Read Online Flowing with the Go by Elena Stowell - Free Book Online
Authors: Elena Stowell
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there so that Carly wouldnât be scared. She would be there to hold her, welcome her, and tell her everything was going to be okay. And that comforts me. It comforts me, although I want to be the one to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. And that thought puts me in the strange, dark place again . . . my arms extended with longing, reaching for one more hug that I canât find.
Did we all eventually learn to communicate better? I think we learned to communicate in a way that worked for us. When we werenât communicating at first as a family, I found other people to communicate withâfriends mostly; sometimes people who attached themselves to me, then left; but no group meetings, which never appealed to me. Perhaps I spent too much time with them talking, crying, and sharing stories about Carly. It was a while before I learned that this was distancing me from my family. I think I sought out these people out because they were emotionally available and felt safe. They were hurting too, but in my mind, could never hurt with the same deep pain I wasâthe pain that comes with losing someone you have watched grow up, shared a home with, and experienced the gamut of emotions with, in the way only a parent or sibling can. My older brother said, âI canât believe it. This is what happens to other people, something you read about in the paper.â I guess I am âother peopleâ now. My younger brother couldnât be near me at Carlyâs memorial. It was just too hard for him to see me. He didnât know what to say. He himself was devastated and trying to learn to communicate. He was in survival mode. No excuses, no blame, no what-if, no if-only, no going back.
I have learned from Chuck to be more pensive and reflective. I can understand that I didâwe all didâwhat we had to do to navigate a dark and scary place. And in the end we found each other, and we found a way out.
16
Takedowns, Breakdowns
âPain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.â
â Kahlil Gibran
I look back on my journey, and I wonder if part of the reason I stuck with Jiu-Jitsu was because it allowed me to feel again. Before I started training, I did all kinds of things to numb myself from the emotional pain. Today I can tell you that numbing the pain only makes it worse when you finally feel it. Before Jiu-Jitsu, I did my share of not-so-positive things, trying to feel good again, to feel anything again, to see if there was part of me left somewhere. With Jiu-Jitsu, I found myself not only feeling again, but feeling plenty.
Much of that feeling came from the pain of takedowns class. I started going to this particular class because I didnât know anything about it (curiosity can kill a cat here), and that particular night was one I had free. How bad could it be? I hated takedowns class pretty much right from the first clinch and head drag. Okay, hate is a strong word: I had great dislike for takedowns class. But I still went. It was at this class that I broke three toes (my own), got the wind knocked out of me several times, and once was covered with so many bruises my massage therapist stopped counting and called Child Protective Services. (Just kidding!) Once a guy with a Judo background threw me down seven (7!) times in a row, each time right after I got up from the last time. Not a lot of people did the takedowns class, and I could see why.
âThe greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.â
â Nelson Mandela
I did takedowns class for about one and a half years . . . until they started a Womenâs BJJ and Self-Defense class the same night, and I had to stick up for the other ovaries in the gym. I know that I know a lot of takedownsâmore than several of the guys at the gym, but I donât execute them very well in competition. That is a different matter all together.
I can now admit
Did we all eventually learn to communicate better? I think we learned to communicate in a way that worked for us. When we werenât communicating at first as a family, I found other people to communicate withâfriends mostly; sometimes people who attached themselves to me, then left; but no group meetings, which never appealed to me. Perhaps I spent too much time with them talking, crying, and sharing stories about Carly. It was a while before I learned that this was distancing me from my family. I think I sought out these people out because they were emotionally available and felt safe. They were hurting too, but in my mind, could never hurt with the same deep pain I wasâthe pain that comes with losing someone you have watched grow up, shared a home with, and experienced the gamut of emotions with, in the way only a parent or sibling can. My older brother said, âI canât believe it. This is what happens to other people, something you read about in the paper.â I guess I am âother peopleâ now. My younger brother couldnât be near me at Carlyâs memorial. It was just too hard for him to see me. He didnât know what to say. He himself was devastated and trying to learn to communicate. He was in survival mode. No excuses, no blame, no what-if, no if-only, no going back.
I have learned from Chuck to be more pensive and reflective. I can understand that I didâwe all didâwhat we had to do to navigate a dark and scary place. And in the end we found each other, and we found a way out.
16
Takedowns, Breakdowns
âPain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.â
â Kahlil Gibran
I look back on my journey, and I wonder if part of the reason I stuck with Jiu-Jitsu was because it allowed me to feel again. Before I started training, I did all kinds of things to numb myself from the emotional pain. Today I can tell you that numbing the pain only makes it worse when you finally feel it. Before Jiu-Jitsu, I did my share of not-so-positive things, trying to feel good again, to feel anything again, to see if there was part of me left somewhere. With Jiu-Jitsu, I found myself not only feeling again, but feeling plenty.
Much of that feeling came from the pain of takedowns class. I started going to this particular class because I didnât know anything about it (curiosity can kill a cat here), and that particular night was one I had free. How bad could it be? I hated takedowns class pretty much right from the first clinch and head drag. Okay, hate is a strong word: I had great dislike for takedowns class. But I still went. It was at this class that I broke three toes (my own), got the wind knocked out of me several times, and once was covered with so many bruises my massage therapist stopped counting and called Child Protective Services. (Just kidding!) Once a guy with a Judo background threw me down seven (7!) times in a row, each time right after I got up from the last time. Not a lot of people did the takedowns class, and I could see why.
âThe greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.â
â Nelson Mandela
I did takedowns class for about one and a half years . . . until they started a Womenâs BJJ and Self-Defense class the same night, and I had to stick up for the other ovaries in the gym. I know that I know a lot of takedownsâmore than several of the guys at the gym, but I donât execute them very well in competition. That is a different matter all together.
I can now admit
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