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Authors: Shaunti Feldhahn
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“She doesn’t want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen.” But even though that phrase is accurate (according to all our interviews), most guys have no idea what it means or how to do it.
I’ll explain
how
in a minute, but first, here’s what it means. Three things:
•
She doesn’t want you to fix it =
she doesn’t actually want or need your solution to the problem, at least at the beginning.
•
She just wants you to listen =
she does want and need you to understand how she’s
feeling
about the problem.
•
“It” =
an emotional problem. This listening rule does not apply to technical conundrums.
Let’s take these one at a time.
“She doesn’t want you to fix it” = she doesn’t need you to fix it.
In case you’re wondering, this doesn’t mean “She doesn’t need you to do nothing.” More on that later. Instead, the key is to understand
why
she’s sharing something. And it’s not—as we think—because she needs our help. In fact, our women usually feel quite capable of solving problems without any help from manly men like us. That’s not what they are looking for—at least at first. Look at the results from the survey.
Even if a man provided a very “reasonable” solution to the problem under discussion, just 5 percent of women said that would actually solve their problem. Add it up, guys. 95 percent of women feel that
a reasonable solution would not solve their problem.
What’s more, fully 60 percent of the women felt the offered solution—no matter how reasonable—was a negative. Some appreciated their man’s suggestion, some didn’t, but the majority felt that it detracted from the sense that he was listening and being supportive.
To see why that is, we turn to the second and most important principle.
Suppose you had a fairly serious conflict with someone important to you, and have been dealing with strong emotions about it all day. That evening, you start to tell your husband/significant other what happened and how you feel about it. After listening for a little bit, he jumps in with a reasonable suggestion for fixing the problem. How is this most likely to make you feel? [Choose One Answer]
“She just wants you to listen” = she wants you to focus on her feelings, not the problem.
She’s not sharing something so you can fix it; she’s sharing it so you can understand how she
feels
about something that is bothering her.
Here’s the thing: For most of our lives, we men have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” Instead, we need to grasp the single most important key to being a good listener: For our wife, her negative feelings about a problem
are
the real issue. In other words, the
feelings
are what she is trying most to share and have understood, even more than the problem itself.
We have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” But for her, those feelings
are
the real issue.
Her need to get her feelings heard explains something that has confused many of us:
If she doesn’t want me to fix it,
we wonder,
why does she keep talking about it?
Look at these revealing comments from women:
• “Most men feel they have to fix areas of concern for the wife and family. But when he jumps in before I am finished, he proves he isn’t interested in listening to something that is important to me. This leaves me feeling devalued.”
• “A few days ago, I was telling my husband about a long-standing relationship tension I have with someone. It was so sweet that he just listened, showed me his concern and said, ‘I don’t know if it’s going to get better, honey.’ I felt so heard.”
• “Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”
“Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”
“It” = an emotional problem, not a technical one.
The “she doesn’t
I’ll explain
how
in a minute, but first, here’s what it means. Three things:
•
She doesn’t want you to fix it =
she doesn’t actually want or need your solution to the problem, at least at the beginning.
•
She just wants you to listen =
she does want and need you to understand how she’s
feeling
about the problem.
•
“It” =
an emotional problem. This listening rule does not apply to technical conundrums.
Let’s take these one at a time.
“She doesn’t want you to fix it” = she doesn’t need you to fix it.
In case you’re wondering, this doesn’t mean “She doesn’t need you to do nothing.” More on that later. Instead, the key is to understand
why
she’s sharing something. And it’s not—as we think—because she needs our help. In fact, our women usually feel quite capable of solving problems without any help from manly men like us. That’s not what they are looking for—at least at first. Look at the results from the survey.
Even if a man provided a very “reasonable” solution to the problem under discussion, just 5 percent of women said that would actually solve their problem. Add it up, guys. 95 percent of women feel that
a reasonable solution would not solve their problem.
What’s more, fully 60 percent of the women felt the offered solution—no matter how reasonable—was a negative. Some appreciated their man’s suggestion, some didn’t, but the majority felt that it detracted from the sense that he was listening and being supportive.
To see why that is, we turn to the second and most important principle.
Suppose you had a fairly serious conflict with someone important to you, and have been dealing with strong emotions about it all day. That evening, you start to tell your husband/significant other what happened and how you feel about it. After listening for a little bit, he jumps in with a reasonable suggestion for fixing the problem. How is this most likely to make you feel? [Choose One Answer]
“She just wants you to listen” = she wants you to focus on her feelings, not the problem.
She’s not sharing something so you can fix it; she’s sharing it so you can understand how she
feels
about something that is bothering her.
Here’s the thing: For most of our lives, we men have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” Instead, we need to grasp the single most important key to being a good listener: For our wife, her negative feelings about a problem
are
the real issue. In other words, the
feelings
are what she is trying most to share and have understood, even more than the problem itself.
We have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” But for her, those feelings
are
the real issue.
Her need to get her feelings heard explains something that has confused many of us:
If she doesn’t want me to fix it,
we wonder,
why does she keep talking about it?
Look at these revealing comments from women:
• “Most men feel they have to fix areas of concern for the wife and family. But when he jumps in before I am finished, he proves he isn’t interested in listening to something that is important to me. This leaves me feeling devalued.”
• “A few days ago, I was telling my husband about a long-standing relationship tension I have with someone. It was so sweet that he just listened, showed me his concern and said, ‘I don’t know if it’s going to get better, honey.’ I felt so heard.”
• “Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”
“Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”
“It” = an emotional problem, not a technical one.
The “she doesn’t
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