Read Online Dave Barry's Money Secrets by Dave Barry - Free Book Online
Authors: Dave Barry
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clothes into the washer, then into the drier, even though it took you several minutes to figure out how to turn these appliances on. You viewed the result as a success, in that your socks did OK. But many of the other garments shrank from normal human sizes to Barbie clothes, plus all the whites came out roughly the color of Hawaiian Punch. Your spouse was highly critical, so you decided never to attempt a laundry again, and you resumed dropping your clothes on the floor. So now your spouse has resumed making snide comments. What the hell does she want?.
Observing a Child’s Birthday
Months before the child’s birthday, you select a party date and place. You also select a theme and scour the Internet for theme-appropriate decorations, party favors, etc. You arrange for food and entertainment—a clown, a magician, Barry Manilow, etc. You send out invitations, after carefully reviewing the guest list with the child. On the day of the party itself, you turn into a raving theme-crazed lunatic,* 22 barking orders to your spouse such as: “I don’t care if it’s raining, you need to PUT OUT THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
RIGHT NOW.
” At the end of the party, when your house is a child-devastation zone with partially eaten chicken nuggets strewn everywhere, you say, “Wasn’t that GREAT??” Then, after a break of about fifteen minutes, you start planning next year’s party.
Roughly a month after the child’s birth date, you remark: “Hey, doesn’t (name of child) have a birthday coming up?”
As this chart shows, we men
do
have standards for child care and housework. We would appreciate it if you women would make an honest effort to see things from
our
perspective for a change, and not get all snitty every time we make some teensy little mistake such as forgetting to feed the children for several days, or accidentally leaving a child behind at a turnpike service plaza. On behalf of all men everywhere, I ask you women to please cut us a little slack, OK? Also, would you mind fixing us a sandwich? We’re hungry! Thanks!
Now that we’ve dealt with child care and housework, let’s tackle the issue that
really
causes trouble in marriages: money. Married couples argue about money more than any other topic. In fact, they usually start arguing about it before they’re actually married, when they are planning their wedding.
When I say “they” in the previous sentence, I am of course referring to the bride-to-be and her mother, since they are the ones who plan the wedding. As a rule, the groom-to-be has nothing to do with it. Sometimes the groom-to-be doesn’t even know he’s getting married until the bride-to-be orders him to rent formal wear. At that point the bride-to-be and her mom have spent
months
poring over bridal magazines the size of meat lockers and talking to wedding planners, printers, florists, caterers, banquet managers, bandleaders, dressmakers, photographers, videographers, jewelers, cake makers, confectioners, and so on, making the thousands of critical decisions necessary to stage a modern American wedding, which involves the same amount of planning as the Normandy Invasion, although of course the wedding is far more expensive.
Eventually two facts penetrate the brain of the groom-to-be: (1) he really and truly is going to get married, and (2) the wedding is going to cost more money than either he or the bride-to-be has ever spent on anything. This strikes the groom-to-be as insane. If he truly believes that he is an equal partner in the relationship, and he is also a complete idiot, he voices this opinion to the bride-to-be.
This is when they have their first big money-related argument. The bride-to-be’s position is that their wedding is the culmination of all her girlhood dreams and the sacred public declaration of their love for, and eternal commitment to, each other. The groom-to-be’s position is that it is basically a big party requiring uncomfortable rented clothing. He will point out that if
Observing a Child’s Birthday
Months before the child’s birthday, you select a party date and place. You also select a theme and scour the Internet for theme-appropriate decorations, party favors, etc. You arrange for food and entertainment—a clown, a magician, Barry Manilow, etc. You send out invitations, after carefully reviewing the guest list with the child. On the day of the party itself, you turn into a raving theme-crazed lunatic,* 22 barking orders to your spouse such as: “I don’t care if it’s raining, you need to PUT OUT THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
RIGHT NOW.
” At the end of the party, when your house is a child-devastation zone with partially eaten chicken nuggets strewn everywhere, you say, “Wasn’t that GREAT??” Then, after a break of about fifteen minutes, you start planning next year’s party.
Roughly a month after the child’s birth date, you remark: “Hey, doesn’t (name of child) have a birthday coming up?”
As this chart shows, we men
do
have standards for child care and housework. We would appreciate it if you women would make an honest effort to see things from
our
perspective for a change, and not get all snitty every time we make some teensy little mistake such as forgetting to feed the children for several days, or accidentally leaving a child behind at a turnpike service plaza. On behalf of all men everywhere, I ask you women to please cut us a little slack, OK? Also, would you mind fixing us a sandwich? We’re hungry! Thanks!
Now that we’ve dealt with child care and housework, let’s tackle the issue that
really
causes trouble in marriages: money. Married couples argue about money more than any other topic. In fact, they usually start arguing about it before they’re actually married, when they are planning their wedding.
When I say “they” in the previous sentence, I am of course referring to the bride-to-be and her mother, since they are the ones who plan the wedding. As a rule, the groom-to-be has nothing to do with it. Sometimes the groom-to-be doesn’t even know he’s getting married until the bride-to-be orders him to rent formal wear. At that point the bride-to-be and her mom have spent
months
poring over bridal magazines the size of meat lockers and talking to wedding planners, printers, florists, caterers, banquet managers, bandleaders, dressmakers, photographers, videographers, jewelers, cake makers, confectioners, and so on, making the thousands of critical decisions necessary to stage a modern American wedding, which involves the same amount of planning as the Normandy Invasion, although of course the wedding is far more expensive.
Eventually two facts penetrate the brain of the groom-to-be: (1) he really and truly is going to get married, and (2) the wedding is going to cost more money than either he or the bride-to-be has ever spent on anything. This strikes the groom-to-be as insane. If he truly believes that he is an equal partner in the relationship, and he is also a complete idiot, he voices this opinion to the bride-to-be.
This is when they have their first big money-related argument. The bride-to-be’s position is that their wedding is the culmination of all her girlhood dreams and the sacred public declaration of their love for, and eternal commitment to, each other. The groom-to-be’s position is that it is basically a big party requiring uncomfortable rented clothing. He will point out that if
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