Read Online Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain by Gerard Alessandrini, Michael Portantiere - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Gerard Alessandrini, Michael Portantiere
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offstage, crosses to mike and
vogues with her hands.]
DAVID
I strain in vain to train Madonna's brain.
MADONNA
I strain in vain to train Madonna's brain.
DAVID
Again.
MADONNA
[Music begins.]
DAVID
MADONNA
DAVID
MADONNA
DAVID
MADONNA
ALL THREE
DAVID
ALL THREE
RON
MADONNA
PRACTICING TO BE A [sic] ACTRESS
[RON plunks out a tune on the piano.]
MADONNA
ALL
DAVID
MADONNA
RON
MADONNA
ALL THREE
[RON grabs MADONNA; they tango. RON spins her to
DAVID and exits. Suddenly, MADONNA rips her dress
off, revealing a sexy Merry Widow with tassels dangling
from the breasts. Under it, she wears fishnet stockings.
She uses the dress to play bullfighter with DAVID as the
bull, then throws the dress offstage.]
MADONNA
[Flexing.]
Justify my love!
DAVID
Justify your acting!
[Aided by DAVID, MADONNA leaps atop the piano on
her knees and throws a few bumps, then slides down
to end with a leg in the air as DAVID slides to the floor,
hands in the air. ]
BOTH
"Phantom of the Musical"
[Loud organ music. A pulsating disco beat. Lights upon
a cloaked, masked figure, his cape spread like a bat. A
chandelier lurks above. He steps forward. ]
OFFSTAGE CHORUS
PHANTOM
[He crosses right and drags out a terrified WOMAN in a
wedding dress. ]
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
[As she turns to us, we see that she is wearing bunny teeth.]
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
NO! THE PHANTOM OF THE MUSICAL IS ...
[She sneaks up behind him, goes for his mask, shrinks
back, goes again and rip! Underneath, he is Mickey
Mouse. ]
SHE
[She makes as if to flee, but hegrabs her wrist.]
HE
[He hurls her upstage, under the chandelier. ]
[He gestures to the chandelier. It falls. She screams as it
impales her.]
HE
[He laughs hysterically as the lights fade to black.]
Brad Oscar.
I remember that we were in previews for the '93 edition at Theatre Eastor "Theatre Beast," as it was affectionately known. Numbers came and
went as they were tried and refined.
For two performances, the show included a real treasure of a number: Annie and Daddy Warbucks want to take in a Broadway show, but
the ABCs are full of shows dealing with homosexuality and the AIDS
epidemic, Angels in America being the leader of the pack. Daddy must
explain to Annie why he can't take her to see these shows, and he does
so in a song sung to the tune of "NYC," called... "HIV." Then I came out
as Roy Cohn and chewed Annie out over something I can't recall.
Let's just say that this was our "Springtime for Hitler" moment. The
audience on the first night-which happened to include a group from
the New York City Gay Men's Chorus-just sat there, stunned that such
a thing would ever be sung about. And the second night wasn't much
better. So out the number went, but I still think it was rather brilliant in
its reflection of what was going on in the American theater at the time.
It was a brave move on Gerard's part.
In the same edition, I had to play Gregory Hines as Jelly Roll Morton
in a tight Afro wig. Need I tell you that number also didn't last through previews?
I remember the evening when, during our Spider Woman number, Susanne
Blakeslee somehow got cut and started to bleed all over her white Chita outfit. The
audience thought it was part of the act. And I'll always remember the sound of Carol
Burnett laughing from the audience when we performed at the Tiffany Theater in L.A.
during the summer of '94. That distinctive laugh was the highest compliment one
could receive.
One of the joys of writing Broadway parodies is that I have to see every show, but one of
the burdens of writing Broadway parodies is that I have to see every show. Mind you, I'm
rarely given comp tickets; I almost always have to pay my way in. So when I don't get my
money's worth, I'm really not a happy camper. Perhaps this gives me an outlook that's
more or less in line with that of the average theatregoer. It also helps if I
vogues with her hands.]
