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Authors: Dave Barry
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they took the wedding money and instead invested it in the stock market, it could pay for their children’s college educations. Of course, if the groom-to-be actually
had
the wedding money, he would not invest it in the stock market; he would invest it in a motorcycle. But that’s irrelevant, because the groom-to-be never wins this argument. The bride-to-be always wins, because she employs a powerful, persuasive, and logical argument: crying.* 23
So they have a lavish wedding, and it is a wonderful affair documented for posterity by a riveting, professionally produced three-hour video that nobody except the bride and her mother is able to watch for more than ninety seconds without lapsing into a coma. But the pattern has been set: Just as men and women have different standards for child care and housework, they have different priorities about how to spend money.
W OMEN’S T OP T EN F INANCIAL P RIORITIES
1.
Shoes
2.
Food
3.
Shoes
4.
Clothing
5.
Shoes that go with the clothing
6.
Shelter, defined as “a place to keep shoes”
7.
Jewelry
8.
Shoes that go with the jewelry
9.
Saving for the future
10.
Shoes that will look good in the future
M EN’S T OP T EN F INANCIAL P RIORITIES
1.
A motorcycle
Obviously, with these differing priorities, unless the couple has access to an unlimited amount of money and closet space, there will be conflicts over spending. And if these conflicts are not resolved, they can grow and fester, eventually forming lesions that develop into pustules with circular pores, through which masses of spores are released.
No! Wait! Those are the symptoms of Asian soybean rust, a disease that, according to the American Soybean Association, “has the potential to very negatively affect the U.S. soybean industry . . . with possible yield losses of up to 80 percent or more.”
But we cannot concern ourselves with that now. We have to figure out how you married couples out there can resolve your disputes about money. The key is being willing to compromise. Here’s an example of what I mean:
Let’s say a couple has been trying, with no success, to save money for a down payment on a house. One day the husband discovers that his wife has purchased a $137 pair of shoes that, as far as he can detect with his naked husband eye, are identical to a pair of shoes she bought the previous month. He confronts her about this. She points out that (1) the new shoes are not even remotely identical to the other shoes, which are a
completely different
shade of lime green; and (2) the husband just purchased a new cellular phone, despite the fact that the one he had was only four months old and worked fine. He replies that he needs the new phone because it has “Bluetooth,” as well as
both
“EDGE”
and
“GPRS.” She asks why he needs these features, and he becomes quite testy, because (1) he dislikes being second-guessed; and (2) he has no idea what these features actually are. He just thought they sounded cool.
So now the couple is having a full-blown money argument. If they allow the situation to deteriorate, their marriage could be in real trouble. This is why they need to compromise—to find a solution that allows
both
of them to feel that their needs are being met. In this case, the ideal compromise would be as follows:
• THE WIFE stomps out of the house in a blind rage and charges sixteen dozen pairs of designer shoes, running up an enormous credit card bill and thereby giving . . .
• THE HUSBAND the excuse he needs to take out a loan and buy a motorcycle.
Thus we see that, thanks to the power of compromise, what could have been an unproductive spat becomes a “win-win” situation, at least until large men come to take away all their possessions. But no matter what particular financial problems you’re having at the moment, you must always remember that marriage is a serious lifetime commitment, often lasting as long as
had
the wedding money, he would not invest it in the stock market; he would invest it in a motorcycle. But that’s irrelevant, because the groom-to-be never wins this argument. The bride-to-be always wins, because she employs a powerful, persuasive, and logical argument: crying.* 23
So they have a lavish wedding, and it is a wonderful affair documented for posterity by a riveting, professionally produced three-hour video that nobody except the bride and her mother is able to watch for more than ninety seconds without lapsing into a coma. But the pattern has been set: Just as men and women have different standards for child care and housework, they have different priorities about how to spend money.
W OMEN’S T OP T EN F INANCIAL P RIORITIES
1.
Shoes
2.
Food
3.
Shoes
4.
Clothing
5.
Shoes that go with the clothing
6.
Shelter, defined as “a place to keep shoes”
7.
Jewelry
8.
Shoes that go with the jewelry
9.
Saving for the future
10.
Shoes that will look good in the future
M EN’S T OP T EN F INANCIAL P RIORITIES
1.
A motorcycle
Obviously, with these differing priorities, unless the couple has access to an unlimited amount of money and closet space, there will be conflicts over spending. And if these conflicts are not resolved, they can grow and fester, eventually forming lesions that develop into pustules with circular pores, through which masses of spores are released.
No! Wait! Those are the symptoms of Asian soybean rust, a disease that, according to the American Soybean Association, “has the potential to very negatively affect the U.S. soybean industry . . . with possible yield losses of up to 80 percent or more.”
But we cannot concern ourselves with that now. We have to figure out how you married couples out there can resolve your disputes about money. The key is being willing to compromise. Here’s an example of what I mean:
Let’s say a couple has been trying, with no success, to save money for a down payment on a house. One day the husband discovers that his wife has purchased a $137 pair of shoes that, as far as he can detect with his naked husband eye, are identical to a pair of shoes she bought the previous month. He confronts her about this. She points out that (1) the new shoes are not even remotely identical to the other shoes, which are a
completely different
shade of lime green; and (2) the husband just purchased a new cellular phone, despite the fact that the one he had was only four months old and worked fine. He replies that he needs the new phone because it has “Bluetooth,” as well as
both
“EDGE”
and
“GPRS.” She asks why he needs these features, and he becomes quite testy, because (1) he dislikes being second-guessed; and (2) he has no idea what these features actually are. He just thought they sounded cool.
So now the couple is having a full-blown money argument. If they allow the situation to deteriorate, their marriage could be in real trouble. This is why they need to compromise—to find a solution that allows
both
of them to feel that their needs are being met. In this case, the ideal compromise would be as follows:
• THE WIFE stomps out of the house in a blind rage and charges sixteen dozen pairs of designer shoes, running up an enormous credit card bill and thereby giving . . .
• THE HUSBAND the excuse he needs to take out a loan and buy a motorcycle.
Thus we see that, thanks to the power of compromise, what could have been an unproductive spat becomes a “win-win” situation, at least until large men come to take away all their possessions. But no matter what particular financial problems you’re having at the moment, you must always remember that marriage is a serious lifetime commitment, often lasting as long as
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