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breathe fluidly or be calm, left me nervous, weak, and shaky. In sports, choking is fairly unpredictable, which makes it so scary. If you’ve choked once, you are never sure when you will choke again.
    My form of choking—choking on life—was rather predictable, but it was still very scary because I couldn’t control it. Would I ever be able to put myself on the line—or on the mat? When you choke, it’s embarrassing. You feel guilty, that you have let everyone down. I can see now how I let these feelings (the fear of choking on my grief) rob me of my motivation to move forward in my life.
    Grief chokes you just like I was being choked on the mat by my training partner. Over time, I have learned to apply the survival tactics from the mat to my life. You have to hang on as long as you can because in life you do not know when the timer will go off. Be present. Embrace the rush of adrenaline and control it. Think about what is happening now, not about what might happen later or what just happened. Manage your energy so you can maintain it at a constant level. Control your breathing by slowing it down. You have to relax and reduce muscle tension, allowing your ribs to expand and let the air in. Lastly, turn up the volume on positive self-talk.
    Employing all of these strategies takes practice. I have learned to be gentler with myself when I deviate from positive practice. And I have learned some defenses when the choke comes on hard. Grief is a battle. Fight to win—don’t fight not to lose.

18
Stay Connected to the Earth
    C oach has a resonant way of saying “stay connected to the Earth.” On the mat, it means to keep at least one foot planted firmly on the mat so that you always have a physical focal point from which to push off. If I do not have a foot securely on the Earth, I will not be able to leverage my opponent. This is analogous to staying emotionally grounded. You must be whole and present. In Jiu-Jitsu, if you let your mind wander, if you are not fully present in your body, your opponent will have his arm around your neck, and if you do not become present and tap out, you will become unconscious and pass out.
    In life, we seek to be grounded in physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. Many of us are stuck in the paradigm of entitlement. I know I was. Before Carly died, I felt entitled to her— indeed, my own—well-planned future. I felt entitled to my emotional and spiritual security. I felt entitled to my health and intellect. And I felt entitled to knowing when my life was going to change so that I could prepare. But we are not entitled to these types of groundedness. We have to work for them.
    One of the hardest things for me to accept about Jiu-Jitsu was that I had no control over what my opponent might do. In my mind, I would formulate brilliant game plans for sparring and competition. I would visualize the entire session. Then in reality, my opponent wouldn’t follow my brilliant plan, and I would be lost. Often I would freeze up or fall a step behind while trying to make a new plan in real time. I wasn’t able to adapt and flow without great effort. I would get angry with myself, and sometimes, with my opponent. I would lose my groundedness. Now when I am sparring and tactics go awry, the first thing I ask myself—after are you remembering to breathe? —is are you connected to the Earth? I know that if I can get at least one foot firmly on the mat, then I will find the leverage to upset my opponent and regain my sense of well-being. When my opponent is Grief, and I fear its tight grip around my neck, I also ask myself if I am connected to the Earth. Life requires that we are consummately receptive, regardless of preparation. We must adapt and flow seamlessly. Being connected to the Earth provides the comfort I need to get closer to my grief.
    Accommodating grief and fear takes courage. Early on, I believed that I could not do it. I