Read Online Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy by Robert Bryndza - Free Book Online
Authors: Robert Bryndza
Tags: Humor, Gay, Contemporary Romance, Humour, Satire, England, British, ChickLit, London, Romantic Comedy, Prison, Women's Fiction, Relationships, Comedy, wedding, jail, Diary Format, love sex and marriage, British humour, publishing industry, funny books, laugh out loud, Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, British Humor
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Xavier.’
‘Okay where does he live? What’s his surname? Has he got a wife? An ex-wife? - Has he got children?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said sheepishly.
‘Well, you should find out before the party. All these people you work with are going to ask about your date, and you can’t say I don’t know … They’ll think you’ve hired an escort.’
‘You said I should do something!’
‘I meant flirt back! Look Cokes that’s the lunch bell, I’ve got to go…’
‘What should I do now?’ I said.
‘I’ll tell you what I told my year eights before their SATs.’
‘What?’
‘ Revise; s o get down to Insomnia Cafe and start revising.’
Wednesday 15th December 08.12
TO: [email protected]
During my past three visits to Insomnia Cafe, I’ve managed to winkle some titbits of information about Xavier. He’s studying to be an Architect and he works the early morning shift and weekends. He has no children ‘that he knows of’ (his joke). His surname is Michael.
I also went for a full six hours without thinking about Adam yesterday, but then felt weirdly guilty that I’d forgotten him for so long.
Thursday 16th December 09.15
TO: [email protected]
Rosencrantz just sent me an email from Meryl with the arrangements for her Sandringham Christmas. I shudder to think I was married to her flesh and blood for over twenty years.
ATTACHMENT
FROM [email protected]
TO [email protected]
The Watson’s Sandringham Christmas.
At the behest and request of Meryl, Tony and Wilfred Watson you are cordially invited to spend a truly memorable Sandringham-themed Christmas.
When: 23rd-27th December 2010.
Where: ‘Bonvivant’, Abacus Blvd, Milton Keynes, MK1 7TY
Please familiarise yourself with the following programme of events.
CHRISTMAS EVE
(Dress code; casual tweed)
Guests will be expected to arrive before 4 p.m when tea will be taken on my Royal Doulton in The White Drawing Room (small scale replica of one at Sandringham House)
4 p.m Earl Grey. sandwiches, scones and muffins will be in abundance. This will be a chance to take the first look at the Christmas tree, freshly dug from Norfolk.
6 p.m We will open gifts (following in the German tradition of unwrapping gifts the night before Christmas). All gifts will be laid out on a white linen-covered table with name tags (be prepared to make a short thank you speech if required).
7.10 p.m After gifts, it is off to the Saloon for Dubonnet and gin cocktails.
7.45 p.m Amply refreshed, we will dress for dinner. Ladies in gowns, gents in black tie.
At 8 p.m The gong will sound for dinner (I found a nice gong in John Lewis). The Queen always arrives fashionably late at 8.15 p.m and as your hostess I will observe the same. Dinner will be by candlelight in the dining room with a shrimp appetiser, followed by a main course of game and a dessert of tarte tatin.
10.15 p.m coffee, port and brandy.
Midnight - bed.
CHRISTMAS DAY
(Dress code smart church outfits, no jeans or crop-tops)
7 a.m Breakfast in the dining room. Bacon, sausage, eggs, toast and tea -– you will be able to take your pick from the traditional English menu for breakfast.
11 a.m Christmas service at the St. Michael’s Church led by the Reverend Damian Leviticus. This is walking distance, although dial-a-ride will take my mother and any small children.
12.30 p.m Turkey lunch with all the trimmings, the Queen has a bird from her Norfolk estate so we have done the next best thing and ordered something from Bernard Matthews.
2.30 p.m Meryl’s Christmas Speech. I’ve decided to do my own Christmas speech, just before The Queen. This will either be live in the White Drawing Room, or if Tony can get the video camera going, I’ll pre-record it.
