Read Online Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye - Free Book Online Page B

of it before. Because according to Mom, “Emma would kill birds that come to the feeder. Cats kill millions of birds a year.”
    I said, “Emma wouldn’t do that. She’s nice.”
    Mom said, “All cats do that. They’re not mean; they’re predators.”
    I said, “Well, can’t we put a bell on her so the birds can hear her?”
    Mom said, “Emma is smart. She learned to turn on the water in the bathroom, remember? She’d learn to stalk without jingling the bell.”
    I said, “Then we give her more cat food so she won’t be hungry.”
    Mom said, “The urge to hunt and the urge to eat are controlled by different parts of a cat’s brain.”
    I said, “How do you know all of this stuff?”
    Mom said, “Because I’m a librarian, and we know everything.” Then she went on to tell me the other reasons to keep Emma inside: “She could be run over by a car. Dogs might attack her, or other cats. She could get fleas, ticks, mites, or worms, not to mention rabies, distemper, leukemia, and lots of other fatal diseases.”
    I said, “That’s terrible.”
    Mom said, “But here’s the worst part.”
    I said, “What could be worse?”
    Mom said, “Emma might bring back a bunch of her friends and they’d all use her litter box!”
    I said, “You’re right. That’s worse.”
    Mom said, “I thought you’d see it my way. Now go clean up after our indoor cat. It’s your turn.”
    Moral of the story: Don’t try to argue with your mom, especially if she’s a librarian.
    Sunday, January 7
    MC said that she and Jordy have decided that Amy and I have to get married so they can be brother and sister. I told her that’s not the way it works. And even if it did, it doesn’t matter because Amy and I are too young to get married, and we’re not going to get married anyway.
    MC poked at me with a carrot she was nibbling and said, “Ha! That’s what you think!”
    I poked right back at her with a piece of celery and said, “Ha! You don’t have a clue what I think!”
    I think.
    Wednesday, January 10
    Snow flurries during recess. Everybody went nuts, running around with their mouths open, trying to catch flakes. We were all sure the storm was going to dump two feet and school would be called off, but it stopped.
    Dad said that if you wear your pajamas inside out, it will snow, and stick. MC said, “Really?” Dad said, “Yes, and remember, kids, there are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.”
    Friday, January 12
    I’ve been thinking about how cool it would be to be invisible. I could spy on anybody I wanted to!
    Like Amy.
    Don’t tell her I said that.
    Saturday, January 13
    Jordy came over again this afternoon. I asked him why he didn’t just move in. He said, “You have to marry Amy first.”
    MC put her hands on her hips and said, “Yeah!”
    I started to bop both of them with a couch cushion, which would have been very Old Me. But then I thought a New Me thought: ignore them. They want me to get mad and chase them (they think that’s fun), but if I don’t, they’ll get bored and go away.
    So I ignored MC and Jordy while they chanted, “Cody loves Amy! Cody loves Amy!” And I ignored them while they danced around me humming the wedding march song. And I ignored them while they did a hip-hop rap: “Cody and Amy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Emma in a baby carriage!”
    And then I bopped them both with a couch cushion.
    Monday, January 15
    Typed in “cats” and “litter box” on the Internet and surfed around a bit. The next thing I knew there was a picture of a cat using a regular human toilet! It said: “Kitty Whiz Potty Training Kit. No more litter boxes!