than necessary on her shoulders and quickly start rubbing it in to distract from my shock at her words.
‘Of course I’m serious, Jeremy. Why wouldn’t I be? My maternal clock’s ticking, and I’m over the club scene and the frantic pace of London.’
‘But you’re not even close to thirty, you have heaps of time.’ God, I need to come up with something, she’s slipping away from me, from beneath my very fingers. I know I’m not ready for a family or to ‘settle down’. I’ve just started to make headway in my career. My research at Harvard is only serving to make me more certain I am on the right path. I’ve never been closer to a significant breakthrough in managing chemical imbalances in the brain. After all these years, I know I’m finally on the right path, on the cusp of finally doing something real and tangible to help prevent families going through the pain and hell we went through with Michael. I can’t stop now and I can’t split my focus between work and a family. My hours of study, my research, it would be a disaster. And there is no way Alexa would tolerate a partner who isn’t around for their kids, there’s just no way.
‘I know,’ she replies calmly, while my mind reels, ‘but it’s only just around the corner and you never know how long these things can take. One of my friends who just turned thirty has been trying for two years without success. I don’t know how I’d survive if that happened to me. I can’t ignore it much longer, Jeremy. Every baby I pass in the street is…well, it’s as if my heart spasms and contracts. The yearning to nurture my own biological child is like nothing I’ve felt.
Each time I see a pregnant belly I smile at the mother and then tears well up in my eyes. And I can’t deny it, the feeling gets stronger each day. It’s as if everything else has faded into insignificance for me.’
I drag my brain back from morbid thoughts on how depression can devastate the happiest of families to concentrate fully on Alexa’s words. My lover…my best friend…clock ticking…
Jeez, does she expect me to be the father? What if she’s already pregnant? Bloody hell. I’m so not ready for this. She sits up from her lying position and looks directly into my eyes, as if sensing my fear, my rising anxiety as to where this discussion is leading.
‘It’s okay, Jeremy.’ She laughs her delightful laugh. ‘You don’t need to look so scared! I know your career is everything to you, it always has been — and it’s not like we have ever had a monogamous relationship. We just have incredibly great sex when we’re together. You’ve made your views on marriage very clear over the years.’
‘Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose I have.’ She looks at me with a gorgeous twinkle in her eye and her dimple appears next to her smile. I breathe a sigh of relief and relax but surely she must know she means more to me than incredibly great sex…doesn’t she? And as for my anti-marriage views…well, we’ve been on opposite sides of the world for the past few years and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her that such views only ever pertained to every other woman in the world until I was ready for her.
‘I’ve met someone.’ Fuck. That’s a bombshell. My thoughts come to an abrupt halt. My heart pounds deeply within my chest at her words. ‘And it’s getting serious, I think.’
My breathing temporarily stops before I realise she is waiting for me to respond.
‘Really, what’s his name?’ I have to pretend I’m coughing as I choke out the words.
‘Robert. He’s English but seems quite keen on moving to Australia with me and he just loves kids. I met him a few months ago at a friend’s christening and….’ I see her lips forming words but I don’t hear her voice thanks to the loud thrumming in my ears and the pumping pain in my chest. This is it. I’m losing my Alexa. Doesn’t she realise she is mine, has been since we first met? Now she wants to
‘Of course I’m serious, Jeremy. Why wouldn’t I be? My maternal clock’s ticking, and I’m over the club scene and the frantic pace of London.’
‘But you’re not even close to thirty, you have heaps of time.’ God, I need to come up with something, she’s slipping away from me, from beneath my very fingers. I know I’m not ready for a family or to ‘settle down’. I’ve just started to make headway in my career. My research at Harvard is only serving to make me more certain I am on the right path. I’ve never been closer to a significant breakthrough in managing chemical imbalances in the brain. After all these years, I know I’m finally on the right path, on the cusp of finally doing something real and tangible to help prevent families going through the pain and hell we went through with Michael. I can’t stop now and I can’t split my focus between work and a family. My hours of study, my research, it would be a disaster. And there is no way Alexa would tolerate a partner who isn’t around for their kids, there’s just no way.
‘I know,’ she replies calmly, while my mind reels, ‘but it’s only just around the corner and you never know how long these things can take. One of my friends who just turned thirty has been trying for two years without success. I don’t know how I’d survive if that happened to me. I can’t ignore it much longer, Jeremy. Every baby I pass in the street is…well, it’s as if my heart spasms and contracts. The yearning to nurture my own biological child is like nothing I’ve felt.
Each time I see a pregnant belly I smile at the mother and then tears well up in my eyes. And I can’t deny it, the feeling gets stronger each day. It’s as if everything else has faded into insignificance for me.’
I drag my brain back from morbid thoughts on how depression can devastate the happiest of families to concentrate fully on Alexa’s words. My lover…my best friend…clock ticking…
Jeez, does she expect me to be the father? What if she’s already pregnant? Bloody hell. I’m so not ready for this. She sits up from her lying position and looks directly into my eyes, as if sensing my fear, my rising anxiety as to where this discussion is leading.
‘It’s okay, Jeremy.’ She laughs her delightful laugh. ‘You don’t need to look so scared! I know your career is everything to you, it always has been — and it’s not like we have ever had a monogamous relationship. We just have incredibly great sex when we’re together. You’ve made your views on marriage very clear over the years.’
‘Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose I have.’ She looks at me with a gorgeous twinkle in her eye and her dimple appears next to her smile. I breathe a sigh of relief and relax but surely she must know she means more to me than incredibly great sex…doesn’t she? And as for my anti-marriage views…well, we’ve been on opposite sides of the world for the past few years and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her that such views only ever pertained to every other woman in the world until I was ready for her.
‘I’ve met someone.’ Fuck. That’s a bombshell. My thoughts come to an abrupt halt. My heart pounds deeply within my chest at her words. ‘And it’s getting serious, I think.’
My breathing temporarily stops before I realise she is waiting for me to respond.
‘Really, what’s his name?’ I have to pretend I’m coughing as I choke out the words.
‘Robert. He’s English but seems quite keen on moving to Australia with me and he just loves kids. I met him a few months ago at a friend’s christening and….’ I see her lips forming words but I don’t hear her voice thanks to the loud thrumming in my ears and the pumping pain in my chest. This is it. I’m losing my Alexa. Doesn’t she realise she is mine, has been since we first met? Now she wants to
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