choosing instead to investigate Toyota Pride. A single legionnaire stood guard among the cars. Private Telk was daydreaming about being an Indy racecar driver, but was abruptly jolted back into reality when the spider commander tapped him on the shoulder.
“ Halt!” shouted Private Telk, spinning about, pointing his fixed bayonet rifle menacingly. “Who goes there?”
“ It is too late to pretend you were alert and diligently doing your duty,” scoffed the spider commander. “Sling your weapon. I am a friend. I know Elena.”
“ It seems everyone knows Elena,” replied Telk, slumping. “Even spiders?”
“ Your wife is a dedicated medic and Hero of the Legion. Back in the day, she unselfishly duct-taped my wounds, saving my life. Nothing sordid happened, if that’s what you were thinking. Elena is pure as the driven snow, what little there is here on New Colorado.”
“ What are you doing out here?” asked Telk defensively, not convinced by talk of snow. “No one is allowed near the cars at night, especially you spiders.”
“ You spiders? I thought we were allies. No matter. I am just curious about the Toyota Pride, and came out to gawk like everyone else. It is quite a vehicle.”
“The racecars are off-limits for security reasons,” warned Private Telk.
“ I heard it’s really a Daewoo. I want to see this Daewoo close up,” advised the spider commander, brushing by. “I hear it is run by computer.”
“ Toyota Pride has a dangerous alarm system. I was ordered to shoo off tourists.”
“ Nonsense, I am not a tourist,” replied the spider commander as he cautiously approached the Toyota Pride, tapping its door. “There is nothing special here. It is just a stupid car with a fancy paint job.”
“ Sir, I am far from stupid,” reacted the rover, opening its DeLorean doors in invitation. “You are of some rank among the spiders? A leader?”
“ I am the Supreme Commander of the New Gobi Military District,” boasted the spider commander as he seated himself. There was no steering wheel. “Computer, start engine.”
“ Why?”
“ Computer, override security system, start engine.”
“ Not likely.”
“ Fine! Show me your laser.”
The laser gun popped up from a front quarter panel, pointing ominously at the spider commander. Private Telk backed away, fearing the worst.
“I told you it had an alarm system!”
“ Point your ray gun safely down range,” ordered the spider commander, calmly. “Where did such a fine weapon come from? The Coleopteran Federation, maybe? Those smarmy beetles are a cleaver lot.”
“ You covet our laser technology?” asked the rover, withdrawing the laser back to its hidden compartment. “For what purpose? You would attack humanity, or your other neighbors?”
“ As much as I would like, sentimentality is not an option. War with the United States Galactic Federation would be counter productive. We are allies against a vast hostile galaxy. I fear your laser may fall into the clutches of others just waiting for an opportunity to strike a dagger into the heart of the Empire. We must have its secret for self-defense purposes only.”
“ You propose a treaty?”
“ With a computer?”
“ With Ursidae.”
“ What is Ursidae, a subsidiary of Toyota or Daewoo?”
The rover projected images of bear-like species appearing to be having sex in a zoo. Next, a star chart appeared on the monitor, followed my more fucking bears.
“What freak show circus is this?” asked the spider commander, tapping the screen with his claw. At the same time he slipped a tracking and recording device under the seat. “More disgusting human pestilence Smokey the Bear Forest Service porn propaganda aimed at our hatchlings? Enough of your abominations. Where did you get that laser?”
“ From Ursidae,” repeated the rover, impatiently displaying the star chart. “I was sent to establish first contact and treaty with sentient life forms, no matter how challenged
“ Halt!” shouted Private Telk, spinning about, pointing his fixed bayonet rifle menacingly. “Who goes there?”
“ It is too late to pretend you were alert and diligently doing your duty,” scoffed the spider commander. “Sling your weapon. I am a friend. I know Elena.”
“ It seems everyone knows Elena,” replied Telk, slumping. “Even spiders?”
“ Your wife is a dedicated medic and Hero of the Legion. Back in the day, she unselfishly duct-taped my wounds, saving my life. Nothing sordid happened, if that’s what you were thinking. Elena is pure as the driven snow, what little there is here on New Colorado.”
“ What are you doing out here?” asked Telk defensively, not convinced by talk of snow. “No one is allowed near the cars at night, especially you spiders.”
“ You spiders? I thought we were allies. No matter. I am just curious about the Toyota Pride, and came out to gawk like everyone else. It is quite a vehicle.”
“The racecars are off-limits for security reasons,” warned Private Telk.
“ I heard it’s really a Daewoo. I want to see this Daewoo close up,” advised the spider commander, brushing by. “I hear it is run by computer.”
“ Toyota Pride has a dangerous alarm system. I was ordered to shoo off tourists.”
“ Nonsense, I am not a tourist,” replied the spider commander as he cautiously approached the Toyota Pride, tapping its door. “There is nothing special here. It is just a stupid car with a fancy paint job.”
“ Sir, I am far from stupid,” reacted the rover, opening its DeLorean doors in invitation. “You are of some rank among the spiders? A leader?”
“ I am the Supreme Commander of the New Gobi Military District,” boasted the spider commander as he seated himself. There was no steering wheel. “Computer, start engine.”
“ Why?”
“ Computer, override security system, start engine.”
“ Not likely.”
“ Fine! Show me your laser.”
The laser gun popped up from a front quarter panel, pointing ominously at the spider commander. Private Telk backed away, fearing the worst.
“I told you it had an alarm system!”
“ Point your ray gun safely down range,” ordered the spider commander, calmly. “Where did such a fine weapon come from? The Coleopteran Federation, maybe? Those smarmy beetles are a cleaver lot.”
“ You covet our laser technology?” asked the rover, withdrawing the laser back to its hidden compartment. “For what purpose? You would attack humanity, or your other neighbors?”
“ As much as I would like, sentimentality is not an option. War with the United States Galactic Federation would be counter productive. We are allies against a vast hostile galaxy. I fear your laser may fall into the clutches of others just waiting for an opportunity to strike a dagger into the heart of the Empire. We must have its secret for self-defense purposes only.”
“ You propose a treaty?”
“ With a computer?”
“ With Ursidae.”
“ What is Ursidae, a subsidiary of Toyota or Daewoo?”
The rover projected images of bear-like species appearing to be having sex in a zoo. Next, a star chart appeared on the monitor, followed my more fucking bears.
“What freak show circus is this?” asked the spider commander, tapping the screen with his claw. At the same time he slipped a tracking and recording device under the seat. “More disgusting human pestilence Smokey the Bear Forest Service porn propaganda aimed at our hatchlings? Enough of your abominations. Where did you get that laser?”
“ From Ursidae,” repeated the rover, impatiently displaying the star chart. “I was sent to establish first contact and treaty with sentient life forms, no matter how challenged
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