Read Online FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldhahn - Free Book Online Page B

want you to fix it” mantra has confused many of us because we know some situations require a fix. So here’s how you know the difference: If it’s an area of emotional concern, apply listening skills. If it’s not, apply fixing skills.
    Apply listening skills to areas that define a woman’s relationships, well-being, and sense of self-worth. Home stresses, for example. Work. Friendships. Conflicts.
    You.
    This simply doesn’t apply to those times when your wife tells you something is starting to howl under the gear shift in her Toyota and what should we do? In such cases, you can safely put away your gender translation gear. You can even forget her feelings—as in, “Honey, how does that make you feel when the transmission does that?” Just go male and fix away to your heart’s content—as in, “I’ll take it in to the shop tomorrow.”
    For any man who wants to be a good listener, the good news is that we don’t have to shut off our “Mr. Fix-it” nature. We just have to apply those skills to the right problem. This kind of response may feel more like
not
responding at first. More like failure or weakness or not caring. But it’s genius—and even relationship klutzes can figure it out.
    Just like we did running the bases back in school.

    We just have to apply those fix-it skills to the right problem.
    How to Listen (Think Baseball)
    It’s true; when life gets confusing, I turn to baseball. The elegance of the game. The history. The lazy afternoons in the outfield bleachers. The ’84 Tigers. (Yeah, it’s been a tough couple of decades for me.)
    You know I’m right. Baseball explains almost everything.
    So okay, here’s my guide to running the listening bases. I doubt base running is how marriage counselors define good listening, but it works, it’s supported by the evidence, and it’s a plan I can remember.

    • First Base: Give her your full physical attention.
    • Second Base: Give her your full mental attention.
    • Third Base: Listen for the right thing—how she
feels
about the problem.
    • Home Plate: Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.

    Now you probably think you already know
and
do all these things. But let’s take the bases one by one, adding what most men
think
they mean.
    Rounding First
    Give her your full physical attention.
    (What most men think: “I can listen well even if I’m doing something else.”)
             
    Seems like men easily confuse listening with hearing. Our definition of listening might be something like: “She’s talking, and I’m hearing what she’s saying, therefore I’m listening.”
    Even if I’m watching
American Chopper
at the same time.
    But that’s treating a person like a signal source. And if you think about it, that’s what inattention tells the other person—“You’re making noise, and you’re one among several data inputs I’m processing at this moment.”
    To move from simply hearing to genuinely receiving what another person is saying, we have to take our attention
off
every other distraction and put it
on
her. More than likely, that means facing her, looking at her, staying in the same room as her. It may also mean running interference when other distractions threaten.
    For example, a year later, Shaunti can still remember a simple physical gesture I did when she really needed to talk and the kids kept interrupting. I asked the kids to play elsewhere for a minute, pulled her into the living room, sat down with her on the sofa, and asked her to share what was on her mind. Those two or three minutes were an incredibly good investment if they still make her feel loved a year later! And I have to confess: I have absolutely no memory of this event. Not because I do this all the time, but rather because it took so little time or effort!
    If physical listening just doesn’t seem possible, I’ve found it’s better to fess up to the challenge. Ask for a rain check. Suggest, “Could we talk about this later when