Read Online Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend - Free Book Online
Authors: Anne Dohrenwend
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school. With her short cropped hair, tattoos and adamant refusal to wear makeup, it’s a foregone conclusion she’s a lesbian. Her parents don’t have a problem with her being gay, but they wish she would just tell them. They’re thinking about asking her.
Sam sounds really cool, but nothing in her story suggests that she is gay. Stereotypes about gays draw many people to wrong conclusions. One such conclusion is to assume that every boy who likes knitting and every girl who plays basketball is gay by default. Many straight youths who are assumed to be gay suffer the same degree of gay-bashing as their homosexual counterparts. Joining the Gay-Straight Alliance is a sure sign of two things—that Sam has healthy self-esteem and a passion for justice.
I don’t have qualms about Sam’s parents asking her about her sexual orientation, but how they ask is important. Sometimes a question can be asked in such a way as to discourage a truthful answer. “You’re not gay, are you?” ends a conversation rather than begins one.
Because of her involvement in the Gay-Straight Alliance, Samantha may have given the matter of sexual orientation more thought than most youths. On the other hand, she may be sick and tired of people assuming she is gay just because she likes basketball and cares about justice. I suggested that Sam’s parents start any conversation about sexual orientation by applauding her activism. They should point out that her involvement with the Gay-Straight Alliance is a source of pride for them. They can share some of what they know about the struggles faced by LGBTQs and tell Sam that she may never know the powerful difference that her support may have made in the life of a gay peer. Her parents could also talk about their distress at the way some parents treat their gay children and state that it would make no difference to them whether their child was straight, gay or transgender. They might even ask if they, as parents, can do anything to join Sam in her efforts to support LGBTQs at her school. At this point, if Sam’s parents ask, “By the way, do you know yet what your sexual orientation is: heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual?” she is unlikely to take offense.
Because heterosexuality is assumed to be the ideal, being gay or lesbian is presumed to be a failure in attaining heterosexuality. LGBTQs are not broken heterosexuals. They simply are not heterosexuals.
Chapter 10
Casual Cruelty
I am confident that your child can lead a wonderful life, but his or her life will not go untouched by the pain of discrimination. This is upsetting to hear, I know. My spouse and I joke about building a plastic bubble for our son so that he can roll about unaffected by all things harsh and cold, but as much as we want to protect him, we also want to see him grow and no one grows encased in a bubble. People grow when they are challenged and some of life’s greatest lessons strain body and soul with their demands. Without a doubt, it is a hardship to suffer discrimination and yet, if one is open to it, there is much to be learned from oppression and overcoming it.
Discrimination is the prejudicial and unfavorable treatment of a minority population that limits that population’s opportunities, potentials and freedoms. Laws can be discriminatory, e.g., protecting one group’s rights while trampling another’s, but much discrimination occurs outside of the law. Individuals can discriminate in hiring, firing and promoting. Groups can discriminate by excluding certain types of people from joining. Discrimination is often a covert operation, such as omitting a minority group from a history book or not mentioning the minority status of an historical figure.
The LGBTQ population still faces all of these types of discrimination, although the degree of discrimination varies dramaticallydepending on the country or even the state in which you live. What I would like to focus on is a kind of oppression that happens on an
Sam sounds really cool, but nothing in her story suggests that she is gay. Stereotypes about gays draw many people to wrong conclusions. One such conclusion is to assume that every boy who likes knitting and every girl who plays basketball is gay by default. Many straight youths who are assumed to be gay suffer the same degree of gay-bashing as their homosexual counterparts. Joining the Gay-Straight Alliance is a sure sign of two things—that Sam has healthy self-esteem and a passion for justice.
I don’t have qualms about Sam’s parents asking her about her sexual orientation, but how they ask is important. Sometimes a question can be asked in such a way as to discourage a truthful answer. “You’re not gay, are you?” ends a conversation rather than begins one.
Because of her involvement in the Gay-Straight Alliance, Samantha may have given the matter of sexual orientation more thought than most youths. On the other hand, she may be sick and tired of people assuming she is gay just because she likes basketball and cares about justice. I suggested that Sam’s parents start any conversation about sexual orientation by applauding her activism. They should point out that her involvement with the Gay-Straight Alliance is a source of pride for them. They can share some of what they know about the struggles faced by LGBTQs and tell Sam that she may never know the powerful difference that her support may have made in the life of a gay peer. Her parents could also talk about their distress at the way some parents treat their gay children and state that it would make no difference to them whether their child was straight, gay or transgender. They might even ask if they, as parents, can do anything to join Sam in her efforts to support LGBTQs at her school. At this point, if Sam’s parents ask, “By the way, do you know yet what your sexual orientation is: heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual?” she is unlikely to take offense.
Because heterosexuality is assumed to be the ideal, being gay or lesbian is presumed to be a failure in attaining heterosexuality. LGBTQs are not broken heterosexuals. They simply are not heterosexuals.
Chapter 10
Casual Cruelty
I am confident that your child can lead a wonderful life, but his or her life will not go untouched by the pain of discrimination. This is upsetting to hear, I know. My spouse and I joke about building a plastic bubble for our son so that he can roll about unaffected by all things harsh and cold, but as much as we want to protect him, we also want to see him grow and no one grows encased in a bubble. People grow when they are challenged and some of life’s greatest lessons strain body and soul with their demands. Without a doubt, it is a hardship to suffer discrimination and yet, if one is open to it, there is much to be learned from oppression and overcoming it.
Discrimination is the prejudicial and unfavorable treatment of a minority population that limits that population’s opportunities, potentials and freedoms. Laws can be discriminatory, e.g., protecting one group’s rights while trampling another’s, but much discrimination occurs outside of the law. Individuals can discriminate in hiring, firing and promoting. Groups can discriminate by excluding certain types of people from joining. Discrimination is often a covert operation, such as omitting a minority group from a history book or not mentioning the minority status of an historical figure.
The LGBTQ population still faces all of these types of discrimination, although the degree of discrimination varies dramaticallydepending on the country or even the state in which you live. What I would like to focus on is a kind of oppression that happens on an
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