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would like to ask you a couple questions,” Helen
said. “First of all, what would you like to achieve from your
sessions?”
    I looked at her and shrugged my
shoulders.
    “Surely, you have some idea on what
you would like to accomplish by coming to see me,” Helen
replied.
    “To be honest, I am really not sure
what I want to accomplish. I guess I am here because. . .” I let
out a big sigh.
    “Leila,” her voice kind and
reassuring, “anything you say to me does not leave this office. You
can come here and tell me absolutely anything you want or you can
come here and tell me nothing. Therapy is only going to work if you
want it to.”
    “I guess . . . I just don’t want to
hurt anymore,” the words just started rushing out of me. “I’ve had
this empty feeling inside of me for so long, I don’t know what it
feels like to be whole. I keep searching for someone to make me
feel like he did but no one does.” I hung my head. “I feel so lost,
I just want the old me back and I don’t know how to get back to
that place.”
    “I’m not going to lie this is not
going to be an overnight fix. It has taken you how long to get this
place? Four years? You are going to have to work hard and bring up
memories you may not want to talk about, but it is the only way you
will be able to heal,” Helen said kindly. “I would like to see you
once a week for an hour long session.”
    “I am willing to do anything you tell
me to do,” I said.
    For some reason, I trusted
Helen. I really wanted to move on with my life. Everything I had
done up to this point had not helped. I felt like this could be my
last chance to fix me .
    When I left Helen’s office, I couldn’t
help but feel hopeful. I had this stupid grin on my face that I
couldn’t get off. The thought of once again being happy and leaving
this self-destructive lifestyle behind actually made me
giddy.
    I got into my car and immediately
called Nicole to tell her about my session. I could tell by the
sound of her voice, she was pleased that I actually followed
through with my appointment.
    “I can’t believe you actually went,”
Nicole said flabbergasted.
    “Seriously, I feel better already,” I
exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell me to go to therapy three years
ago?” I laughed.
    “ Honestly, I don’t think
you would have listened to me three years ago,” Nicole said
seriously. “I am so proud of you for going and I can’t wait to get
the old you back.”
    “ I love you,” I
said.
    “I know you do. I will call you
tomorrow. I got a hot date with Michael tonight. I need to shower,
do my hair and put on my face,” she laughed.
    “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I
laughed.
    “Ha! You are too funny. You are way
out of my league.”
    As I hung the phone up the
last thing Nicole said to me ran through my head. You are way out of my league. I began to realize that all this time I had been whoring
around and Nicole hadn’t really dated at all. She would go on the
occasional date but always gave me an excuse as to why she didn’t
want to go out on a second date. It now dawned on me. She had
always been there for me, babysitting me. Fuck me . Not only had I been ruining
my life for the past four years, but I had been preventing Nicole
from quite possibly finding the man of her dreams.
     

Chapter 8
     
    The next month and a half flew by. I
had been seeing Helen on a weekly basis. During our sessions we
talked about everything from Garrett, my mother, work, friends, to
life in general. It was really great to have someone to talk to
that didn’t judge you on the decisions you had made in the
past.
    Overall, everything in my life had
been going great. I’d been sleeping without any assistance from
alcohol and cut down on my drinking to almost nothing. I hadn’t
brought a man home with me since Adam. I had no clue therapy would
help me this much. If I would have known, I would have gone years
ago.
    Over the last few weeks, I had picked
up extra hours