it is about the atoms that make up their cells that make up their genes, it just can’t be bred back out in a generation or two.
So you have to trick your loyal protector of the castle in much the same way you’d trick a fearful dog out of being afraid: You teach him to sit using hot dogs (and no, Oscar Mayer has not endorsed this book).
I cannot emphasize enough the power of hot dogs. After considerable and methodically sound research, I have determined that they contain unique cataleptic properties similar in effect to humans snorting pure chocolate, and are, in my opinion, the single most persuasive dog-training tool known to humankind.
Start in places where he won’t be distracted by other dogs, and teach him to sit using cut-up hot dogs as his reward for obeying. Like the fearfully aggressive dog, you are not really teaching him to sit, but to defer to you and then to relax. Repeat the exercise again and again until he automatically associates the word “sit” with hot dogs and happiness, and only then begin practicing in public.
Always keep him on a halter-type leash when you start the counterconditioning, because you must have physical control at all times. A regular collar—even a choke chain with prongs—won’t do the trick. Take him to the periphery of a park where there are other dogs, and every time he spies one and assumes his I’m-gonna-kick-some-ass posture, tell him to sit. He’ll probably ignore you at first, but wave a hot dog around in the air a few times above his head, and watch the offal-stuffed casing do its magic. Once he sits, wait for him to relax. Don’t reward him if he sits and jitters, or sits and keeps looking back at the other dogs. Wait for him to sit, look up at you, and relax . Once he does, give him his reward, and walk on. Then repeat, repeat, repeat.
As with the fearfully aggressive dog, the time for his social debut is determined by how well he learns to relax on command. If every single time you ask him to “sit,” he obeys and looks up at you with the gooey expression of a stuffed panda, then you’re ready for Grim’s Guide to Proper Fork Use, below. If, however, there is any hesitancy on his part—if he whines, or fidgets, or averts his eyes toward the other dogs, for instance—then he’s not ready and must continue his lessons. Desensitizing is the magic key here.
At this point, your question to me is probably, “Won’t my dog get fat with all these hot dogs?” and my response is, “Yeah. So?” Would you rather have a fat, happy dog or a lean, mean killing machine? And besides, once you get through this chapter, you’ll be able to take him jogging through the park to lose the weight without getting the usual dirty looks from parents of “normal” dogs.
This coincidentally leads me into the next section ...
Grim’s Guide to Proper Fork Use
Now that Cujo can go to the park and not act like a total redneck, he’s ready for the final phase of counterconditioning, which, for him will be easy, because he won’t actually have to do anything.
You, however, will. Don’t worry, though, as there are only two steps.
Step One: Tell yourself that Cujo will never be able to run loose with other dogs, and once you’re convinced, move on to Step Two.
Step Two: Reward yourself with a hot dog.
“But ... ”
But nothing. Cujo can now walk through the park with grace and civility, and for a dog who still probably wants to attack other dogs, that’s a goal you should be proud he’s reached.
“But ... ”
Get over it. As far as I’m concerned, the most proper way to use a fork is to scare away people with aggressive dogs who insist on letting them loose in dog parks. Any size fork will do. Believe me (because, unfortunately, I know), when someone with a crazy look in their eyes runs toward you screaming, “GO AWAY” while waving a fork, it doesn’t matter whether it’s made for salad or made for steak, you go away.
Look at it from their point of view.
So you have to trick your loyal protector of the castle in much the same way you’d trick a fearful dog out of being afraid: You teach him to sit using hot dogs (and no, Oscar Mayer has not endorsed this book).
I cannot emphasize enough the power of hot dogs. After considerable and methodically sound research, I have determined that they contain unique cataleptic properties similar in effect to humans snorting pure chocolate, and are, in my opinion, the single most persuasive dog-training tool known to humankind.
Start in places where he won’t be distracted by other dogs, and teach him to sit using cut-up hot dogs as his reward for obeying. Like the fearfully aggressive dog, you are not really teaching him to sit, but to defer to you and then to relax. Repeat the exercise again and again until he automatically associates the word “sit” with hot dogs and happiness, and only then begin practicing in public.
Always keep him on a halter-type leash when you start the counterconditioning, because you must have physical control at all times. A regular collar—even a choke chain with prongs—won’t do the trick. Take him to the periphery of a park where there are other dogs, and every time he spies one and assumes his I’m-gonna-kick-some-ass posture, tell him to sit. He’ll probably ignore you at first, but wave a hot dog around in the air a few times above his head, and watch the offal-stuffed casing do its magic. Once he sits, wait for him to relax. Don’t reward him if he sits and jitters, or sits and keeps looking back at the other dogs. Wait for him to sit, look up at you, and relax . Once he does, give him his reward, and walk on. Then repeat, repeat, repeat.
As with the fearfully aggressive dog, the time for his social debut is determined by how well he learns to relax on command. If every single time you ask him to “sit,” he obeys and looks up at you with the gooey expression of a stuffed panda, then you’re ready for Grim’s Guide to Proper Fork Use, below. If, however, there is any hesitancy on his part—if he whines, or fidgets, or averts his eyes toward the other dogs, for instance—then he’s not ready and must continue his lessons. Desensitizing is the magic key here.
At this point, your question to me is probably, “Won’t my dog get fat with all these hot dogs?” and my response is, “Yeah. So?” Would you rather have a fat, happy dog or a lean, mean killing machine? And besides, once you get through this chapter, you’ll be able to take him jogging through the park to lose the weight without getting the usual dirty looks from parents of “normal” dogs.
This coincidentally leads me into the next section ...
Grim’s Guide to Proper Fork Use
Now that Cujo can go to the park and not act like a total redneck, he’s ready for the final phase of counterconditioning, which, for him will be easy, because he won’t actually have to do anything.
You, however, will. Don’t worry, though, as there are only two steps.
Step One: Tell yourself that Cujo will never be able to run loose with other dogs, and once you’re convinced, move on to Step Two.
Step Two: Reward yourself with a hot dog.
“But ... ”
But nothing. Cujo can now walk through the park with grace and civility, and for a dog who still probably wants to attack other dogs, that’s a goal you should be proud he’s reached.
“But ... ”
Get over it. As far as I’m concerned, the most proper way to use a fork is to scare away people with aggressive dogs who insist on letting them loose in dog parks. Any size fork will do. Believe me (because, unfortunately, I know), when someone with a crazy look in their eyes runs toward you screaming, “GO AWAY” while waving a fork, it doesn’t matter whether it’s made for salad or made for steak, you go away.
Look at it from their point of view.
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