The burden of always having to decide how, when and whom to confront is one that most heterosexuals cannot relate to because they have no experiential context adequate for understanding. It’s a burden that, I think, is somewhat distinctive of sexual minorities due to their invisibility. Additionally, there are ethnic/racial minorities whose appearances do not fit with stereotypic expectations, rendering them invisible. There are also many religious minorities whose identities are not readily apparent. Is it possible to handle these situations with grace? Sometimes I engage people in a non-aggressive manner that causes them to think not about my anger but about their biases. A lot of the time, I blurt something out which silences the homophobes but does little to change their hearts and minds. And then there are many days when I don’t feel like educating anyone about homophobia. I say nothing and feel angry and bitter later. Confronting homophobia is no small feat. It is a war with many, many battles. Encourage your child to be aware of the anger and disappointment that can build and to recognize when s/he needs to step back. Not all homophobic remarks are unanticipated blows. Sometimes they can be anticipated and avoided. For instance, if your child is listening to the radio and a socially conservative candidate is being interviewed, your son or daughter doesn’t have to listen. S/he can choose to turn the dial. There is a time to listen to negative rhetoric so that a response can be formulated, but there is also a time to tune it out. Gay individuals must do what they can to pace themselves regarding the challenge of homophobia. They must take the time and space needed to refuel, even though it means letting some negative remarks go unanswered. If I tried to respond to every negative message I’ve heard about gay people, I’d be completely burned out. What good would that do me or the cause of gay rights? When I came out, I wish someone had given me this advice and I hope you will offer it to your child: There will be days when you remain silent and regret your silence. There will be days when you respond to disrespectful words with disrespect and later wish you had been the better person. There will be times when an ignorant thing is said and you pounce on it with such fury that you miss an opportunity to educate. There will be times when you desperately want to speak but emotion pours out of you, drowning every word you try to utter. Please remember that you did not cause these problems. Any perceived inadequacies related to your ability to explain or defend yourself are not a function of being less than the one who attacks you but, instead, a function of being asked to perform remarkably, over and over, in highly stressful situations. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to say the right thing at the right time every time you are presented with bias. This would be asking too much of yourself and it will distract you from your job, which is to be happy. In the end, there is no better response to homophobia than to resist being derailed by it. Refuse to limit yourself. Live your life shamelessly and passionately.
Chapter 11 When Homophobia Morphs into Hate T here are many frightening forms of homophobia. Some people want to hurt LGBTQs in any way they can. A “hate crime” is a bias-motivated crime. Social psychologists Dr. Gregory M. Herek, Dr. J. Roy Gillis and Dr. Jeanine C. Cogan compared the psychological impact of hate crimes committed against gays to similar, non-bias-driven crimes committed against gays. The hate crime victims showed higher levels of depressive symptoms, anxiety and symptoms of post-traumatic distress when compared to the routine crime victims. 1 When suffering is compounded by discrimination, the suffering is worse. When a crime is deemed a hate crime, harsher judicial penalties apply than would normally apply for the same offense. The United States Congress passed the Hate Crime