Read Online Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Anne Dohrenwend
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informal basis: the impact of being subjected to ongoing ridicule and the casual cruelty of words.
LGBTQs experience intentional verbal harassment that is directed at them and meant to hurt them. They are also at risk for verbal assaults that are not specifically directed at them but which hurt all the same. These nonspecific attacks come in two forms. The first is through public media. LGBTQs remain a target for many social conservatives and it is still socially acceptable to demean publicly those who live a gay lifestyle. The second involves the invisibility of gays and requires a bit more explanation.
Many people possess a natural inclination to censor themselves when the target of their bigotry is in the room, especially when they know they have to work with the person or otherwise engage with the person on a regular basis. The invisibility of gays combined with heterogeneity bias eliminates that restraint. Gays are in the room but not known as gay when a person tells a gay joke. Gays are in the office but not known as gay when someone derides an openly gay coworker for his sexual orientation. Gays are in church but not known as gay when the sermon stresses the perversion of homosexuality. In grocery stores, riding elevators or walking through parking lots, LGBTQs hear anti-gay slurs. These insults are made all the worse by their suddenness and by the implicit awkwardness of responding (if one chooses to respond) to something said in someone else’s conversation.
Let me offer an example. A gay man, Tom, is at the home of Bart, his immediate boss at the company where they both work, attending a holiday party. Some guests are colleagues from work and some are personal friends of the hosting couple. Tom is engaged in an enjoyable conversation when one guest says to another, “Where do you get your hair cut? I can’t find a good barber.” When Rogan, the other guest, responds, his voice is effeminate and with a pronounced lisp, “I don’t go to a barber. I go to Jeffrey. That’s Jeff with a ‘rey’ at the end. He’s a stylist and he does wonders with my hair.” In his natural voice he adds, “I’ll give you his number, but don’t drop your wallet with him behind you.” A few people laugh. One guest rolls his eyes and gives Rogan a stern look. Rogan adds, “Ah, lighten up! I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Tom has been standing next to Rogan the whole time. He is angry and would like to say why. Before Tom can speak, he has to do aseries of mental calculations. He asks himself, Who here knows my sexual orientation ? Tom has told his boss and many of his colleagues. He is fairly sure that another guest, Karl, the vice president of a division he hopes to join, has heard through the office gossip. He has heard that Karl is fairly conservative and Tom wonders if the VP has a negative view of homosexuality. Tom wonders if a confrontation with Rogan will impact his chances of getting the job he wants.
Eventually, Tom decides to say something. He begins to think about what to say and how to say it in a way that will be best received. By the time he opens his mouth to speak, the conversation has shifted to a lively debate over the best recipe for stuffed mushrooms. If he says something at this point he figures it will come off as socially awkward. It will change the tone and the depth of the conversation, forcing it to a more personal level. That will be appreciated by some and seen as indulgent and emotional by others. Tom wonders if he should pull Rogan aside and talk to him one-on-one. Exasperated, Tom moves to another side of the room and sits down on the couch. A football game is on television. Tom pretends to watch so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone. He wonders, Is being silent the right choice tonight, at this party ? Silence comes at a cost. It gnaws at his gut and soul.
Sometimes the decision of whether to stand up for oneself or let an insult pass is easy. Too often, it is complicated and painful.
LGBTQs experience intentional verbal harassment that is directed at them and meant to hurt them. They are also at risk for verbal assaults that are not specifically directed at them but which hurt all the same. These nonspecific attacks come in two forms. The first is through public media. LGBTQs remain a target for many social conservatives and it is still socially acceptable to demean publicly those who live a gay lifestyle. The second involves the invisibility of gays and requires a bit more explanation.
Many people possess a natural inclination to censor themselves when the target of their bigotry is in the room, especially when they know they have to work with the person or otherwise engage with the person on a regular basis. The invisibility of gays combined with heterogeneity bias eliminates that restraint. Gays are in the room but not known as gay when a person tells a gay joke. Gays are in the office but not known as gay when someone derides an openly gay coworker for his sexual orientation. Gays are in church but not known as gay when the sermon stresses the perversion of homosexuality. In grocery stores, riding elevators or walking through parking lots, LGBTQs hear anti-gay slurs. These insults are made all the worse by their suddenness and by the implicit awkwardness of responding (if one chooses to respond) to something said in someone else’s conversation.
Let me offer an example. A gay man, Tom, is at the home of Bart, his immediate boss at the company where they both work, attending a holiday party. Some guests are colleagues from work and some are personal friends of the hosting couple. Tom is engaged in an enjoyable conversation when one guest says to another, “Where do you get your hair cut? I can’t find a good barber.” When Rogan, the other guest, responds, his voice is effeminate and with a pronounced lisp, “I don’t go to a barber. I go to Jeffrey. That’s Jeff with a ‘rey’ at the end. He’s a stylist and he does wonders with my hair.” In his natural voice he adds, “I’ll give you his number, but don’t drop your wallet with him behind you.” A few people laugh. One guest rolls his eyes and gives Rogan a stern look. Rogan adds, “Ah, lighten up! I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Tom has been standing next to Rogan the whole time. He is angry and would like to say why. Before Tom can speak, he has to do aseries of mental calculations. He asks himself, Who here knows my sexual orientation ? Tom has told his boss and many of his colleagues. He is fairly sure that another guest, Karl, the vice president of a division he hopes to join, has heard through the office gossip. He has heard that Karl is fairly conservative and Tom wonders if the VP has a negative view of homosexuality. Tom wonders if a confrontation with Rogan will impact his chances of getting the job he wants.
Eventually, Tom decides to say something. He begins to think about what to say and how to say it in a way that will be best received. By the time he opens his mouth to speak, the conversation has shifted to a lively debate over the best recipe for stuffed mushrooms. If he says something at this point he figures it will come off as socially awkward. It will change the tone and the depth of the conversation, forcing it to a more personal level. That will be appreciated by some and seen as indulgent and emotional by others. Tom wonders if he should pull Rogan aside and talk to him one-on-one. Exasperated, Tom moves to another side of the room and sits down on the couch. A football game is on television. Tom pretends to watch so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone. He wonders, Is being silent the right choice tonight, at this party ? Silence comes at a cost. It gnaws at his gut and soul.
Sometimes the decision of whether to stand up for oneself or let an insult pass is easy. Too often, it is complicated and painful.
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