Attack of the Mutant Underwear

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Authors: Tom Birdseye
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and don’t come back!
    Hey, not bad. Could it be? Ace-brilliant-type-author guy is back?
    Friday, December 29
    Stumbling into the bathroom this morning, I tripped and almost ended up in the toilet. MC, who happened to be walking by, stopped and looked at me sprawled on the floor. She said, “When a person is in love, they forget how to walk and fall down and can’t get up for an hour.” Then she busted out laughing. “Cody’s in love! Cody’s in love! Cody’s in love with Amy!”
    I shook my fist at her and yelled, “Beat it, bozo brain!”
    But I did have trouble getting up.
    Saturday, December 30
    Went out for dinner tonight. Mexican. Yummy. Except when MC said, “Cody and Amy are going to do the holy matchimony thing.”
    Dad almost choked. Mom blinked a bunch, then finally said, “Well, no need to rush into anything.”
    Good point. I think love is fine, but you shouldn’t talk about it while someone is eating a taco.
    Sunday, December 31
New Year’s Eve
    All day MC has been running around, saying “Happy New You!” instead of “Happy New Year!” Maybe she’s on to something, though. People make New Year’s resolutions because they want to change something about who they are. They really are becoming a New You. Just like I’ve been working on the New Me. Guess I just started my New Year’s resolution a little early, that’s all. I’m ahead of my time.
    Mom and Dad said I could stay up until midnight and watch the big ball drop at Times Square in New York City on TV. Only thing is that New York City is three hours ahead of us, so when we see it at midnight here, it’s already a rerun. Who wants to start the New Year by watching a rerun?
    Besides, Mom and Dad will kiss, and I don’t want to see any more of that than I have to. Everybody will be kissing at Times Square, too. Kissing, kissing, kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing.
    Almost called Amy to kiss—uh, wish her Happy New Year. But I didn’t.
    Monday, January 1
New Year’s Day
    Watched the Rose Bowl on TV with Mom and Dad and MC. Ate lots of chips and made lots of noise. It was fun, except that MC kept interrupting and saying stuff like, “I’m the fastest blinker in the family. I can floss my teeth and blink at the same time! Wanna see?” She got all huffy when I finally told her to shut up.
    â€œPatience is a virtue,” she snipped at me. Mom and Dad looked at her like they were thinking, Wow, what a smart kid we’ve got, using big words like that! But then MC said, “What is a virtue, anyway?”
    This is going to sound weird, but I can’t wait for school to start again.
    Tuesday, January 2
    Nobody said it out loud, but I could tell I wasn’t the only one in my class glad to be back. Everybody was talking a mile a minute. Amy had lots of Ralphster stories.
    Ms. B didn’t waste any time chatting, though. If she had a theme song for today, it was “Glad-to-see-you-now-get-to-work!” Math, reading, social studies, science—we hit them all before lunch.
    Friday, January 5
    Zach has started calling girls “female life-forms.” Amy just laughs, but Libby boils. She called Zach a “meathead life-form.”
    I’m getting really tired of doing Emma’s kitty litter box. Sticking that super-dooper-pooper-scooper in there is like going back to jail. There has GOT to be a way out of this.
    Think outside the box. Think outside the box. Think outside the box.
    Saturday, January 6
    Still thinking outside the box. Still thinking outside the—
    Hey, wait a minute! That’s it: outside the box! As in outside the box we call our house! Emma can become an outdoor cat and do her business in the bushes or Mom’s flower beds, like all the other cats in our neighborhood!
    Duh. Why didn’t I think of this before?
    Later, Saturday, January 6
    I’ll tell you why I didn’t think

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