3 p.m The Queen’s Speech.
3.15 p.m The Queen’s Speech, (The movie starring Helen Mirren).
5.30 p.m Charades, Monopoly whatever people want, this will be free
‘Okay where does he live? What’s his surname? Has he got a wife? An ex-wife? - Has he got children?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said sheepishly.
‘Well, you should find out before the party. All these people you work with are going to ask about your date, and you can’t say I don’t know … They’ll think you’ve hired an escort.’
‘You said I should do something!’
‘I meant flirt back! Look Cokes that’s the lunch bell, I’ve got to go…’
‘What should I do now?’ I said.
‘I’ll tell you what I told my year eights before their SATs.’
‘What?’
‘ Revise; s o get down to Insomnia Cafe and start revising.’
Wednesday 15th December 08.12
TO: [email protected]
During my past three visits to Insomnia Cafe, I’ve managed to winkle some titbits of information about Xavier. He’s studying to be an Architect and he works the early morning shift and weekends. He has no children ‘that he knows of’ (his joke). His surname is Michael.
I also went for a full six hours without thinking about Adam yesterday, but then felt weirdly guilty that I’d forgotten him for so long.
Thursday 16th December 09.15
TO: [email protected]
Rosencrantz just sent me an email from Meryl with the arrangements for her Sandringham Christmas. I shudder to think I was married to her flesh and blood for over twenty years.
ATTACHMENT
FROM [email protected]
TO [email protected]
The Watson’s Sandringham Christmas.
At the behest and request of Meryl, Tony and Wilfred Watson you are cordially invited to spend a truly memorable Sandringham-themed Christmas.
When: 23rd-27th December 2010.
Where: ‘Bonvivant’, Abacus Blvd, Milton Keynes, MK1 7TY
Please familiarise yourself with the following programme of events.
CHRISTMAS EVE
(Dress code; casual tweed)
Guests will be expected to arrive before 4 p.m when tea will be taken on my Royal Doulton in The White Drawing Room (small scale replica of one at Sandringham House)
4 p.m Earl Grey. sandwiches, scones and muffins will be in abundance. This will be a chance to take the first look at the Christmas tree, freshly dug from Norfolk.
6 p.m We will open gifts (following in the German tradition of unwrapping gifts the night before Christmas). All gifts will be laid out on a white linen-covered table with name tags (be prepared to make a short thank you speech if required).
7.10 p.m After gifts, it is off to the Saloon for Dubonnet and gin cocktails.
7.45 p.m Amply refreshed, we will dress for dinner. Ladies in gowns, gents in black tie.
At 8 p.m The gong will sound for dinner (I found a nice gong in John Lewis). The Queen always arrives fashionably late at 8.15 p.m and as your hostess I will observe the same. Dinner will be by candlelight in the dining room with a shrimp appetiser, followed by a main course of game and a dessert of tarte tatin.
10.15 p.m coffee, port and brandy.
Midnight - bed.
CHRISTMAS DAY
(Dress code smart church outfits, no jeans or crop-tops)
7 a.m Breakfast in the dining room. Bacon, sausage, eggs, toast and tea -– you will be able to take your pick from the traditional English menu for breakfast.
11 a.m Christmas service at the St. Michael’s Church led by the Reverend Damian Leviticus. This is walking distance, although dial-a-ride will take my mother and any small children.
12.30 p.m Turkey lunch with all the trimmings, the Queen has a bird from her Norfolk estate so we have done the next best thing and ordered something from Bernard Matthews.
2.30 p.m Meryl’s Christmas Speech. I’ve decided to do my own Christmas speech, just before The Queen. This will either be live in the White Drawing Room, or if Tony can get the video camera going, I’ll pre-record it.
3 p.m The Queen’s Speech.
3.15 p.m The Queen’s Speech, (The movie starring Helen Mirren).
5.30 p.m Charades, Monopoly whatever people want, this will be free
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