F*ck Feelings

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Authors: MD Michael Bennett
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that’s not possible, but someone who is trying to do right. Make your plans as concrete, realistic, and businesslike as possible, with numbers and timelines. Then monitor your progress, grading yourself according to how you do, not how you feel. You may seem to do little more in a month than get your work done, feed the kids, and make a few phone calls. If, however, you’re doing everything you can reasonably expect yourself to do, in spite of poverty, loss, social isolation, and all the other dispiriting feelings that can drag down your soul, you’re right on course for success.
    It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, but try instead to set your own standards, taking into account what you know you’re capable of, and refer to them often. You might not always feel like a winner, but you’ll never lose.
Quick Diagnosis
    Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
    â€¢Â Some ability that doesn’t suck
    â€¢Â A friend or lover anytime before you die
    â€¢Â Just one reason for confidence and optimism
    â€¢Â Dreams that might actually happen
    â€¢Â The ability to look in the mirror or back on your life without horror
    Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
    â€¢Â Do your best to survive
    â€¢Â Act as if you like yourself
    â€¢Â Keep busy and distracted
    â€¢Â Avoid adding to your troubles
    â€¢Â Change your underwear in the hope that it will change your luck
    Here’s how you can do it:
    â€¢Â Replace “should have” and “could have” with “just can’t” and “it is what it is”
    â€¢Â List the daily activities you consider necessary for work, health, survival, and nurturing a personal life
    â€¢Â Grade yourself daily, as if you were evaluating a friend
    â€¢Â Give extra points every time you treat yourself or do something positive during times when you feel like a loser who deserves nothing
    â€¢Â Get a dog (cats are an acceptable substitute, but it’s not exactly confidence building to have a box of shit in your house)
Your Script
    Here’s what to say to someone/yourself when you feel trapped, stuck, and totally below average.
    Dear [Me/Beloved Pet/The Ceiling],
    I know I lack self-confidence, related to my lack of [skills/cash/education/good looks] and inability to [feel more self-confident after I see my therapist/take antidepressants/read self-help books]. However, I haven’t let it drive me to [insert illegal and/or addictive activity], at least not yet, and I’m still taking care of business. I’m still confident in my ability to ignore how confident I [don’t] feel while I wait for my luck to turn.
    Did You Know . . . About the Scourge of ESE (Excessive Self-Esteem)?
    If you’ve never heard of ESE, you’re not alone; this devastating but, until recently, unrecognized condition afflicts a large number of people who, until now, were thought to suffer from nothing more serious than bad hair and an inability to respond to humor.
    It was previously thought that LSE, more commonly known as “low self-esteem,” was the more dangerous condition, because it prevented people from developing the confidence required to make friends, influence people, and become a motivational speaker. Or at the very least, get laid.
    It turns out, however, that most LSEs learn how to function quite well in spite of persistent self-criticism and self-doubt, whereas those with ESE are unaware of their offensiveness and resulting broken relationships, and so don’t seek help. Their overconfidence in everything they do, from their terrible decisions involving relationships to their incomprehensible fashion choices, are, sadly, troubling only to those around them. They can continue in life with intricate facial topiary and numerous (mostly illegitimate) children they can’t support, still thinking they’re God’s gift and deserving of

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