,
we had spent years honing the Merman-Martin number, but it really "hit the heights"
when Toni DiBuono and Roxie Lucas did an exact character analysis and vocal imitation of those two great stars. Among the other Broadway luminaries we spoofed were Elaine Stritch, Madonna, and B. D. Wong. We also had a devastating lampoon of Patti
LuPone in Anything Goes, singing "I Get a Kick Out of Me."

    But stars were becoming less integral to the Broadway scene as the big-budget Brit
musicals became the stars. Though people loved Cats, Les Miz, Phantom, and Miss
Saigon, all of those shows were ridiculous in a way, because they were so huge and
melodramatic. In other words, they were just perfect for spoofing. That was a major
reason why we felt we should move our show into an Off-Broadway theatre and add
more costumes; Forbidden Broadway was an established hit, and it looked like we
were going to be around for a while.

    "Fugue for Scalpers"

    [Additional verses added in later years.]

    CHORUS LINE! CHANDELIER! COMMIE QUEER!
I GOT THE SHOW RIGHT HERE!
    "Cameron Mackintosh"
    CAMERON

    "Never, Never Panned"
    MARY MARTIN

    "I Get a Kick Out of Me"
    [Two SAILORS are discovered holding up a life
preserver that reads Anything Goes. The life preserver
frames the face of PATTI LUPONE. The sailors sing.]
    SAILORS

    PATTI

    SAILORS

    PATTI

    [She sings with typical, mush-mouthed diction.]

    [She brushes the life preserver aside.]

    [Dance break to prerecorded tape, into which PATTI,
bored to death, puts minimal effort. The SAILORS, of
course, chorus-boy-smile up a storm.]

    ONE SAILOR

    OTHER SAILOR

    ALL

    [SAILORS exit as PATTI shoos them off.]

    [She returns to the mike and throws her arms up in the
Evita pose; lights dim to spot as she sings. ]

    "Into the Words"
    [Pulsating music. Lights up on a bearded man at the
side of the stage. He is STEPHEN SONDHEIM.]
    STEPHEN
    Once upon a time, there was a great songwriter called
Stephen Sondheim. He had many, many hit shows,
among which were Sunday in the Park with George.
I DOT enters. [
    FEMALE 2

    [A SWEENEY TODD enters.[
    STEPHEN
    Sweeney Todd...
    MALE 1

    STEPHEN
    ... and the fairy tale musical of 1988, Into the Woods.

    FEMALE 1

    STEPHEN
    All the characters in all the shows were very happy to
be in a prestigious Sondheim musical, except for a few
things ...
    FEMALE 1

    MALE I

    FEMALE 2

    STEPHEN
    You see, with Sondheim shows, people sometimes miss
the point. They're supposed to listen and go ... into the
words.
    FEMALE 1

    MALE 1

    FEMALE 2

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    MALE 1

    ALL

    FEMALE 2

    FEMALE 1

    ALL

    FEMALE 2

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    Now, some people say that my songs aren't catchy. But
that's not true. And to prove it, I'll conduct a Sondheim
    sing-along. Now everybody sing and just follow the
bouncing razor. Ready? One-two-twelve-eight.
    [ALL repeat the two verses, with the audience.)
    Very good. You all graduate! So now let's do it up to
tempo. One-two-twelve-eight.
    ALL
    [Repeat the two verses double time, with the audience.]
    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    STEPHEN

    ALL

    "M. Butterfly"
    [Lights up on an actor dressed in a bright yellow
kimono and geisha wig. He sings in high falsetto voice.]
    M. BUTTERFLY

    [His voice changes to a husky male baritone.)

    [Now the music changes.]

    [The music changes, and M. BUTTERFLY stabs himself I
    "Madonna's Brain"
    [Lights up on MAID with feather duster.]
    MAID

    And now, a scene from the Broadway play Speed-thePlow, which starred Madonna.
    [MAID exits; DAVID MAMET and RON SILVER enter.
MADONNA follows, script in hand.]
    MADONNA
    Okay, how's this? [Reads from script.] "I know what it's
like to be bad. I've been bad."
    DAVID
    Try again.
    RON
    Try again.
    MADONNA
    "I know what it's like to be bad. I-'ve been bad."
    [She throws the script