Read Online Bound and Determined by Jane Davitt, Alexa Snow - Free Book Online
Authors: Jane Davitt, Alexa Snow
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the opposite of this. And being miserable because of it. I
want—I want something else.”
Sawyer frowned. “Explain that to me a little more,” he said and yes, that
was definitely an encouraging look, even an expectant one. Maybe Sterling
wasn't fucking this up as much as he thought. “You seemed adamant about
you being the one to choose a Dom to control you, which makes me wonder if
you've been in a situation where that choice was taken away—but you said
that this was all new to you, so”—he spread his hands—“talk to me.”
“My father,” Sterling started out. “We've always had, I don't know, a
difficult relationship.” He smiled ruefully. “That's the nice way to put it. He
wanted me to be like him—I'm named after him, even, which is why I go by my
middle name. Because I don't want even that much connection with him, you
know?”
Sawyer nodded encouragingly, which made Sterling feel better. He'd done
a lot of thinking, but he hadn't tried to put any of this into words yet, so he
Bound and Determined
31
took his time. There were a lot of pauses between sentences; it made him feel
slow and stupid.
“At first, when I was younger…I tried to make him happy, you know?
Proud of me. But everything I did was wrong, everything I wanted was wrong.
When I figured out I was gay—I guess I was about twelve, maybe thirteen—I
knew that was the end of it. There was no chance I was ever going to live up to
what he wanted from me, so I decided I wasn't going to try. We fought every
day. I can't think of a single conversation that didn't turn into a fight.”
He wanted to get up, to pace the room. But Sawyer had told him to sit.
God, this was hard. He could feel his stomach knotting up with the effort of
explaining things he'd rather not think about.
“Anyway, I hate it. I'm so sick of it I want to scream. It's so much work .
Why can't I just have what I want without it being such a struggle? Why isn't
what I want enough , just because I want it?” Sterling bit his lip and looked up
at Sawyer's face. “I don't know what I'm supposed to call you.”
“I suppose you don't.” Sawyer pursed his lips in thought for a moment and
then said, “For now, please call me Owen. It's enough of a change from
Professor Sawyer to remind us both that this is a new situation, and I don't
think that you're ready for something more traditional.” He nodded slowly,
never looking away from Sterling. “So you fought his authority because it was
imposed on you, wanting the control, wanting to submit, but not to him, never
to him… And you tried to be him because you thought that you had to be to
stand a chance of winning.” Sawyer's—Owen's—hand slashed sharply through
the air, a gesture of dismissal. “That's over. Done. And I can promise you that
I'll never bully you, but it will be a struggle, and it will be hard work.” Owen
stood and walked over to stand in front of him, his hand cupping Sterling's
chin so that their eyes met. “And it will be worth it,” he said softly. “Trust me.”
Sterling's sinuses prickled, a warning that emotion was threatening to get
the better of him. It wouldn't; he'd mastered it years ago, determined that he'd
never let his father see him cry, and the habit had become permanent as far as
he could tell. Even knowing that it was stupid and pointless to think that there
was anything wrong with crying didn't change things. He could hold friends
while they cried in the aftermath of a relationship gone to hell or the death of a
parent and not think any less of them, but it wasn't something he could or
would allow himself.
Now, with Owen's gentle, slightly calloused fingers touching his face,
Sterling almost wished he could.
“I do,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I trust you. And I don't—I don't want you
to think I'm looking for some kind of replacement father. I don't need that.
What I need is someone I can…be myself with, I think.
want—I want something else.”
Sawyer frowned. “Explain that to me a little more,” he said and yes, that
was definitely an encouraging look, even an expectant one. Maybe Sterling
wasn't fucking this up as much as he thought. “You seemed adamant about
you being the one to choose a Dom to control you, which makes me wonder if
you've been in a situation where that choice was taken away—but you said
that this was all new to you, so”—he spread his hands—“talk to me.”
“My father,” Sterling started out. “We've always had, I don't know, a
difficult relationship.” He smiled ruefully. “That's the nice way to put it. He
wanted me to be like him—I'm named after him, even, which is why I go by my
middle name. Because I don't want even that much connection with him, you
know?”
Sawyer nodded encouragingly, which made Sterling feel better. He'd done
a lot of thinking, but he hadn't tried to put any of this into words yet, so he
Bound and Determined
31
took his time. There were a lot of pauses between sentences; it made him feel
slow and stupid.
“At first, when I was younger…I tried to make him happy, you know?
Proud of me. But everything I did was wrong, everything I wanted was wrong.
When I figured out I was gay—I guess I was about twelve, maybe thirteen—I
knew that was the end of it. There was no chance I was ever going to live up to
what he wanted from me, so I decided I wasn't going to try. We fought every
day. I can't think of a single conversation that didn't turn into a fight.”
He wanted to get up, to pace the room. But Sawyer had told him to sit.
God, this was hard. He could feel his stomach knotting up with the effort of
explaining things he'd rather not think about.
“Anyway, I hate it. I'm so sick of it I want to scream. It's so much work .
Why can't I just have what I want without it being such a struggle? Why isn't
what I want enough , just because I want it?” Sterling bit his lip and looked up
at Sawyer's face. “I don't know what I'm supposed to call you.”
“I suppose you don't.” Sawyer pursed his lips in thought for a moment and
then said, “For now, please call me Owen. It's enough of a change from
Professor Sawyer to remind us both that this is a new situation, and I don't
think that you're ready for something more traditional.” He nodded slowly,
never looking away from Sterling. “So you fought his authority because it was
imposed on you, wanting the control, wanting to submit, but not to him, never
to him… And you tried to be him because you thought that you had to be to
stand a chance of winning.” Sawyer's—Owen's—hand slashed sharply through
the air, a gesture of dismissal. “That's over. Done. And I can promise you that
I'll never bully you, but it will be a struggle, and it will be hard work.” Owen
stood and walked over to stand in front of him, his hand cupping Sterling's
chin so that their eyes met. “And it will be worth it,” he said softly. “Trust me.”
Sterling's sinuses prickled, a warning that emotion was threatening to get
the better of him. It wouldn't; he'd mastered it years ago, determined that he'd
never let his father see him cry, and the habit had become permanent as far as
he could tell. Even knowing that it was stupid and pointless to think that there
was anything wrong with crying didn't change things. He could hold friends
while they cried in the aftermath of a relationship gone to hell or the death of a
parent and not think any less of them, but it wasn't something he could or
would allow himself.
Now, with Owen's gentle, slightly calloused fingers touching his face,
Sterling almost wished he could.
“I do,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I trust you. And I don't—I don't want you
to think I'm looking for some kind of replacement father. I don't need that.
What I need is someone I can…be myself with, I think.
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