DAVID
I strain in vain to train Madonna's brain.
MADONNA
I strain in vain to train Madonna's brain.
DAVID
Again.
MADONNA
[Music begins.]
DAVID
MADONNA
DAVID
MADONNA
DAVID
MADONNA
ALL THREE
DAVID
ALL THREE
RON
MADONNA
PRACTICING TO BE A [sic] ACTRESS
[RON plunks out a tune on the piano.]
MADONNA
ALL
DAVID
MADONNA
RON
MADONNA
ALL THREE
[RON grabs MADONNA; they tango. RON spins her to
DAVID and exits. Suddenly, MADONNA rips her dress
off, revealing a sexy Merry Widow with tassels dangling
from the breasts. Under it, she wears fishnet stockings.
She uses the dress to play bullfighter with DAVID as the
bull, then throws the dress offstage.]
MADONNA
[Flexing.]
Justify my love!
DAVID
Justify your acting!
[Aided by DAVID, MADONNA leaps atop the piano on
her knees and throws a few bumps, then slides down
to end with a leg in the air as DAVID slides to the floor,
hands in the air. ]
BOTH
"Phantom of the Musical"
[Loud organ music. A pulsating disco beat. Lights upon
a cloaked, masked figure, his cape spread like a bat. A
chandelier lurks above. He steps forward. ]
OFFSTAGE CHORUS
PHANTOM
[He crosses right and drags out a terrified WOMAN in a
wedding dress. ]
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
[As she turns to us, we see that she is wearing bunny teeth.]
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
SHE
HE
NO! THE PHANTOM OF THE MUSICAL IS ...
[She sneaks up behind him, goes for his mask, shrinks
back, goes again and rip! Underneath, he is Mickey
Mouse. ]
SHE
[She makes as if to flee, but hegrabs her wrist.]
HE
[He hurls her upstage, under the chandelier. ]
[He gestures to the chandelier. It falls. She screams as it
impales her.]
HE
[He laughs hysterically as the lights fade to black.]
Brad Oscar.
I remember that we were in previews for the '93 edition at Theatre Eastor "Theatre Beast," as it was affectionately known. Numbers came and
went as they were tried and refined.
For two performances, the show included a real treasure of a number: Annie and Daddy Warbucks want to take in a Broadway show, but
the ABCs are full of shows dealing with homosexuality and the AIDS
epidemic, Angels in America being the leader of the pack. Daddy must
explain to Annie why he can't take her to see these shows, and he does
so in a song sung to the tune of "NYC," called... "HIV." Then I came out
as Roy Cohn and chewed Annie out over something I can't recall.
Let's just say that this was our "Springtime for Hitler" moment. The
audience on the first night-which happened to include a group from
the New York City Gay Men's Chorus-just sat there, stunned that such
a thing would ever be sung about. And the second night wasn't much
better. So out the number went, but I still think it was rather brilliant in
its reflection of what was going on in the American theater at the time.
It was a brave move on Gerard's part.
In the same edition, I had to play Gregory Hines as Jelly Roll Morton
in a tight Afro wig. Need I tell you that number also didn't last through previews?
I remember the evening when, during our Spider Woman number, Susanne
Blakeslee somehow got cut and started to bleed all over her white Chita outfit. The
audience thought it was part of the act. And I'll always remember the sound of Carol
Burnett laughing from the audience when we performed at the Tiffany Theater in L.A.
during the summer of '94. That distinctive laugh was the highest compliment one
could receive.
One of the joys of writing Broadway parodies is that I have to see every show, but one of
the burdens of writing Broadway parodies is that I have to see every show. Mind you, I'm
rarely given comp tickets; I almost always have to pay my way in. So when I don't get my
money's worth, I'm really not a happy camper. Perhaps this gives me an outlook that's
more or less in line with that of the average theatregoer. It also helps if I
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