sharing my feelings—especially my doubts, fears, hopes, and desires. They are what make me vulnerable and more than anything, I hate being vulnerable. Once Rafiq had gained my trust, once he had given me a destiny and a purpose, I didn’t dream so much.
The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.
The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.
I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.
Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.
***
It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I fucked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.
Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.
All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?
After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.
It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.
“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we
The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.
The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.
I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.
Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.
***
It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I fucked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.
Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.
All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?
After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.
It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.
“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we
Similar Books
