Read Online Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye - Free Book Online

Ralphster’s cage. Her lip was twitching and she had that look in her eye. She was thinking, FOOD!
    I threw a sock at her and yelled, “Scat, cat!” She took off. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up and made chunky chocolate chip cookies for Amy. I figured it was a good time to return the favor for the ones she brought to me after the election speech disaster. And take Ralphster to her, too—a sort of get well and Hanukkah present all in one!
    You’d have thought I brought her the moon. “Thank you, Cody!” she said. She jumped off their family-room couch, where she’d been wrapped in a blanket, watching cartoons. She looked pale and tired, but she was grinning. “You’re so sweet!” (That’s two times in two days someone has said that to me, so it must be true.)
    Then—get this—she gave me a big hug. That’s right, a full-blown-arms-all-the-way-around-me hug.
    I guess I looked pretty shocked, because I was. Amy stepped back, embarrassed. “Sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have done that. You might get the flu, too.”
    But you know what? I don’t care if I get the flu. I’ve been hugged lots of times, but I’ve never gotten a hug that felt like the one Amy gave me. It was nice. Really nice. I liked it. Really liked it. Just like I really like her.
    Wait a minute! Did I write that?
    Yep, I did.
    Which means it must be true.
    Whoa! I’d thought there’d be warning signs or something. Instead, one minute I’m going along acting like a regular guy, and then—ZAP!—all of a sudden I really like a girl.
    My head is spinning. I’d better go lie down.
    Monday, December 25
Christmas Day
    I asked Mom and Dad to surprise me with a gift, and they did. They gave me a cool denim jacket. Which I didn’t even know I wanted until I unwrapped it.
    I wonder what else I don’t know I want.
    Not underwear, that’s for sure, especially Christmas ones with Santas and reindeer all over them. MC acted hurt when I stuffed the ones she gave me under the couch. What did she expect?
    Ate too much Christmas ham, but still had room for dessert. Later MC and I watched a science fiction movie about invaders from outer space. MC fell asleep on my shoulder and drooled on my new jacket. Dad said, “Don’t worry, it’s slobber-resistant.”
    Thought about calling Amy. But then I found myself thinking, What if she’s busy? Or doesn’t want to hear my voice? So I hung up.
    I had no idea liking a girl was going to be this complicated!
    Tuesday, December 26
    Finally, I finished my kitty litter box jail term! Today MC had the dirty deed of cleaning up after Emma. I sat and watched her with a big grin on my face.
    She only has to do it for one week, though, then it’s my turn again. Which doesn’t seem fair, seeing as how I just got done doing it forever. Still, it sure was fun watching her scoop out those smelly clumps.
    Wednesday, December 27
    Amy called! She said she’s feeling a lot better, but her mom is still making her take it easy. Ralphster is doing fine. Turns out he likes accordion music. When Amy puts on a CD of it, he gets on his exercise wheel and “goes like crazy, like he’s dancing the polka!”
    I didn’t say it (from Cody’s Guide to Girls: “Don’t insult her taste in music”) but if Ralphster is like me, he was probably trying to get away from the accordion music, not dance to it.
    Thursday, December 28
    On the way home from the grocery store, we drove past the park. Tyler and Zach and that bunch of sixth graders—Whit, Nate, Deshawn, and Theo—were shooting hoops. I would have played, too, if they’d have asked me. But it was starting to rain anyway— again —so I guess it didn’t matter.
    Rain, rain, go away, come again some other—No, scratch that. More like: Rain, rain, don’t give me no slack. Hit the road