Read Online Charlie and the War Against the Grannies by Alan Brough - Free Book Online

noses. Their handkerchiefs get covered in Stinkly Wrinkly snot. The snot dries. The handkerchiefs become rock hard. They transform from hankies into rock-hard, super-sharp-edged throwing weapons.’
    Hils picked up the rock-hard-super-sharp-edged-throwing-hankie. It looked dangerous. Rock-hard-super-sharp-edged-throwing dangerous.
    â€˜Where did you find out about these?’
    â€˜You don’t want to know,’ said Hils.
    She was wrong. I did want to know. I really did want to know. I also really didn’t want to know.
    The really-didn’t-want-to-know bit won.
    â€˜You’re right. I don’t want to know.’
    Hils moved the rock-hard-throwing-hankie back and forth and it flashed in the sun.
    â€˜That looks very dangerous.’
    â€˜See that tree at the other end of the park?’ said Hils.
    I had never felt sorry for a tree before. I did now.
    â€˜Watch this,’ said Hils.
    She slowly pulled her arm back and then whipped it forward and threw the rock-hard-super-sharp-edged-throwing-hankie straight at the tree. The throwing-hankie sliced through the air like a cross between an arrow and a frisbee but with none of the fun parts of a frisbee and all the sticking-into-you-and-you-dying parts of an arrow.
    The throwing-hankie hit the tree.
    Well, I think it hit the tree. The tree was such a long way away that it was difficult to tell.
    Hils and I walked over to the tree.
    We reached the tree. There was the throwing-hankie. Stuck right into the tree. Deep into the tree.
    â€˜If it can do that to a tree, imagine what it could do to you.’
    â€˜No,’ I said. ‘I will not imagine that.’

24
THE INFORMATION
    It was lunchtime. Hils was talking to me about training. I didn’t want Hils to be talking to me about training.
    Luckily for me Hils was distracted by Simon Bolivar screaming as he fell off the climbing frame. Simon always screamed whenever he fell off the climbing frame. Actually, Simon screamed when pretty much anything happened to him.
    If Simon got hit by a ball, he screamed.
    If Simon failed a test, he screamed.
    If Simon got sandwiches he didn’t like, he screamed.
    â€˜I wonder if he’s broken his leg again?’ I said to Hils.
    We turned to see. Last time Simon broke his leg you could see the bone sticking out.
    It didn’t look like he had broken his leg.
    When we turned back to start talking again there was The Lurker standing right between us.
    â€˜You should leave, Duncan,’ said The Lurker. ‘Hils and I have very important business to discuss.’
    I didn’t like The Lurker but it made me feel bad that he clearly didn’t like me either. Why was I worried that someone I didn’t like didn’t like me?
    I confused me sometimes.
    â€˜Don’t worry about him,’ Hils said, pointing at me. ‘He’s cleared to hear anything you have to say.’
    The Lurker frowned.
    â€˜That thing you wanted me to find,’ said The Lurker. ‘I found it. Obviously.’
    â€˜You don’t have to call it “that thing”,’ I said. ‘I know you’re talking about the Stinkly Wrinklys’ headquarters.’
    â€˜Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not,’ said The Lurker.
    â€˜You are,’ I said.
    â€˜No, I’m not.’
    â€˜Yes, you are.’
    â€˜
No
, I’m
not
!’
    â€˜What
are
you talking about then?’
    â€˜I’m talking about a big pile of poo,’ said The Lurker. ‘That looked exactly like your face.’
    â€˜Guess what?’ I said.
    â€˜What?’ said The Lurker.
    â€˜I saw a squished donut with maggots all over it that a dog had peed on after a cat had been sick on it and it looked exactly like
your
face except that the maggoty, stinky, sick-covered donut looked better.’
    â€˜Well guess what?’ said The Lurker.
    â€˜HALT,’ said Hils. ‘Mission accomplished, Leon. Well done.’
    The Lurker blushed.
    He