Read Online FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldhahn - Free Book Online

through.
    Supersensitive guy that I am, I probably would have stayed quiet and given her the space to work through it. But my recent work on mapping the female mind set me up to try something else.
She doesn’t need space,
I realized.
She needs to talk
. So I paused, dish in hand, and asked if she was okay.

    She doesn’t need space,
I realized.
She needs to talk.

    She sighed. “I’m just a little bummed about CNN,” she said. “I know how networks work. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.”
    When I asked if she knew why it fell through, she shook her head. “Not really. They said everyone loved the topic, but when they got to the production meeting, some segments had to be cut. Nothing personal.”
    Since I really wanted to cheer her up, I decided the time was perfect to give Shaunti one of my best count-your-blessings pep talks. “But wow, think about what an amazing opportunity it is to even be in a position to be
considered
by CNN,” I said.
    “I know, but—”
    “And think about what a blessing it is to be on
other
radio and TV all the time, to be able to share this message and save marriages.”
    “Yeah, but it’s not the same as CNN.”
    “Oh, I don’t know. You had five million viewers on that Hollywood talk show last month.” I smiled. “That’s a lot of people.”
    To my surprise, my reasonable, well-adjusted wife suddenly got angry. “I’m trying to tell you something, and you’re acting like you don’t even care!” She stood up from the table and seemed to be fighting back tears.
    “Huh?” She’d really caught me off guard.
    My mind started whirring.
You gotta be kidding me!
I thought.
You think I don’t care? What do you think I’ve been trying to show you? That’s the last time I try to encourage you!
But, of course, I didn’t say any of that. Instead I muttered two tried-and-true gems: “Okay, fine.” Then I shut down and went to see what was on TV.
    Does this little scenario strike you as familiar? Here’s the sequence again:

    1. She seems to need a listening ear.
    2. You care, so you say “What’s up?”
    3. She reveals what’s bugging her.
    4. You care, so you try to help.
    5. She reacts with, “Obviously, you don’t care!”

    Later, Shaunti and I both apologized. And later still, we were able to identify the problem in our scenario:
Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn’t.
Of course, I
was
listening—using my ears, my brains, my stunningly good intentions. Really. Trouble is, it just wasn’t happening in the way that
felt
like listening and caring to my wife.

    Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn’t.

    Now that I’ve seen the massive response to this issue from women around the country, I believe that learning to listen in the way women need is a huge missing-in-action skill for most guys. If you’re at all like me, the issue is complicated by more bad news—you already think you listen well. Heck, you think you’re a listening machine, a real superman of sympathy! Most men do. I did.
    Chances are, though, we’re not.
    But there’s good news. Men might be broke down on this issue, but we’re also just a few steps away from listening habits
that actually work
. Which is what this chapter will show you.
    Whether it’s with your girlfriend or your wife, listening to her so she actually
feels
listened to will pay immediate dividends in a deeper, stronger, more rewarding relationship. Why? Because smart listening tells a woman louder than almost anything else that she is known, cared for, and loved. It’s probably not too far off to state that smart listening has more power in her life and heart than—get this—all the things guys do first and best. Like analyzing, rescuing, deciding, doing, helping—or fixing the problem.

    Listening to her so she actually
feels
listened to will pay immediate dividends in a stronger, more rewarding relationship.
    “She doesn’t want you to fix it.”
    We’ve all heard,